College Page #2

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Figure I'll just tell people

it's some sort of killer unicorn.

You know? So it doesn't seem so gay.

I laughed. I cried. Fell in love.

Yeah, and did I mention earlier

that I got laid?

Three times. Different girls, yeah.

So all in all, I'd say it was pretty much

the best weekend of my f***ing life.

Yeah.

Dude, you should go.

What if I could have a weekend like that,

a weekend like Fletcher's?

How? No way.

Who knows if he's even telling the truth?

Come on, man. What if he was?

You heard him.

All the craziness, the partying, the sex,

the drinking, it sounds incredible.

You know, maybe I'll even get a tattoo.

Wait, you're joking, right?

You got me, Kev. That's a good one.

Partying, drinking, sex. Up top.

I'm not kidding, Morris.

You know, maybe Gina's right, I'm no fun.

A weekend like Fletcher's

is exactly what I need.

Kev, having some crazy weekend

to get back at Gina is a really bad idea.

Or a really good idea,

and I say go for it.

B*tch.

You know what? I'm gonna go for it.

In fact, I'm gonna have a better weekend

than Fletcher.

Yes!

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Dude, I am so going.

MAN:
(SINGING) I gotta move

While the streets ahead are sunny

Fall in love with some honey

Oh, mama

I gotta move

It's time I broke out into the open

You know I'll settle down again some day

Dude, this is definitely better

than the brochure!

KEVIN:
Yeah, man,

I've got a good feeling about this.

Good feeling? What kind of good feeling?

Like your-boy-Carter's-gonna-get-laid

kind of feeling?

'Cause I have that feeling too, and I love it!

I don't know, man, just everything.

I'm ready to have fun.

Yeah, man, good!

Positive vibes. Positive vibes.

Okay, Kev, it says here that the campus

tour is at 12:
30 tomorrow afternoon.

And there's a pre-frosh reception tonight

before dinner in the main...

Okay, that's enough!

That is enough. No more.

That's our schedule for the weekend!

Dude, Morris, f*** schedules, man!

We're in college now.

You know what that means?

No parents! No curfew! Free f***ing beer!

It does not get any better than this!

Except for that.

Dude, slow down, slow down.

Hey, what's up, ladies?

You on your way to class?

No. We just like carrying all these books

around for fun.

(LAUGHING) Right!

A girl's got to read, huh? Awesome.

So, look, we're in town for the weekend,

and we were just kind of wondering

if you guys could, I mean, I don't know,

show us around?

New guys, huh?

What college are you visiting from?

No, no, see, we're not in college.

- We're actually still in high school.

- CARTER:
What the f***?

- I hate you so much!

- Stop it!

You're crushing my testicles!

- What my friend meant to say was...

- F*** off!

All righty then. I'll see you guys later.

Hey, green shirt, if I give you $5 right now,

would you fart in a can

and let me just keep it in my bedroom?

I'll never open it! I promise.

These dorms are whack.

Why do we have to stay here?

You don't have to, Carter.

This is where the admissions board

put me and Kevin.

Look, I got a cousin who's a legacy

in one of the fraternities.

I'm sure if we go there, they'll hook us up.

- Yeah, my parents would love that.

- Yeah.

Enough, you guys! Look, I don't see

what's so bad about this, Carter.

(MAN MOANING)

(WHIPPING ON TV)

- What?

- ALL:
God!

(WOMAN MOANING ON TV)

- Hi.

- Hey, there.

I'm Morris.

I'm Kevin, Kevin Brewer,

prospective freshman.

We're supposed to be staying in your room

this weekend.

Right.

Look, fellows, I'm gonna need about

So just come back later.

Probably just working out.

Yeah, he's just working out one of these.

- Disgusting!

- How's that frat house sound, guys?

Pretty good? Awesome.

KEVIN:
Okay, dude, do you actually know

where you're going?

Dude, relax! It's right up here, I think.

All right, dude, I'm not perfect, all right?

All these Greek letters

look the same to me.

Maybe we should go back

and try the dorm again.

You shut your mouth! Shut your mouth!

Or not. That's cool, too.

Holy sh*t. Those chicks

definitely weren't in the brochure.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey.

- What's up, college girls?

- Ladies.

- I'm Morris.

- Hi, Morris.

- She said my name.

- Chicks are smoking hot! Yeah.

"Chicks are smoking hot"?

Come on, real smooth, Carter.

Yeah. Smooth.

Whatever! All you got out was your name.

Which she repeated back to me,

I'd like to note.

Shut up.

(PELLET GUN FIRES)

Jesus!

- Nut shot.

- Ten points!

Get some.

Shitty news, dudes.

Dean Chandler has denied our petition,

and we're still on probation.

Sh*t!

I guess he's taking that whole

singing thing pretty seriously.

Looking good, Goose.

Looks like we got another semester

without any pledges.

This f***ing blows, man!

What's the point of college

if you can't have pledges?

Sh*t!

(PELLET GUN FIRING)

F***!

MAN:
F***!

Son of a...

That's it.

This just might be the year to graduate.

- What?

- What?

- No.

- Yeah, I didn't think it'd come so soon.

You can't graduate. You're Bearcat.

- You're an institution.

- I know.

I'm scared to graduate.

It seems like torturing pledges,

that's all I'm good at.

That's not true, and you know that.

You're good at a lot of things.

Cooper, tell him what he's good at.

Like... Like the keg toss.

And you take the biggest dumps

in the house. Right?

Yeah. Nobody beats you at that.

It's like a real gift.

It is, isn't it?

Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better.

- Hang in there, big guy.

- You're all right.

Hang in there.

We'll figure this whole pledge thing out,

I promise.

Hey, man, is this the Beta Phi house?

What? You can't read Greek?

My cousin is a legacy here.

- Yeah? Who's your cousin?

- Toby Scott.

You mean Queef?

- What?

- Queef.

- What's a queef?

- A p*ssy fart.

It's his pledge name.

- Who'd want that name?

- Yeah, he earned it.

I'd like to help you guys out, with you

being his cousin and everything, but...

Hey! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Come on, man.

Look, we're in high school, you know?

We're just up here to party, you know?

Is that too much to ask?

You guys are a bunch of high school kids?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, okay? Go try the dorms.

- A legacy, dude?

- Yeah, he's... I...

I can't believe they call Toby "Queef."

Toby kicks ass.

What did those guys want?

A couple of high school kids

looking to crash here for the weekend.

One of them was Queef's cousin.

Remember him?

God, that guy could toss a salad.

That thing he did with his tongue?

Sorry. That guy's a loser.

So, they're looking

for a place to crash, huh?

- Maybe we should let them stay.

- COOPER:
What, are you serious?

What the hell

are we gonna do with a bunch

of f***ing high school kids

here all weekend?

TEAGUE:
Brothers.

MAN:
Do it, man!

- Listen up.

- Boner.

Goose, shut the f*** up.

(MEN LAUGHING)

These guys. What's your names?

I'm Kevin, and this is Morris and Carter.

Okay, whatever. These guys are

our guests for the weekend.

(ALL CHEERING)

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