College Page #6

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Sitting in this cell of mine

I said, "Goddamn, I'm only a man"

Give me 15 years to life

Jailbait

(JAILBAIT CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SLICE OF LIFE PLAYING)

GIRL:
Come on, cowboy.

MAN:
Yeah!

GIRL:
You guys ready to celebrate?

All right!

Where's my whip?

You want to be my b*tch, huh?

Pass it on.

(EXCLAIMS)

- Fellows, it's not polite to stare!

- What the f***, man? What's up?

Ladies, I want you to meet

some very special guests.

- Hi, boys.

- What's up?

- Hi, cutie.

- Me? Hi.

Wait. You're the Penthouse

Pet of the Year.

Mmm-hmm.

- (STAMMERING) And you're...

- On the cover of Penthouse Letters.

Fellows!

Good for you for staying current.

(SIGHS)

Where were we? Where were we?

Where were...

Yeah, that's right. Ladies?

These guys were nice enough

to pay for all this.

Wait a second. That's what you did

with our money? You paid for this party?

Hey, kegs aren't cheap these days,

my man.

Neither are the circus animals

we got coming later.

Wait! You couldn't have paid for this.

We didn't even have

that much money in our wallets.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. What's up with that?

Luckily, you guys had some plastic.

God, my parents gave me that

in case of an emergency.

Well, good thing they got

such a high limit!

We almost maxed those puppies out.

Especially on this guy.

Verne Troyer?

- That's Mini-Me.

- Verne!

- Why do you keep hitting me? F***!

- Shut up, b*tch!

F***ing Mini-Me.

It was Bearcat's idea.

God, I love that guy.

Anyhow, we've gotta go be social.

You douche bags have fun. Okay? Okay.

Babies?

That was so weird, but so hot!

Dude, she grabbed my nipple!

Dude, she twisted my nipple, dude!

So, basically, this is our party.

- Yeah. In a roundabout way, I guess it is.

- Why don't I like where this is going?

Come on, Morris! I mean, we paid for it.

We may as well enjoy it.

- That's my boy!

- Come on! Who wants to keg stand?

Me! Me! I'm first!

I wanna go first! Please.

(LET'S GO GET WASTED PLAYING)

- Have you ever done one of these before?

- No, but it looks like fun, huh, man?

Yeah. Real fun.

All right, here,

make sure you get a good shot.

Wait, I thought you didn't want

to send Gina any more videos.

I changed my mind, all right?

Wait till she sees this one.

- Nice!

- Kev, come on.

What's happening?

You don't have to do this.

Yeah, I do, Morris, all right?

And you should lighten up and do one, too.

Yeah, f*** nugget.

Me? No way. That's a bad idea.

- I'm already on thin ice with the Dean.

- Whatever!

You know what? I think I'm gonna go

and find something non-alcoholic to drink.

You guys have fun puking on yourselves.

Okay. We will, buddy. I love you!

Call me later. Be safe.

- All right, whatever. Let's do this thing!

- All right.

Yeah. Be careful with him, guys.

He's fragile.

B*tches spit, Kev. B*tches spit.

- Hey, is there alcohol in there?

- In the punch?

No, not at all.

In fact, this is non-alcoholic

for our designated drivers.

- Really?

- Big old Bearcat wouldn't lie to you.

After last night, I feel like we bonded.

In fact, if you don't believe me,

have a taste.

Hey, can I have some punch?

Hey, safety first.

- Another designated driver.

- Thank you.

- Wow! It's pretty good.

- Drink up, buddy. You look thirsty.

Thanks, Bearcat. You're all right.

Listen to me. If anybody,

and I mean anybody,

fucks with you tonight, find me.

I got your front.

- Don't you mean "back"?

- If that's how you want it.

If you feel something

moving in your pants, don't fight it!

Who's f***ing on my floor?

- Heather!

- I know you!

GIRL:
Hey, Teague, who's the blonde?

Hey! Kendall! I'm glad you made it.

Let me get you girls some beers.

No, thanks, Teague. Not now.

If you're looking for who I think

you're looking for, don't bother.

He's a loser, him and his little friends.

Are you really that jealous?

You had your chance, Teague,

and thank God you blew it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- Yeah!

- I wanna drink! I wanna drink!

- F***, yeah!

- You are so awesome!

- Verne!

- Verne! Hey, Verne!

- F*** you, prick!

- I love you, too!

- Hey, man, did you get that one?

- Dude, you f***ing drained the thing!

- Holy sh*t. Oh, hey, hey! Look, look!

- Ladies!

Hey, Kendall! Kendall, hey!

What's up, ladies?

We were hoping you guys would show up.

Yeah, we waited at the bar

tonight for, like, two hours.

Yeah. Way to blow us off.

Amy, girl, you know

I'd never blow you off.

Especially last night, you know,

after the lesbian thing.

Hey, hey, look, the bouncer

wouldn't let us in, 'cause our IDs sucked.

We got in just fine,

and we don't even have ID.

Yeah, but, see, you guys got tits,

and those things are like gold.

Hey, but you know what?

You know what we're gonna do?

Let us make it up to you, okay,

'cause you still need those beers, right?

- I think you've had plenty.

- Me? Come on! Please!

I'm just getting started.

All right, well,

I'm gonna get you those beers.

We're gonna get you the beers.

- So don't move.

- Let's go!

- Excuse me, boobies! Look out!

- Wait. Where's Morris?

(HORN HONKING)

- Cocksucking motherf***er!

- F*** you!

Come on back and fight like a man!

MAN:
(SINGING) So, let's go

And get wasted

Let's go

Let's go

And get high

Let's go

(EXCLAIMS)

Look who's here!

Little high school friends.

Hey, come on, don't be a dick, Teague.

Fill us up.

- What'd you say?

- I said fill us up, fucktard.

Or is that too complicated for your small...

Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

He meant that in the nicest way possible.

Stop being an a**hole, Teague,

and give them our beer.

So you want some beer for your ladies?

All right.

You know what? You guys put up with

a lot of sh*t these past couple of days,

and you deserve this beer.

In fact, hold on.

(GROANS)

Hey, everybody, listen up!

I've got a quick announcement to make!

- Lay off, Teague.

- Trust me, Kendall. You're gonna love this.

See these guys right here?

These guys are pre-frosh.

(CROWD BOOING)

- That's right! They're high school kids!

- High school?

High school?

All right, come on now, once upon a time

we were high school kids, too.

- No way!

- Come on.

Grow up!

All right, shut up!

These guys are cool.

They're good guys

who want a beer and a good time.

Give them one.

Here it is. Your beer.

What the f***?

Stop peeing on me! What are you doing?

Would you f***ing stop peeing on me,

you little sh*t?

Say what?

Nobody talks to my bear kitten like that!

What me and him got,

you'll never understand.

Pick me up, b*tch!

Stop calling me b*tch! This is my frat.

You're embarrassing me.

And now let's get f***ed up!

(CROWD CHEERING)

- Kendall, wait!

- Nice one.

- Oh, my word, that was fun.

- (LAUGHING) That's not dancing.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

They can't dance.

Jim! Look out!

- Sweet Jesus! That was close!

- Hi! Dean Chandler!

Just the guy I wanted to talk to.

CHANDLER:
Oh, my God!

(ALL URINATING)

I'm so dead.

Yeah, well, at least you didn't get

beer poured on you by about 300 people.

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