College Road Trip

JAMES:
Okay. Life lesson.

A lot of people think

the moment a parent lets go

of their child is at the wedding.

Not me.

Think he's crying because

he's giving away his daughter?

Uh-uh.

It's because she's marrying this guy.

Truth is, he said goodbye years ago,

the day she left home.

The trouble starts here.

College application season.

With over 4,000 colleges in the US,

I developed five reasons for choosing

the perfect one for my little girl.

Academics, distance from home,

campus safety, distance from home,

and last but not least,

distance from home.

Which led us to the best choice.

Northwestern.

Forty miles from our house.

Safe, great education.

I can get there in 28 minutes, clocked.

Now, you can never

start a plan too early.

I'm James Porter, Police Chief,

husband, dad,

and the best part of my plan?

When Melanie finished high school,

she'd be going to Northwestern.

(EXCLAIMING)

You're in! You in!

(INAUDIBLE)

(BEATING GAVEL)

Counsel for the defense

will now make her closing statement.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

my client, Mr. Wolf,

has been accused of horrible crimes.

- Destruction of property...

- That's my baby.

I know that's right.

- But he is innocent of both.

- Objection! Speculative.

I'll allow it. Proceed.

The State has not presented

a single shred of conclusive evidence.

Yes, there is a house made of sticks,

and one of straw,

but they were both built to code.

That being said,

a huff and a puff is not enough!

Let me hear you say it.

ALL:
A huff and a puff is not enough!

- Objection!

- JUDGE:
To what?

Rhyming?

(BEATING GAVEL)

Mr. Foreman, have you

reached a decision?

We have, Your Honor.

We find the defendant not guilty.

(EXCLAIMING)

- Congratulations!

- Thank you.

- Congratulations.

- Thanks, Katie.

My turn!

(EXCLAIMING)

Daddy's girl!

(CHUCKLES) Baby.

Oh!

(GROWLS)

Baby girl,

you knocked it out of the park.

Thank you.

- But you do know he was guilty, right?

- Dad, this is legal theory.

Everything's not just black and white,

there are shades of gray.

Yeah, well, gray is just guilty

with a good excuse.

- No, actually, it's just...

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

You both have interesting points,

but the trial is over.

Now, Mama's rule is we go home

and celebrate.

Yes. Okay, wait. I've got to

get something out of my locker.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, my goodness!

Miss Porter. Well done.

Wow. Thank you, Your Honor.

Your teacher mentioned

you're interested in my alma mater.

Georgetown? Yes, sir.

Although it doesn't matter,

because I've been wait-listed.

You know, an old classmate of mine

works in Admissions at Georgetown.

No guarantees,

but I could give him a call...

(GASPS) Oh, my goodness! Yes!

- Thank you, thank you, thank you!

- (CHOKING) I'll take that as a "yes."

You're obstructing my airway.

They're going to love my special sauce.

- Smells good, baby.

- Thank you. Thank you.

(CLEARING THROAT)

- Everything all right?

- Albert just beat me at chess. Again!

(GRUNTING)

Stop gloating, Albert!

Nobody likes a sore winner.

(GRUNTING)

I need 13ccs of orange juice, please.

- Thirteen ccs coming right up, baby.

- Thank you, Mother.

He's playing chess with a pig.

He's just going through a phase.

A phase is

when they want to be a cowboy.

- Trey's got issues.

- Now hold up, now.

Kids with high IQs,

they got big imaginations.

And something about that pig,

he keeps eyeballing me,

like I'm cooking his cousin.

Pig ain't eyeballing you.

(GRUNTS)

See, he's doing it right now!

Baby, look! He's doing it.

What? It's all in your head, James.

- Little Houdini pig...

- Ain't no Houdini nothing over there.

Do what you gotta do.

(GRUNTING)

MICHELLE:
Wonderful, Emma!

MRS. O'MALLY: Really?

Because I feel like a house.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

- There's our superstar.

- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. O'Mally.

- I'm so sorry I can't join you tonight.

- Celebrating, I hope.

I'm just hanging out with a couple of

mock-trial friends at the library.

Total rager.

- Wow.

- That's my baby. That's my baby.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

And that's my cue.

- I'll be back by curfew! Promise!

- ALL:
Okay, good night!

She is a pip.

Hey.

- All clear?

- Not yet. Wait for the first wave.

ALL:
Bye!

Second wave.

ALL:
Bye.

Forward party!

- Party!

- Party!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

ON STEREO)

(ALL WHOOPING)

So, any parenting advice for us?

- What would you like to know?

- We want a daughter like Melanie.

I mean, just tell us. I mean, not...

Not that I'm nervous.

You know, it's not that I'm nervous...

I'm not nervous.

(GASPS)

- He's just...

- I'm sorry.

Relax. Raising a daughter is easy.

Take me and Melanie.

We got a solid relationship.

There's nothing we can't talk about.

Are you kidding?

I can't tell that man anything!

I say left, he says right.

I say defense attorney,

he says pre-paid excuse-maker.

(GRUNTING) That man is so rigid!

- Rigid.

- Rigid.

I'm flexible. As Melanie's grown,

I've grown with her.

He still treats me like a kid!

You clearly need

to take your mind off things

and come on our college tour

this weekend!

Saturday we're staying at my sister's

sorority at the University of Pittsburgh.

And we could even hit up Georgetown.

It's not that far.

Oh, my goodness, you guys,

I would love to!

But I don't think my dad will let me.

- Lame!

- Lame!

Hey, girls!

- Hey, Hunter!

- Hey, Hunter!

Hunter in the house!

- We don't say that anymore.

- We don't say that anymore.

- I'm bringing it back!

- Okay.

So it might be emotional,

and there might be tears,

but that's why they call it "tough love."

- Now, once they're potty-trained...

- Uh-uh. Baby?

I think we've had enough

parenting talk for tonight, hmm?

You're absolutely right.

Why tell them,

when I could show them?

Uh-uh. No...

Ta-da!

Welcome to the

James Porter School of Raising Kids.

Our motto is, "Be there, take video."

(CHUCKLES)

Which one?

(HUMMING)

- Wow.

- Super.

All righty!

MELANIE ON TV:
My name is

Melanie Porter, and I am six years old.

Ta-da!

That's my baby!

Yeah. Yeah.

Dad, I can't move my legs!

I can't pedal!

MELANIE:
(SINGING) A-B-C-D-E-F...

(WHISPERING) In the future,

all video will be implanted in our brains.

Perfect.

(GRUNTING)

Why do you keep eyeballing me?

Seeing the O'Mallys tonight

reminded me of when I was pregnant

with Melanie.

Doesn't seem that long ago.

I can tell you one thing.

I was not as uptight as him.

You were my rock.

Right until they wheeled me into that

delivery room. Then you passed out.

No, I did not pass out.

I just didn't get a nap that day.

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