College Page #5

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aren't as stupid as we thought.

They got front row seats to nipple city.

Motherfuckers!

It's part of the whole

sorority experience.

Fraternities throw parties,

and we have charity events.

Nice! Are any of them naked?

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

All right, b*tches, you're up!

This isn't social hour!

So I guess you better go, huh?

Yeah, but maybe if you're lucky,

we'll let you guys buy us

a few beers tonight at Bruno's.

- What's that?

- A bar.

Wait. You guys do go to bars, right?

- Bars? Yeah. All the time.

- Every day. I'm always at the bar.

Just make sure you bring this guy.

- This guy?

- Me?

Yeah, you.

Last night was the first frat party

I actually enjoyed.

Because of me?

- Okay.

- Well, we'll see you guys tonight then.

Hey, I was thinking maybe we could,

you know,

finish what we started last night.

Maybe.

Just try not to pass out on me this time.

God, that girl f***ing rocks.

- Kev?

- Yeah?

On a scale of one to ten,

I like boobies at, like, 9,000. Seriously.

What's up, fellows?

Hey, Kevin!

Heard you and the General got a

little cozy last night. Jesus Christ!

Yeah. Yeah, that was a good one, Teague.

Hey, I don't suppose you know

what happened to my car, do you?

- So that's how it's gonna be, Teague?

- That's right, pre-frosh.

In fact, we got a job

for you three douche bags.

What kind of job?

Nothing much. We're just gonna need you

to clean the house for our party tonight.

Maybe wash my car.

You know how I like to keep my ride clean.

Where did I put them keys?

(EXCLAIMING)

- F*** that! No!

- Am I sensing some hostility?

Wait, are you guys serious?

Well, you guys didn't think

your room and board

were gonna be free here, did you?

We're not cleaning your house!

No f***ing way!

Well, maybe your little girlfriends

over there would like to find out

you guys are still in high school.

How do you know

we didn't already tell them?

Because if you did, they wouldn't be

giving you the time of day, you little d*cks.

Better get to work now, boys!

TEAGUE:
Pick the keys up.

Boom!

And Kevin? Kevy?

Don't waste your time with Kendall.

You don't want my sloppy seconds,

do you?

Unless you're into that?

You f***ing sicko! Go inside.

Dude, why do we have to clean?

Don't they got pledges to do this sh*t?

Dude, I think this weekend

we are the pledges.

(BEER SONG PLAYING)

MAN:
(SINGING)

Don't let them take it all away

I'm down on my luck

I'm out on the streets

I'm at wit's end

I've nearly been beat

See they've taken my home

They've taken my wife

They've taken my job

And they've taken my life

But there's one thing

That they will not take

That I will hold till the end

Until my dying day

'Cause it's part of me

And it's time that we say

They will not take it all away!

Don't let them take it all away

It's getting harder every day

Brothers, sisters, hear me say

I'm pounding the pavement

Through thick and thin

Good times and bad

I just can't win

I've been beat on, kicked on

Insulted to my face

The whole bleeding world thinks

I'm a bleeding disgrace

Yeah, they can own my body

But they'll never own my mind

So they better face the facts

'Cause now is the time

Till we all join hands

And all of us say

They will not take it all away

That's really funny.

'Cause I've been cleaning all day,

so you think that it'd be funny

to come in and throw a cup down.

Because I've been working really hard

and you want to ruin that for me.

I love that! You're just...

You're so f***ing cool, you b*tch.

Yeah, get some, you punk-ass b*tch!

Come here, you steaming f***!

- I don't know if this is a good idea.

- You want that scholarship, don't you?

Go on.

Come on, man! You can do it!

I believe in you! You're the coolest, bro!

- Yeah, he's totally f***ed. Yep.

- Yeah, totally.

Sh*t! Run away!

Let's just say that this morning was,

well, rather shocking.

Heck, I didn't even know

what some of those words meant.

I had to search the Internet for them.

But I guess that's what happens

when you choose to stay at a frat house,

rather than the dorm room

we assigned you.

I know, sir. It was a bad choice.

Christ, if I had my way,

I'd kick every fraternity off this campus.

Do you know that those animals

suck nitrous oxide

out of balloons just to get high?

Really? That's just awful!

(CHUCKLING)

Mr. Hooper, there is no doubt

that you are academically gifted,

but the scholarships we give out here

are about much more than just that.

Dean Chandler, that's me.

My family has a long history at Fieldmont,

and I'd like to continue that legacy.

Well, you know, son, I guess

you're gonna have to prove it to me.

For, as of right now, Mr. Hooper,

you and your scholarship

are hanging by a thread.

God! You're so lame!

Dude, where have you been? It's go time!

Relax! Relax!

I just had to run a little errand.

All my years of hard work

have finally paid off! That's my boy.

- Nice.

- What's wrong, Morris?

What's wrong?

I'm having a breakdown, Kevin!

Or have you forgotten what that feels like?

- I understand, man.

- What am I gonna do?

Somehow, I have to convince the Dean

that I actually want to go here.

Well, look, there's nothing

you can do about it tonight, all right?

- So let's just go get our girls. Here.

- This doesn't even look like me.

Whatever, Morris. Just tell the bouncer

you don't photograph well.

Let me see it.

Dude, this will totally work!

You guys are both just so ugly.

You're a little uglier, but it'll be good.

Don't worry about it.

(LAUGHING)

Laquisha?

Man, you actually expect me

to buy that your name is Laquisha?

You know what? I like how you roll, dog.

You in.

Sh*t!

- Sorry, guys. No dough, no go.

- F***!

Let the ladies through.

Let the ladies through.

Let the ladies through.

- What was that? They didn't pay.

- Did you see the size of those racks?

- No.

- Yeah, you big, big man.

You like that when

I squeeze them together for you?

I said no.

I cannot believe

those a**holes ripped us off.

They've done pretty much

everything else to us so far this weekend.

Why not that?

Man, do you think this is

what it's going to be like

- when we're really in college?

- Who knows?

Well, we probably won't all be together.

I know that.

God, Morris, you're such a f***ing baby!

Would you stop being a girl?

- Would you please just shut up?

- What? It's true!

Think about it, guys. This is it!

Senior year.

Man, he's right. This is it.

You know, all the more of a reason

to take advantage of being here.

All right, I'm not sitting around.

Come on, you guys!

Where are you going?

What do you think?

We've got a frat party to go to. Come on!

- What about the girls?

- Shut up.

(MORRIS GROANING)

- It hurts.

- Morris, let's go!

Come on.

- Wait for me!

- You're so slow! You're so slow!

MAN:
(SINGING) I was on my way up

She was on her way down

And I didn't know I crossed that line

Make me sick to my stomach

When I think of that woman

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