College Page #3

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Well, see, technically,

we're supposed to stay in the dorms,

but our roommate's a little...

- MAN:
Technically, you're a fag!

...preoccupied.

Yeah, he's jerking off.

P*ssy! F*** hole!

Did we say you could talk?

Bearcat! Relax, big man.

They didn't mean anything by it.

Sorry. He's got anger management issues.

How about I show you guys

where you are staying?

Put your stuff away?

- Morris, do you like the sound of that?

- MAN:
Party!

- ALL:
Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party!

- Party! Party! Party!

What's up, sh*t face?

This is usually

where we let our pledges stay.

We call this room the dungeon,

but don't let the name scare you.

You're gonna love it.

(CRASHING)

COOPER:
Watch the step.

Yeah, this place f***ing sucks.

Dude, it beats some guy jerking, all right?

Like we said, all of our guest rooms

are taken tonight.

Yeah. We feel really bad

about having to put you guys down here.

- Is that a rat?

- A rat? No. Probably just a shadow.

And don't you guys worry.

We're gonna give you the 411

on all the great parties this weekend.

In fact, I think that the Lambdas

are having a kegger tonight.

Keggers? We love keggers.

Right, Kev? Keggers, keggers!

We are all about keggers.

Cool. Well, you guys

are gonna love the Lambdas.

COOPER:
Bearcat!

- What the f*** is up with that...

- BEARCAT:
Are you talking?

- No, man. I'm chilling. What?

- Yeah. Shut the f*** up.

So excited!

All right, guys. This is it. Party time.

Let's do the rundown. Rubbers?

Check.

Breath mints?

Check.

Retainers?

(GROANS)

I was kidding. That's so f***ing gross.

Put that away.

- So, you guys sure about this?

- Relax, man. It's just a frat party.

What?

What? We're here to learn

about college, right?

God, I love the new attitude, Kevin.

It looks good on you, man.

It makes your eyes pop

and your hair shine.

It makes your shirt look better.

Good times. Good times. All right, guys.

Hold onto your socks,

because this is going to be awesome.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, guys! Come on in!

The kegs are full and the Jacuzzi's hot!

Yeah!

Party!

Yeah!

What's up? Going on? Ladies?

There's a lot of dudes here, right?

Yeah. It's a total sausage fest.

Check it out!

These guys are so drunk

they're making out with each other.

Morris, I don't think they're drunk.

Who wants to play

glow-in-the-dark boners now?

(CROWD CHEERING)

It's boner tag! It's boner tag!

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Why would they send us

to an all-gay fraternity? Do we look gay?

Maybe they found out how many times

you've been laid and just assumed.

Real funny, Carter.

Look, my cousin's a legacy. I doubt

they're gonna do that to us on purpose.

Don't worry!

That was not full of my piss or anything.

Just Bearcat's.

MAN:
Yeah!

Hey, how was the party?

Did you guys find any dates?

Yeah, real funny, guys.

We almost got jumped back there.

Watch your step, pre-frosh!

This ain't high school!

Welcome to college, boys. Enjoy.

Crap.

MAN:
(SINGING) Don't talk about it

Oh, boy, don't talk about it

If you do, I'll die

Holy sh*t! This is insane!

No, man. This is f***ing college.

(IMPLANTS SQUISHING)

God bless America for such a place!

Let's rock this b*tch.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Hey! Hey! Hey! What's up, fellows?

Look, we feel like absolute sh*t

for what happened earlier.

- Yeah. We think you guys are cool.

- Yeah. It was just a joke.

We weren't trying to be

like a**holes or anything.

Let us make it up to you.

We're gonna go do some body shots.

And we would love it

if you guys would come with us.

Dude, we are so down!

Actually, you know what?

I just filled up, so I'm cool.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna take a pass, too.

(SCOFFS)

Lame and lamer.

Just saying, man, I guess Gina was right.

Dude, where's the bathroom?

All right. All right, you know what?

F*** it! I'm in.

- COOPER:
Bottle.

- This is awesome.

Salt.

Limes.

And lube.

- What the hell is that for?

- TEAGUE:
Just in case.

We probably won't need it. You guys...

You guys are gonna love this.

Where did the girls go?

Unfortunately,

(GRUNTS)

the girls had to go home early.

So who are we doing body shots off of?

- Great question, Mike.

- Morris.

Bearcat was nice enough

to take their place.

Bearcat?

MAN:
Yeah!

(GROANS)

(ROARING)

(ALL CHEERING)

That's right, motherfuckers!

- Okay, we're outta here, let's go.

- Yeah.

Where are you guys going?

Yeah, we thought you guys were cool.

We thought you wanted to party.

Guess we were wrong.

Well, have fun back at the dorm,

you f***ing pussies.

(FRAT BOYS CHANTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(FRAT BOYS CHANTING)

- ALL:
Do it! Do it! Do it!

- Do it! Do it! Do it!

- Do it! Do it! Do it!

- Do it! Do it! Do it!

- Do it! Do it! Do it!

- Do it! Do it! Do it!

- MAN:
Do that shot!

- Yeah!

MAN:
Do that shot! Do it!

Watch this!

You are my best friend!

MAN:
(SINGING) All the girls and the boys

And people making noise

Just let me hear you shout

Bring them out

Bring them out

Everything's spinning around me.

I'm drunk right now.

Doing shots of tequila out of

some guy's ass crack will do that to you.

Whatever, man. You guys

are lightweights. I don't feel sh*t!

Is that a fat joke, you b*tch?

- Here! Video me!

- Okay.

Yeah, wait till Gina sees this! Party!

(ALL CHEERING)

Party!

MAN:
(SINGING) Pump up your fist

If you twist like this

Till the lights go out

Bring them out

Bring them out

Katie

I don't know why I even try

'Cause lately

You're always out with other guys

Pretty baby

Don't you know I'll treat you right

I'll go crazy

If you pass me up tonight

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

All this time can't get it off my mind

Dance the night away

Keep rocking with me

When the grooves all right

Rocking all night

I want to hear you say

All the girls and the boys

And people making noise

Just let me hear you shout

Bring them out

Bring them out

All the girls and the boys

And people making noise

Just let me hear you shout

Bring them out

Bring them out

Pump up your fist

If you twist like this

Till the lights go out

Bring them out

Bring them out

Wake up

I'm calling you up

I need a ride

We're gonna shake up

So hurry it up, no wasted time

The girls in their makeup

In black and white

Exchanging looks tonight

I just ran into some other friends of mine

Someone's coming round

To pick them up at nine

All the girls and the boys

And people making noise

Just let me hear you shout

Bring them out

Bring them out

(SCREAMING)

MAN:
F*** yeah!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Drink!

- Sorry. What?

- I made the shot. Now you drink.

Yeah, yeah, right. Cool. All right.

- So when do I get a turn?

- When I miss.

You kids having fun?

What? I can't play?

What do you say we wrap up this game

and bring it up to my room?

Minus the d*ckhead.

Yeah. I think I'll pass.

Could I get the beer? No?

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