College

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MAN:
(SINGING)

I'm just a penny on the train track

Waiting for my judgment day

Come on, baby girl,

let me see those legs

Before I get

flattened away

I wait

Yeah, I wait

For something good,

for something great

Stopping in somebody's old home town

Gotta get that midnight meal

If you can't get behind your own life

Get behind the driving wheel

And go, just go

Find a place that you don't know

Ran into a friend just the other night

Got a badge, he's a local cop

Haven't seen that boy in over seven years

Since out of high school I dropped

I see, I see

All the things that I should be

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)

I wait

Yeah, I wait

For something good, for something great

Dude! You're totally missing it!

It's f***ing crazy here, man! Dude! Kev.

I've got an idea.

I want you to drop what you are doing.

I want you to come down here

and take a picture of this for the paper!

(LAUGHING) Now that, my friend,

is front page material. Lateski.

Hey, Mom!

Gina, Morris and I are gonna leave

for Fieldmont right after school today.

Honey, I completely forgot about that.

Can you do it next weekend?

Derek was gonna take me into the city

tomorrow night for dinner.

- God! It's already 7:00?

- KEVIN:
We can't.

Morris has a scholarship meeting

and we're signed up for the campus tour.

- Carter.

- Hi. What's up Ms. B?

Dude, she totally threw off my groove!

I was almost at the top level.

- Hey, Carter.

- What's up, man?

What's up, little people?

Running a little bit low.

Kev! Can I ask you a question?

You know that book that Miss Dangle

makes everybody read about the mice?

- You mean Of Mice and Men?

- Bingo! That's the one, yeah.

So let me get this straight.

These two dudes dream of buying

a farm together to raise rabbits?

Hmm.

And I'm no expert,

but doesn't that seem a little...

I don't know. Kind of G-A-Y?

Dude, I think

you're kind of missing the point.

- We can spell, Carter.

- Yeah, dumb A-S-S.

Dude. Satan's children, I swear.

Spawn of Satan.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Right. Come on, guys!

Mrs. Seavers is here. Let's go!

Grab your backpacks.

Oh, yeah!

All right, see you guys!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Would you look at this guy?

Why do we have to hang out with him?

- Hey, Morris.

- Hey, guys.

Hey, Morris,

what's up with all the geek books?

I've got a scholarship interview

in a day, Carter.

And my parents are up my ass about it.

Morris, your parents

are always up your ass.

Besides, don't you want to go to some

fancy-shmancy Ivy League school?

Guys, come on!

Do we really have to start this early?

Well, apparently,

it's not my choice, Carter.

At least Kevin will be there. Right, Kev?

Yep. Hey, did you grab your stuff

so we can split right after school today?

Yeah. It's in my...

Yeah, the technique was a little off,

but the timing was better.

And by the way, she's easy,

but not in the, like,

I'm-gonna-f***-Morris kind of way easy.

Come on, Kev, I've got to pee.

I need you to shake it.

Carter.

You sure you don't wanna

come with us this weekend, man?

What? There's no reason for him to come.

You know what, Morris? I think, for the

first time, you and I are on the same page.

I don't know.

Campus tours and scholarship interviews,

sounds like a real blastie-blast.

But I think

I'd rather sock myself in the nuts.

I mean, seriously, look at this thing.

Like, where are all the hotties, you know?

Show some skin.

- Hey.

- Hey!

- Hey, Gina.

- Hey, Gina.

Kevin, really, just...

Listen, don't take this the wrong way.

But I need to talk to

your friend outside, alone.

(LAUGHS) Nice!

Does that mean you're gonna

blow him underneath the bleachers?

Yeah. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Awesome! You kids have fun! High five!

I got my high five, dude.

Does he give you a high five like that?

See you...

Here's your brochure, though.

Have a good weekend.

Miami?

- When did you apply there?

- A couple months ago.

KEVIN:
What about us?

I mean, what about our plans to

go to Fieldmont together?

And the campus tour this weekend?

Just go without me.

Look, it's senior year.

It's, like, so exciting,

and I wanna party, and I wanna have fun.

And you're, like, not fun.

Like, so what? So I don't drink very

much, you know. We still have fun.

Like our Friday nights at mini golf.

Yeah, they're kind of boring.

Our camping trips, the school carnival,

studying together?

Standing around while you're

taking pictures of everything?

- Thrilling!

- Gina...

When we were freshmen, it was one thing.

But this is our time to really go crazy!

We're supposed to be partying.

And you, you're just... You're a loser!

Kevin, it's over.

College is just around the corner,

and I can't let you ruin my senior year.

That's mine.

CARTER:
Okay, so let me get this straight.

You didn't get blown under the bleachers?

No! Dude, have you been listening to me?

She dumped me!

I was dumped once.

Morris, you're such a f***ing liar, dude.

- You've never even had a girlfriend.

- Shut up, Carter. Yes, I did.

Remember, Kev?

You introduced me to her.

- Right.

- MORRIS:
She was real.

- We went to physics camp together.

- Maybe more like fantasy camp.

Come on, you guys. Do you mind?

I'm having a breakdown here.

What am I supposed to do now?

It was all set.

First, we'd go to college together,

and then we'd get married,

have a couple kids, one girl, one boy.

Dude, is that the kind of sh*t

you would say to Gina?

God! No wonder she dumped your ass.

You're f***ing lame.

- What's up, fellows?

- What's up, Fletcher?

What's up with Negative Nancy over here?

Gina dumped him.

He's having a breakdown.

Cool. So are you guys going on some sort

of road trip to Fieldmont this weekend?

- I don't think I'm going anymore.

- That's too bad.

I just went there last weekend

to visit my bro.

I almost didn't make it back.

"Almost didn't make it back"?

Dude, it's just college.

Yeah, yeah, just college.

Yeah, see, that's what I thought, too.

And then I went,

and I'm telling you guys right now,

it is f***ing nuts, man. It's retarded.

Why? What happened?

You guys want to know?

Basically, this is how it went down.

I didn't sleep for three days, okay?

I don't have any money left

in my bank account.

I maxed out my parents' credit card,

which was only supposed

to be used in case of an emergency.

I lost my cell phone,

which is actually my dad's cell phone.

So he's pissed about that

and the credit card.

I tried smoking a tampon,

which I thought was a big fat joint.

Still got high. Stole a car,

got in a bar fight, ate some goldfish.

Played naked Frisbee, did some whip-its,

wet my brother's bed twice.

Sh*t my pants, once,

but please don't tell anyone,

'cause I'm kind of embarrassed about that.

Saw two girls make out.

With tongue! With tongue!

Watched my brother's roommates

eat as many cheeseburgers as they could

until one of them puked.

Found a tattoo on my lower back

of a unicorn.

Don't remember getting that.

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