College Page #8

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- You said some harsh things, man.

- Yeah, I know.

I've realized a lot about myself

this weekend, and you guys.

I didn't mean what I said.

I've just been so hung up

on what Gina told me

that I haven't even stopped to think

that, you know, maybe she was wrong.

You guys are my best friends.

I'm not gonna let some stupid weekend

at college ruin that.

Whatever, man. It's cool.

I like the boring Kevin more anyway.

Thanks, Carter. I think.

Morris?

We all said some stuff, you know?

No biggie. I'm over it.

Sorry I, like, freaked out and lost my sh*t.

You guys,

that was so gay.

That was like the third gayest thing

we've done this weekend.

- It's getting out of hand.

- All right, look. Does this mean we're cool?

Yeah, man. For sure.

Okay! So now that we're done arguing

like a bunch of chicks,

- what the hell are we doing out here?

- Go ahead and look for yourselves.

- Is that all our stuff?

- Yeah.

- They even threw in all our rubbers.

- Those taint-sucking ball junkies.

Yep.

- Can we go home now?

- No. Not yet.

- Dude, why the f*** would we stay?

- The weekend's over, Kevin.

It's pretty clear

we're not wanted here anymore.

Come on, you guys.

We've got to stand up for ourselves.

No, we don't. We need to go home.

Come on, man.

After all the sh*t we've been through?

We can't leave like this, Morris.

Besides, I can't stand up

to these fraternity a**holes on my own.

All right, f*** it! If I'm not gonna get laid,

I might as well get revenge, right?

Come on, Morris.

We can't do this without you.

Come on, man. Just think about it.

Who wrote "hairy balls" on your face?

- Fraternity guys.

- Yeah.

Who made you wash their car,

drink out of some dude's belly button

and puke all over the Dean's car?

CARTER:
Who stripped you naked

and made you feel

like a little b*tch all weekend long?

- Fraternity guys!

- Yeah, that's right, the fraternity guys.

Look, man,

you want to stand up to your parents?

Why don't you start

by taking a stand here first?

Let's take those motherfuckers down.

F***!

One, two.

- Four, five...

- Dude, open the door!

Get over here!

(GROANING)

Five, four, three, two...

(SHOUTING)

- Dude, are you sure this is going to work?

- Trust me. It's physics.

F***.

- What the f***?

- Nothing's happening.

Maybe the matches blew out.

(BEEPING)

(ALARM RINGING)

What the...

Sh*t! F***!

What the f***?

F***ing pig!

F***ing sh*t!

(PIG SQUEALING)

Oh, sh*t!

- What the f*** is happening?

- There's pigs everywhere!

F*** me! God damn it!

What the f***?

It's beer!

It's f***ing beer, man!

(SIRENS BLARING)

Hey, you guys, you got to come outside!

I think the Beta Chi House is on fire

or something.

F*** you, pig!

Nice hair cut, buddy!

- Bearcat.

- Wait!

Wait! Can I flush first, guys? Come on!

You boys are in a world of sh*t now.

Disturbing the peace,

destruction of property,

stealing farm animals!

What the hell are you talking about?

It wasn't us!

- It was those f***ers right there!

- Officer, we don't even go here.

No. We're just a bunch

of high school kids.

You know, Officer, frankly, I'm appalled

at the behavior on this campus.

Motherfuckers!

F*** you!

Careful there, buddy. You've got a little

cut from a straight razor on your nipple.

Wait, wait! Wait!

- Where's my car?

- MAN:
Plastic p*ssy stole it!

Where's my f***ing car?

This was donated by

a group of our alumni.

This has made a very welcome addition

to our campus.

And I'm sure that your child will embrace

their studies...

Why don't we go ahead, guys?

Just follow me. Come on, guys.

CARTER:
So, wait. You're in high school?

AMY:
Yeah. I just came here to visit

for the weekend, like you guys.

- But you even drink like a college girl.

- Really? Thanks.

- So I guess this is it, huh?

- Well, it doesn't have to be.

Carter!

Spank me, tiger! Yeah!

- I guess I better...

- Morris.

Think you're gonna go here next year?

After this weekend,

I kind of feel like I already do.

Plus, I already have

a girlfriend lined up, so...

Yeah? And who's that?

Someone I met.

She plays a mean game of quarters.

So I guess that means I'll be getting

my photography lessons after all.

- So that's everything.

- I guess we should get on the road.

Wait. You know what? Hang on.

All right, guys. Let's go home.

Here comes trouble.

- Hey, Kevin.

- Hey, Gina.

So I got your video message.

Looks like you guys

had a pretty crazy weekend.

Hell, yeah!

- Yeah!

- Breath mint.

(GIGGLING)

Anyway, well,

it kind of made me think a lot

about you and me and, you know, us.

Why don't we just forget

this whole break-up thing ever happened?

What do you say?

Well...

You know,

I don't think so.

- What?

- Yeah, you see, I've moved on.

Moved on? We've only been

broken up for, like, three days.

Yeah, well, a lot can happen in three days.

And, Gina, that guy you saw?

Yeah, that's not really me.

Well, see you around.

And get a boob job, Gina. Lift.

Kevin! Wait! Seriously!

So what do you guys

want to do next weekend?

Next weekend? Aren't you grounded for,

like, the next six months?

F*** that! No problem.

I can just sneak out.

You know,

I've got a cousin that goes to U of I.

I'll pay you $5 a sniff,

either one of your farts.

I just want to cherish

your gaseous fumes.

It can be a birthday present.

My birthday's coming up!

Yeah! Lost my shoe.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Dude, you gotta see the shots I got

from last night's game.

I got one where Stoloff is mid-air

right over the inset...

Insectercide? Whatever the hell...

What the...

(STAMMERING)

Dean Chandler has denied our petition,

and we're still on probation.

- Sh*t.

- Yeah.

WOMAN:
Okay, cut!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Our camping trips? Our... The school...

Thing that was awesome

that we did together. Remember that?

It was you and me. What's the line?

Looks like my years of hard work

have finally paid off!

KEVIN:
What's the matter, Morris?

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

I've taken some whip-its, you know,

the cracker sh*t.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Whatever, man.

You guys are lightweights. I don't feel sh*t.

- Mom's a lightweight.

- Here... F*** you, dude!

Well, it doesn't have to be.

(CREW LAUGHING)

Is that our stuff?

Yeah. They even threw all our rubbers in.

Those scrotum-eating baby rapers.

Those taint-sucking ball junkies.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Those jizz-guzzling monkey f***ers.

You sucked in Austin Powers.

Mike Myers carried you.

You didn't even say nothing, b*tch.

Dude, you're doing it wrong, anyway.

You gotta flip it, b*tch.

F***ing beat you...

(CREW CHEERING)

Dude, this is so much better

than the brochure.

I know, man.

I've got a good feeling about this.

- I'm sorry, K.B. just said he had a boner.

- He said he had a boner.

WOMAN:
Can we cut? Cut.

I've got to ask you a favor.

You know that book about the mice

that Miss Dangle is asking

everybody to read?

- That's way too much cereal.

- MAN:
Swallow.

Twin powers, activate!

Form of a screaming...

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