College Page #7

---

Yeah, Kendall looked

pretty pissed back there, huh?

Pissed?

Dude, it looked like she was gonna

shoot f***ing daggers out of her eyeballs.

Kev? Kev! Where you going?

I'm gonna go apologize.

You coming with me?

Hey! Shut the f*** up!

This is my favorite part! Watch this sh*t!

MAN:
Dude.

BEARCAT:
There's Goose! There's Goose!

(LAUGHING)

Sh*t, that's funny!

Hey, play that sh*t again!

Play it in slow-mo!

- You guys do this sh*t for fun?

- All day, every day.

- Butch up, Goose! Stop being a p*ssy!

- Yeah!

I just saw those high school kids

heading over to the sorority house.

Just saying.

No way.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

What?

- Can I talk to you alone for a minute?

- Why? So you can tell me more lies?

- No, thanks.

- Hey! Wait!

- Come on, I leave tomorrow.

- You know, I thought you were different.

But you're just like the rest of them.

Have a nice drive.

College blows!

You think I'll ever see Heather again?

Probably not, Morris.

I pretty much blew it for all of us.

So that was my last shot

to score with Amy.

All I wanna do is bang

one college chick this weekend.

Is that so much to ask?

What the hell?

MORRIS:
My glasses! My glasses!

Get them in the van! Get them in.

Get them in.

- TEAGUE:
You pukes are worthless.

- Worthless!

Nothing but a bunch

of goddamn high school kids!

Goddamn high school kids!

I can't believe we're even out here

wasting our time on you.

Wasting our motherfucking time!

Dude, what's with the repeating?

It's f***ing killing me.

Sorry! It's stupid. Can I get a hug?

Just go stand over there

and look f***ing mean.

Do the growl thing.

Come on, man, I'll jeeper creeper

these motherfuckers. Hug me.

(BARKING)

We got beer to drink.

So it's been fun, kind of.

By the way,

have you guys ever seen

a pig stampede before?

- F***ed up. Pig stampede.

- Pig stampede!

- ALL:
Pig stampede! Pig stampede!

- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!

- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!

- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!

- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!

- Pig stampede! Pig stampede!

(PIGS SQUEALING)

BEARCAT:
Get out of the front seat, b*tch!

I called shotgun!

(GUN FIRES)

Sh*t! Run!

(GROANING)

Keep running, you little sicko pig f***ers!

(GUN FIRES)

This sucks.

Yeah, thanks for

stating the obvious, Carter.

You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but I think I actually miss high school.

- What, Kevin?

- Nothing. Forget it.

Don't forget it. If you have

something to say, f***ing say it!

Okay, fine, you want it? Here it is.

You're full of sh*t, Carter!

I'm full of sh*t?

Yeah! You're always talking

such a big f***ing game, man.

You know what? Newsflash!

He's never even been laid.

- So, that's how it's gonna be, huh, Kevin?

- No, no, no. Wait. You're still a virgin?

- (LAUGHING) Man! This is great.

- Yeah, whatever, Morris! Shut up!

You know what, Kev? Stop dumping on us

'cause the weekend didn't turn out

the way you thought it would!

Yeah, probably because

I've been listening to you too much.

Yeah, 'cause it was my idea to try

to prove Gina wrong and lie to Kendall!

- That was all you, man!

- Guys, come on. Let's not fight.

You know what? Stay out of it, Morris!

You're not part of this!

I'm not part of this?

This was supposed to be yours

and my weekend here.

Dude, whatever.

I didn't mean it like that.

No, but while we're comparing

shitty weekends,

here's one for you.

My face got written on

before my scholarship interview,

a pig just snacked on my nuts,

and, oh, yeah,

I almost forgot about this one,

I puked on the Dean's car,

which pretty much means

that I'm not getting my scholarship!

God, Morris! Ever since you got here

you whine, whine, whine

about your f***ing scholarship.

You don't even want to go here.

It's not about what I want!

You know how my parents are!

Yeah, well, then grow some f***ing balls

and stand up to them.

It's not that easy.

Hey, man, what's next?

They're gonna choose what job you take?

- What girl you marry?

- Dude, lay off, Kev!

That's a first.

You're sticking up for Morris, man?

- You bag on him more than anyone.

- That's not true and you f***ing know it!

Ha!

Okay, you know what, Morris? F*** you!

That's the last time

I ever have your f***ing back!

You know what? F*** you, too, Kevin,

for dumping all your bullshit on us.

All right, fine, Morris.

Yeah, walk away with him.

Why don't you hold his hand

while you're at it?

- F*** you, Kevin.

- Dropping the F-bomb, big man.

What is that,

the first time you ever used it?

I'm telling your parents!

F***!

MAN:
(SINGING) We do not know

How things work

How things work

We do not know

Where you go

In the night

Through the door

Through the door that holds you

Through the door that holds you

Out of the blue

We do not know

The door that holds you

Silent as glue

We stand under it

But we don't understand it

The door that holds you

Silent as glue

And stars fall on

Stars fall on

Silent as glue

- Nice look.

- This? Yeah, thanks.

So...

- Look, about what happened...

- Don't even go there.

- Just let me explain.

- I really don't want to hear it, Kevin.

I don't even know who you are.

Yeah, to be honest,

I'm not even sure I know anymore.

Maybe it's time you figure that out.

You know, high school, college,

it wouldn't have mattered to me.

Yeah, I know. It's so stupid.

You know, I came down here thinking

I needed to change who I was.

Lying to you was just part of it.

I thought you were pretty great.

Why would you want to change that?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Like, I mean,

I kind of liked who I was, or I am.

You know, a little uptight at times,

responsible.

God, I really screwed up this weekend.

You know, now Morris and Carter

are pissed at each other.

They're both pissed at me.

You just seem like the kind of person

who doesn't make mistakes.

Ha!

A couple weeks ago... Brace yourself.

I hooked up with Teague.

- Huge mistake.

- Yeah, he kinda told me.

Why not? He told the whole campus.

Why'd you do it?

I mean, with a guy like Teague?

- He is so...

- For all the wrong reasons.

He was good-looking.

He made me feel special,

and since he was a really good liar,

he made believe that it was

more than just a one-night thing.

- Ouch.

- Yeah.

It was kind of why I freaked out tonight.

I found out that you lied and

I assumed that you were just like Teague.

Oh, God, please, look,

I'm nothing like that guy.

I'm really sorry about everything.

Is this the real Kevin talking?

Or is this the new and improved

college Kevin talking?

No, this is the real me,

the uptight, responsible,

un-fun high school one.

Good. Apology accepted then.

All right, well,

I gotta go find Carter and Morris.

Before you go,

can I please give you some clothes?

- Morris? Morris, wake up!

- Kevin?

- What's with the...

- Where's Carter?

Look, you guys. I've been thinking

all night. I just want to say I'm sorry

about everything.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes