Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #2

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- Yep.

That's good.

I'm glad that you're good.

- All right.

- Here's the thing.

Before we get off

to any roasting and any digging,

I want everybody

to understand this,

Justin Bieber really does

have it all.

I'm serious.

He has a dick and a p*ssy.

Justin, stand up.

Pop that thing one time.

Show 'em. Give 'em

that hermaphrodite twerk

one time.

I've seen it.

No? No?

Let's be honest.

Justin, you made a few mistakes.

You're not perfect.

He's done some things.

Dude, you got caught peeing

on a video in a mop bucket.

Why are these idiots

who work for you

taping you pissing?

That's what I don't understand.

Like, when someone's

filming you taking a piss,

if you don't want them

to tape you,

you turn around, you say,

"Turn the Goddamn camera off,"

unless it's mandatory

like Snoop pissing

in front of his parole officer.

That's different, Snoop.

That guy's got to see

your dick.

I get it.

Don't worry about it.

That's a criminal joke to Snoop

'cause he's been to jail.

You were on the cover

of Men's Health.

He's getting

a lot of slack

for taking his shirt off

all the time.

I don't get it.

I don't understand that.

Justin, let me

tell you something, man.

Okay, if you can take

your shirt off, you do it.

You do it as much

as you Goddamn can.

Seriously.

Look at Shaq--Shaq--

Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off

since high school, okay?

That's a true story.

That's a true story right there.

Jeff Ross hasn't taken

his shirt off since preschool.

True story.

Martha Stewart had her shirt off

in my dressing room.

Stop, stop, stop.

Don't get the wrong idea.

She just wanted me

to titty f*** her!

Yeah!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Stop.

I'm just trying

to loosen y'all up.

I'm sorry.

Martha, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Is that gonna affect me getting

free sheets after this, Martha?

Please.

I messed up my chance

of getting free sheets,

Goddamn it, Kevin.

Me personally, I'm not mad.

I'm not mad at Justin.

I'm not.

I'm gonna tell you

who I'm mad at.

I'm mad at his manager.

You, Scooter.

That's right.

Scooter Braun right there.

Scooter is the man that actually

discovered Justin Bieber.

Scooter Braun was

25 years old.

He was a single man

living in Atlanta alone

when he found Justin Bieber

on the Internet

in the middle of the night.

The middle of the night!

He found a little white boy

with nice hair on the Internet.

Sounds to me like Scooter was

fresh off a dick-beating session

if you ask me.

Now, I don't know

where Chris Hansen is,

but he missed one.

That's a Goddamn predator

if I've ever seen one

right there.

Now, Justin, unfortunately,

Selena Gomez,

she couldn't be here tonight.

[audience "awws"]

No, she couldn't.

She couldn't...

Just because

she didn't want to come.

There's no reason.

She just didn't want to--

She didn't want to be here.

I wish I had something better

to tell you, but I don't.

No, Selena got word

that there was rumors

of Justin dealing

with Kendall Jenner,

and that shocked me.

I was like, "What the f***?"

That's what I said.

"What the f***?"

I was like, "If you're gonna

deal with a Jenner,

I thought it would be Bruce."

That's what I thought.

If it was--

Just one. I'm sorry.

That's the only one.

I swear to God, guys,

no more.

It's no secret that Justin

wants to be black.

Can we all agree on that?

Justin loves the black culture.

Everybody knows that.

My thing is this,

Justin, I just want you

to come to terms with the fact

that you're not gangster.

That's Justin's

main problem, man.

You're not a gangster!

Accept that.

I mean, come on.

Orlando Bloom took a swing

at you.

That's not gangster, Justin.

It's not!

He's got a perfume

called "Girlfriend."

That's not gangster, Justin.

You threw eggs at a house.

Gangsters don't throw

f***ing eggs!

Snoop, when the last time

you threw eggs

at somebody's Goddamn house?

We don't do that!

It's not gangster!

Justin--Justin sang the N-word

on a video

in a song that was

about killing black people!

That's pretty Goddamn gangster,

Justin, I'ma give you that.

That's as gangster as you get

right there.

He actually got

in a lot of trouble

when he got caught

saying the N-word on video.

That right there, that should

make you feel stupid.

Reason why I say that,

because you know who didn't

get caught, Justin?

The billion other white people

that say the N-word

every Goddamn day.

I'm talking about you, Martha.

I know you say it.

You probably thinking it

right now.

"Look at--Look at that

little n*gger up there

"in his little n*gger tux.

"With his little n*gger shoes.

Look at him,

up there dancing."

Thankfully,

Justin avoided the usual--

I guess you could say,

former childhood mistakes.

You know, he hasn't had

a sex tape.

That's good for you.

He hasn't killed anyone.

You haven't bought a monkey.

Oh, sh*t, you did.

You bought a monkey.

And you abandoned the monkey

in Germany.

What the f*** was that?

Like, you abandoned a monkey

in Germany.

That was a privileged

Beverly Hills monkey.

You showed him

your lifestyle,

and then you

dropped him off in Germany?

Now that monkey's turned out

in a Goddamn German zoo

sucking rhino dick

'cause of your bad decision.

It's not about the monkey

tonight.

It's about you, Justin.

What I want you to do,

I want you to sit back,

relax,

'cause it's gonna be

a great night, man--

Not for you,

for everybody else.

We're gonna have a blast.

It's on!

You hear me, people?

It is on!

(announcer) Coming up...

- Cameras are here, Jay, go!

(announcer) Natasha Leggero...

- I'm about to kill it.

(announcer) Pete Davidson,

Shaquille O'Neal...

- Full roast mode, baby.

(announcer) Jeff Ross...

- Getting in character.

- I'm ready.

(announcer) Chris D'Elia.

- Is Ludacris ready

- is what I want to know.

- I'm 100% prepared.

(announcer) Hannibal Buress,

Martha Stewart,

and Snoop Dogg.

- Naughty, naughty, naughty,

naughty.

(announcer) When The Roast of

Justin Bieber continues.

[techno music]

Are y'all ready to have

a good time tonight?

[cheers and applause]

That's what I want to hear.

Okay, our first roaster

is Pete Davidson.

Now, he's the newest member

of Saturday Night Live.

This introduction is way longer

than his Wikipedia page.

Guy from New York,

it's Pete Davidson.

[techno music]

Thank you.

It's an honor to be at a roast

hosted by Shaq's dick.

Wow. Wow, Ludacris

and Snoop Dogg are here.

If I was 38,

I'd be freaking out right now.

Kev, I loved you

as black Annie.

He was so good.

Ludacris!

I don't mean you.

I mean Jeff's career.

No, no, I mean,

I've been watching these roasts

since I was nine, and

what's happening to you, Jeff?

You look like someone put

Seth Rogen in the microwave.

Martha, it's nice to see you

interacting with black people

for the first time since prison.

That's really nice.

Martha's so old, her first

period was the Renaissance.

What's up, Ludacris?

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