Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber

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1

[Justin Bieber's

All Around the World]

All around the world

(male announcer)

This is The Comedy Central Roast

of Justin Bieber.

All around the world

people want to be loved

With your roastmaster,

Kevin Hart,

and starring

Shaquille O'Neal,

Jeff Ross,

Natasha Leggero,

Chris D'Elia,

Pete Davidson,

Snoop Dogg,

Ludacris,

Martha Stewart,

and Hannibal Buress.

All around the world

people want to be loved

All around the world

they're no different than us

The Comedy Central Roast

of Justin Bieber.

And now, please welcome

your roastmaster, Kevin Hart.

[cheers and applause]

All right, hey.

Y'all better clap.

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Kevin Hart,

and welcome

to The Comedy Central Roast

of Justin Bieber.

Here's the thing,

Justin Bieber has

tens of millions of fans.

I mean, most of them

are either in middle schools

or standing at least

500 feet away from one.

I mean...

It's the truth. I'm not saying

anything that's not the truth.

He's a worldwide superstar.

There's even

a wax figure of Justin

at Madame Tussauds

in London.

It's incredibly lifelike.

I've seen it.

He's face down

in a wax Usher's lap.

It's--it's weird.

That's a dick sucking joke.

We off to a start.

Yeah.

It's gonna get dirty tonight.

Tonight--Here's the thing.

Tonight we're gonna do

what his parents

and the legal system

should have done

a long time ago.

We're about to give this boy

a ass-whupping that he deserves.

We are.

We are!

Why invite me if you

don't want it to get ugly?

I don't understand that.

I mean, come on,

we got the right dais to do it.

We got Ludacris.

We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq.

This is crazy.

Usually, when I see this many

brothers sitting together,

Maury Povich is about to open

an envelope.

I've never seen

anything like it.

Shaq, take that dumbass look

off your face.

You look stupid.

Here's my question.

Shaq, how did you even

end up on a roast?

That's what I want to know.

They must've called up

the NBA pregame show

and said, "You know what?

Send us the third funniest guy.

"Wait, he's not available?

Send us Shaq.

Let us get Shaq then."

My man Snoop Dogg is here.

There he is.

Yeah.

Wait, wait,

let me clear something up

for all the young people

here tonight.

Snoop Dogg is a rapper.

Yeah, that's my aunt's

favorite rapper.

You know--

For all the black people

that are confused

about that old white woman

on the couch,

that's Martha Stewart.

Yeah, right there.

That's Martha Stewart

right there.

Martha, do me a favor and put

your ankle bracelet on vibrate

so we don't have no problems

during the show.

But, Martha,

understand something.

Tonight, it's about

another blond b*tch.

It's about Justin Bieber.

That's who we're talking about

tonight.

That's who we're talking

about tonight.

So now, why don't we do this.

Why don't we go and take a look

at his huge success

that confuses everyone

over the age 14.

Roll security footage

right now.

Our next guest has

a mind-boggling 80 million views

on YouTube,

and he's only 15 years old.

And I was like,

baby, baby, baby, oh

Like, I thought

you'd always be mine

I'm gone

That's how you do it.

Find me somebody to love

(female news reporter)

Justin Bieber is one of

the biggest

pop stars on the planet.

(Drake)

Now I'd like you to welcome

my brother to the stage.

He goes by the name

of Justin Bieber.

- Justin Bieber.

- Justin Bieber.

(Justin)

I love you so much.

[police siren blaring]

(female news reporter)

Speeding down the 101 freeway,

pop star Justin Bieber

was stopped by police.

(male news reporter)

The Boyfriend singer

had just returned home

from an overseas concert tour

when he began racing his Ferrari

through the streets.

If I was your boyfriend

I'd never let you go

(girl) I think about him

99% of my life.

I saw him in the car.

That was the most amazing

moment of my life.

Best moment of my life!

Justin Bieber said

that he hoped Anne Frank

would have been

a Belieber.

That's right,

I didn't make that up.

I couldn't have made that up.

If I was your boyfriend

Ow.

(female news reporter)

Bieber could face

battery charges

after a physical altercation

with a photographer.

What the [bleep] you say?

(man)

You watch it, man.

- What'd you say?

(man) You are [indistinct].

I'll beat the [bleep]

out of you.

(male news reporter)

He was accused of throwing eggs

at this mansion,

causing $20,000 in damage.

Were they Faberg eggs?

What did you throw?

Whoo!

(female news reporter)

Bieber is facing

multiple charges

after a wild night

in Miami Beach.

DUI alcohol or drugs,

resisting without violence,

driving with an expired

driver's license.

You're too young

to be smoking pot

and driving up and down

the highway fast!

What are you doing?

- Ah!

- What are you doing?

Whoo!

I've done some things that might

not have been the greatest.

- Really? Nothing comes to mind.

- I know, right?

I don't know what

you're talking about.

(man)

Justin Bieber has become

the new face--

or should we say body--

of Calvin Klein.

Yo, my pee-pee's in there.

As long as you love

The fanfare of what he is

as a celebrity

is only partial to what he

ultimately will be as an artist.

(Justin)

This is not the end

of Justin Bieber.

As long as you love me

[cheers and applause]

Tonight--tonight, we're

going to talk about redemption.

[gospel organ playing]

We're going to talk about

second chances and third chances

and 15th chances.

Sometimes it can be

hard to believe,

but I'm not asking you all

to believe.

I'm asking you to "beliebe."

Yes, yes.

I'm asking you

to "beliebe" in a man

with the voice

of Stevie Wonder

and the driving skills

of Stevie Wonder.

My question to the church is,

"Are you ready to beliebe?"

[cheers and applause]

No.

No, no, no.

I'll ask again.

I said,

"Are you ready to beliebe?"

[crowd cheering]

Are you ready

to become Beliebers?

[crowd cheering]

Then, ladies and gentlemen,

Justin Bieber.

[gospel music]

(all) Got to Beliebe

(Kevin) Yeah.

Got to Beliebe

He's gonna make a Belieber

A Belieber out of me

- Yes!

When you Beliebe

When you Beliebe

You will be down, way down,

on your bendin' knee

I'm gonna be a Belieber

Till the day I die

(Kevin) Yeah.

Shout "I beliebe"

from the mountain high

(Kevin) Hey.

Got to Beliebe.

(Kevin) Hey.

Got to Beliebe

He's gonna make a Belieber

A Belieber out of me

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

We killed the white boy.

The white--

Watch out. Watch out!

Let me through.

Jesus, no.

(woman)

Oh!

(Kevin)

Not like this.

Wait, wait.

He's moving! He's moving!

[all cheering]

[gospel music]

(all)

He's still alive,

We thought he died

You can't kill Justin Bieber

no matter what you try

It's time to go

on with the show

But you got to--

Got to Belie-e-ebe

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah, oh.

Justin Bieber, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

(Kevin)

Nice. How you doing?

(Kevin) You're good?

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