Colour of Magic, The

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In a distant

and second-hand set of dimensions,

through wavering star mists,

see the Great A 'Tuin.

Drifting onwards through space

atop the shell of the great turtle

are four giant elephants,

upon whose broad shoulders

rests the Discworld.

For the people on the Disc,

the turtle was a mere hypothesis,

untiI one day, the island kingdom of Krull,

whose rim-most mountains

project over the rim fall,

lowered over the edge a brass vesseI

containing severaI astrozoologists.

Their mission did indeed prove

the existence of the turtle.

Unfortunately,

owing to a minor malfunction,

they were unable to answer

an even more fundamentaI question.

What is the sex of the turtle?

The remaining astrozoologists

are never short of a question.

Why does it matter?

So we're gonna look at a turtle's bottom?

- That won't be very nice, will it?

- No.

Since the failure of the last mission,

this vital question

cannot possibly be answered

without sending a new expedition

over the edge of the Disc

in this.

It's a bit small.

It will be somewhat bigger.

Yeah, but where in the world

are you gonna find someone

stupid enough to go in that?

SeveraI thousand miles

hubwards from the rim,

in Ankh Morpork, the Disc's oldest city,

the ship arriving in its dock

is carrying Twoflower,

the Discworld's first tourist.

He is looking forward

to all its sights and smells.

And, of course, no tour would be complete

without a visit to the city's

Unseen University for Wizards,

and its famous Tower of Art.

When our story begins,

wizards are not very nice.

Carrying the finaI remains

of one of their number,

the eight heads of the orders of wizardry

have demonstrated

great powers of survivaI, because

behind every wizard of the eighth rank,

there is at least one seventh-rank wizard

trying to bump him off.

Old Rumlet, he never saw it coming,

you know, Trymon.

Well, you know what they say,

Arch Chancellor.

"When a wizard is tired of looking

for broken glass in his dinner,

"he is tired of life. "

I'm just speculating, obviously.

We are gathered here today

to pay our respects to Old Rumlet,

a wizard...

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm not late, am I?

- Who is that?

- Rincewind, Arch Chancellor.

Rincewind?

Oh!

Have him sent to my office in ten minutes.

Oh, get on with it, Weatherwax.

My back's killing me.

Run along, Rincewind.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh! Sorry, Narrowbolt.

Mr Rincewind, there are,

as you know, eight levels of wizardry

to which the aspiring young...

To which the student can aspire.

In your not inconsiderable time here

at the Unseen University,

you have failed to reach even level one.

- Ah, yes, but you see...

- What the Arch Chancellor is trying to say

is that, after decades of teaching you,

patience seems not so much a virtue

as a life sentence.

- Oh, yes, but...

- There is simply no room

for your kind of person

in a modern university.

- I feel...

- So you leave the Arch Chancellor

no other course of action but to expel you.

But it's only been 40 years.

The hat.

Goodbye, Mr Rincewind.

In the competitive world

of wizardry,

the way to the top

is via dead men's pointy shoes.

Even if you have to empty them yourself.

Ashburn, Narrowbolt.

- You can't...

- And don't come back!

Now, let me tell you...

Ah, thank you very much.

Deep in its very bowels,

the departure of the Disc's worst wizard

from the Unseen University

has stirred magic.

Good day to thee, sire.

Right.

Goodbye, world.

Disappointing.

"Hello! "

Hello, yourself.

"I wish

"to be directed

"to an hotel

"tavern,

"lodging house in hospice.

- "I wish... "

- I know a tavern.

Ooh!

This way.

Sapient pearwood!

The tourist's luggage

is no ordinary suitcase.

It has absolutely no brain,

and a homicidaI attitude

towards anything

that threatens its master,

and would follow him anywhere.

"I wish

"for an accommodation.

"A room. Lodgings. Are your rooms clean?

A room with a view.

"What is your rate for one night?

What is for breakfast?

"Where are the

"bathrooms?"

He's got plenty money.

Oh, it'll be, um...

Two dollars, then?

Oh, and that thing

has to stay in the stables.

Hmm?

Two!

Two-ah?

Two-ah.

Oh!

Two-ah.

Two-ah.

Um, shower?

- ... shower?

Huh?

It is! Sapient pearwood!

Um...

"... toiletries?" Toilet...

May I be of assistance?

Oh, shove off, Rincewind.

It won't work. It's the book,

you see, it tells him what to say.

It's magic.

Aye!

No!

Oh! Uh...

Ah! So you're a wizard!

And you speak Ankh-Morporkean!

Yes.

I did a correspondence course.

Well, what's all this about, then?

Oh! Well, a tourist should always use

his phrasebook

so that people will know you're one.

Ah! And, um,

is that really your luggage?

Yes. And are you really a wizard?

Hmm? Oh!

Well...

I hear the famous Unseen University

is a must-see.

I was hoping to visit it,

so that when I get back home

I could say that, you know, I did that.

Ah, yeah, well, it's closed.

For the exams.

Oh.

Where is your home?

Ah! Have you heard of Bes Pelargic?

It's the major sea port

of the Agatean Empire.

That's the Counterweight Continent,

isn't it?

Yes.

We may be small,

but we're equal in weight to all the

major land masses of this hemicircle.

Well, that's because the ancient legend...

It says that it's made of gold.

- Well, it's not made of gold.

- No.

No, gold is just

a really common metal there.

You might like

to keep that to ourselves.

Hmm?

On the house.

- Who is he?

- He says he's a tourist.

Ah.

What's that mean, then?

I think it means "idiot. "

Hmm.

Yes.

You are correct in your surmise.

This is, technically, false coinage.

I knew it. Oh, I knew it.

I got a nose for a dud.

What do you mean, "technically"?

Well, you see, our Ankh Morpork coins

contain rather less gold

than a pint of sea water.

I knew it!

But this, my friend, is solid gold.

What? What?

I've gotta get back.

And so, the leaders

of a number of the many gangs, guilds

and collections of other nefarious dirt bags

of Ankh Morpork

were aware that someone

had arrived in the city

who appeared to have much treasure.

Hmm.

Including Ymor, its greatest thief.

So! No guards?

No, why?

What do I have that's worth stealing?

Well, the trunk. I mean, there can't be

more than two very small wands

made of sapient pearwood

in all the cities of the Circle Sea,

let alone a whole box.

That, and the gold.

Barely 2,000 rhinu.

Is a rhinu one of those big gold coins?

Yes.

Do you think

I paid the innkeeper too much?

I think he might have settled for less.

Well, I can see I've got a lot to learn.

- Hmm.

- Hmm.

An idea occurs to me.

Rincewind, would you perhaps consent

to be employed as a, um...

Well, perhaps the word "guide"

would fit the circumstances.

I think I could afford to pay you...

A rhinu a day?

Oh dear, I've offended you.

It was an impertinent request.

Doubtless you have works of high magic

to return to.

One of those a day?

Oh. Well... Two, then?

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