College Page #4

---

Later? Well, okay.

- What an a-hole.

- Tell me about it.

Anyway, where were we?

(COIN PLOPPING)

Nice.

Nitrous in the hizzie!

Who wants a balloon?

Granola Bar! Can I have one, please?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

The lady needs a balloon.

There you go, darling,

that one's just for you.

- I'm gonna sit.

- All right.

Hey, here you go. Have a balloon.

This balloon's for you! Have a balloon!

No, no.

You have to inhale it.

It makes chicks crazy horny, like her.

MORRIS:
Wow.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

Feel the flow.

Hey, I saw a laundry room back there.

You want to go make out or something?

- Oh, my God! Are you serious?

- Yeah.

I haven't heard a line like that since,

like, high school. Later.

You've got flat tits!

Do you mind?

What? Yeah, absolutely.

Have a... Have a sip.

Or down the whole thing.

That's cool. Whatever.

(BURPING)

I'm so getting laid.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me. Excuse me!

What's up? How's it going?

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

You're bigger than me.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

This is awesome!

Wait. What was that?

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Sh*t! I think someone's coming.

- No, no, no. The bed, the bed!

- What?

- I'm not gonna fit under there!

- You'll fit!

- I will not fit under this bed.

- Get under!

(DOOR OPENING)

Are you sure this room's okay?

It's fine. Relax, okay?

Everyone's downstairs.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. Positive.

GIRL 1:
I'm just a little nervous, you know?

I've never really been with a girl before.

GIRL 2:
Don't worry.

I'll be gentle. I promise.

(INAUDIBLE)

Morris, maybe it's because

I'm really high right now,

but I will just go for this.

Go for what? You want another...

Sorry. Your hand is down my pants.

I know. Just relax.

Sweet!

Oh, God! That feels so good!

- Your hands are like butter!

- Are like butter.

You know, normally,

I'd be doing this to myself,

but this is way better.

Plus, I don't have to worry

about my mom walking in, and...

Heather? Hello?

(SNORING)

Damn it! So close!

(SIRENS BLARING)

Cop!

- What's your problem?

- Hey, come on.

- Run!

- Who is that?

Party's busted! Everybody run!

GIRL:
That sucks.

(GIRL MOANING)

GIRL 1:
That feels so good.

GIRL 2:
I almost forgot.

GIRL 1:
You carry that with you?

GIRL 2:
They don't call it

a pocket rocket for nothing.

(INAUDIBLE)

(VIBRATOR BUZZING)

GIRL 1:
You got it?

GIRL 2:
Yeah. I got it. Where were we?

(GIRL 1 MOANING)

GIRL 2:
I didn't know you were so kinky.

GIRL 1:
Yeah!

Kiss me. Kiss me now.

- GIRL 2:
Really?

- Kiss me!

Do it!

- What was that?

- GIRL 2:
I didn't hear anything.

- GIRL 1:
Are you sure?

- Yeah. Just relax.

What the f*** do you know

about welfare reform?

MAN:
Come on down and check it out.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

So, I don't really know what this means,

but Amy says that she's under the bed

with your friend Carter.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Should I be worried?

- Yeah, definitely.

Okay.

Wait a second.

Why aren't they on top of the bed?

That's a good question.

So what are you guys? Freshmen?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we're freshmen. Yep.

What's your major?

Uh...

- Photography.

- Really?

I love photography.

I really suck, but that's cool.

I heard they have

a really great program here.

Yeah. It's supposed to be

one of the best in the country.

Maybe you can give me

a lesson sometime.

Yeah, sure.

(DOOR CLOSING)

That was so hot.

Please tell me you're as horny

as I am right now.

- Hornier.

- Good.

BEARCAT:
What's up, man?

Wow, motherf***er,

I can't believe we did that sh*t last night.

What the...

Christmas came early!

(VIBRATOR BUZZING)

(BEARCAT MOANING)

- Here we are.

- Yep. Here we are.

You know, you're different

than most college guys.

Well, you know,

I don't even really feel like a college guy.

Yeah. I could tell.

But it's a good thing.

- Maybe I'll see you around.

- Yeah.

- I hope so.

- Okay. Bye.

In the night sky

In the night sky

In the night sky

In the night sky

It used to be home

- Kevin!

- Jesus, what?

What do you want?

Morris. Wake up, sleepy.

Holy sh*t. Did we...

Heck, yeah! All night long.

(GROWLING)

Give it to me again, big boy!

This is the greatest day of my life.

Hey, Dad. Dad! What are you doing here?

You missed your interview, Morris.

You blew it, the scholarship, Fieldmont,

everything.

(SCREAMING)

Sh*t!

The interview!

Give it up

Give it up

Give it up

Give it up

Apparently, Mr. Hooper's a no-show.

MORRIS:
Thank God!

You're still here. I'm sorry I'm late.

Now, behind me is the bronze statue

of a revolutionary war hero,

General W.S. Fieldmont.

It has become one of

the most sacred landmarks of our time.

My life is over.

My parents are gonna disown me.

- Dude, they probably didn't even notice.

- Didn't notice? Did you see my face?

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, dude, I did.

That sh*t was so funny.

Whatever, dude. Just kiss

the scholarship bye-bye and move on.

And where the hell is Kevin, by the way?

You know, he should've been here by now.

This is his campus tour.

He probably just hooked up last night.

At least someone did.

You don't think

something happened to him, do you?

Dude, it's college.

What could possibly happen to him?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Looking good, Kev.

A lot hairier than I thought you'd be.

- Check it out.

- Hey!

- Nice diaper!

- Looking good, buddy!

Okay. This is really embarrassing.

Yeah, it's not really

the highlight of my day either, Carter.

Why would they do this to you?

I don't know. Because they can, I guess.

There's some clothes in my car. Try...

Maybe we should just go home.

We're not going anywhere, all right?

Not yet.

Why not? What are you trying to prove?

I'm not trying to prove anything.

I'm just trying to have fun.

Amen to that! God, I love the new Kevin!

You call this having a good time?

I'll get back at them.

It could have been worse.

What could be worse than getting

duct-taped naked to a statue all night?

Hey, what's up, Gina?

It's that boring guy you dumped!

Fieldmont rocks!

(KEVIN WHOOPING)

Dude, maybe the message

didn't even send.

You know what?

Whatever, I'm kind of hoping it did.

Really? Well, in that case,

let's do like a whole Kevin party series.

- We'll post it online...

- Yeah, dude, don't push it.

Okay.

Come on, Morris.

Being stuck here isn't the worst thing.

You know, I mean,

it's probably for the best.

How's it for the best?

Because if you went home now,

you know exactly what would happen.

Yeah! Your parents would go ape-sh*t

on your ass for blowing the big interview.

And now at least you could probably talk

to that Dean Chandler guy.

You know, explain what happened.

You really think that would work?

I think it's worth a shot.

What do you have to lose?

And you may see that Heather chick again

and get more than a half hand job.

I think he'll definitely see her again.

(CARTER EXCLAIMS)

Yeah.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

By the way, I sort of accidentally

told Kendall we were in college last night.

Looks like those high school f***ers

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes