Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #3

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What's up, man?

You might know Ludacris

from your mom's

That's What I Call Music CD.

Come on,

let's hear it for Shaq, right?

[cheers and applause]

Thanks for being here

and taking a break

from throwing barrels

at Super Mario.

[laughs]

I'm sorry.

[laughs]

Please don't eat me.

[laughs]

I'm so afraid, you're so big.

One of the many nicknames

that Shaq has is "Superman,"

right, and much like Superman,

he pretends to be a reporter

and has never met

his real father.

No, no, no, no.

Shaq is cool, though.

Shaq has shattered

eight backboards

and 79 cervixes.

Hannibal--Hannibal Buress

is here, everybody, Hannibal.

Hannibal, of course, is famous

for exposing Bill Cosby, right,

and only for exposing

Bill Cosby.

No, he deserved it though.

Bill Cosby hurt those women

without ever caring

about the consequences--

that Hannibal Buress would

become famous.

Snoop Dogg's here.

Snoop, I love Snoop,

you know?

Snoop's son just got accepted

to play division one

college football.

Yeah. So Snoop Dogg

found out he has a son.

And now speaking of someone

who probably doesn't know

he has a son,

Justin Bieber is here.

Justin--

Give it up for him.

It really is--it's really

so cool what he's doing.

You have no idea

how awesome this is.

My cast-mate on SNL,

Kate McKinnon,

does a perfect impression

of Justin.

Perfect,

right down to the clit.

Justin has a lot of tattoos.

You have "patience" tattooed

on your neck,

and "this doesn't count"

right above his a**hole.

No, no, no, but Justin's f***ed

more models than bulimia.

He's the only thing they swallow

and don't throw back up.

Justin, you know,

I lost my dad on 9/11,

and I always regretted

growing up without a dad,

until I met your dad,

Justin.

Now I'm glad mine's dead.

And now for the greatest

transition

in the history of comedy,

two people from the movie

Soul Plane are here, right?

[cheers and applause]

Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was

the worst experience of my life

involving a plane.

All right, well--

No, seriously, Justin,

I just want to say how cool

it is for you to be doing this.

Like, you're the dude

for our generation, like,

and it's just so cool

to see someone our age

do exactly what he wants to do,

and you just, like,

took over the world,

and like,

it really is an inspiration.

This kid's f***ing insane,

so thank you, bro.

[techno music]

[cheers and applause]

(Pete) I've always wanted

to make fun of him

because everybody my age

likes him

more than they like me,

and that's not okay.

(announcer)

Coming up, Natasha Leggero.

and Ludacris.

Are you ready?

(announcer)

When The Roast

of Justin Bieber continues.

[techno music]

All right.

Our next roaster is

a semi-famous rapper.

I'm talking about Ludacris.

His first album was called

Incognegro,

and his new album, Ludaverse,

is hopefully his last.

You may not recognize him

from the Fast and Furious movies

because when he's on-screen,

even the white people

start talking.

Please welcome one of the most

successful rappers of 2001,

Ludacris!

[Ludacris' Money Maker]

Shake your money maker

Like somebody about to pay you

I see you on my radar

Don't you act

like you afraid of Shh...

You know I got it

If you want it, come get it

Stand next to this money

Like hey hey hey

Oh, man.

Whoo.

Make some noise for Kevin Hart,

ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I just recently got married.

That's something to celebrate.

And Kevin was at my wedding

because I needed

a miniature black man

on my cake,

so thank you for that.

My good friend Shaquille O'Neal

is here this evening.

[cheers and applause]

Look at those big-ass feet.

Man, you got toes in different

area codes right now.

You do realize that, right?

Shaq's fingers are so big,

every text he's ever sent

is just every letter

of the alphabet

at the same damn time.

I'm just playing, Shaq,

you know.

You are truly one

of the most original rappers.

And by that I mean,

most of your CDs

are still covered

in their original wrapper.

You do--

you do know that?

I believe the Doggfather's

in the house tonight.

[cheers and applause]

Snoop, your homey Dr. Dre just

became a billionaire last year,

and you should be proud.

There's not a lot

of black billionaires.

There's Dr. Dre

and the guy

that sells you weed.

Yeah.

I mean, you are a legend,

which is a nice way of saying,

"You old as f***."

You only do it

doggie style now

because it's easier

on your lower back.

I see you over there laughing,

Martha Stewart.

What you laughing at, huh?

She's so old, if you look

closely at the $100 bill,

you can see Martha photo-bombing

Ben Franklin in the background.

So let's get to the kid

that I've known

longer than anybody else

up here, Mr. Justin Bieber.

[cheers and applause]

He may have just turned 21,

but Justin will always be

a baby to me

since babies piss everywhere

and never know

when to shut the f*** up.

I remember one day,

I got this call saying,

"We want you to collaborate

with this little dude

who will do anything

to get famous,"

and I was like,

"Great, I love Kevin Hart."

You know?

That's my guy.

But this dude turned out to be

Justin motherfucking Bieber,

and together we dropped

a track called Baby.

[crowd cheering]

It's got over a billion hits

on YouTube.

That's because I'm in it.

It also has

4 million dislikes.

That's because he's in it.

It's like you try to roll

like a gangster, man,

but you're not tough, Justin.

I'm here to let you know, man.

I know you been on Ellen

14 times.

You act so much like a p*ssy

on the show,

Ellen tried to eat you.

I mean, come on.

But you've become

a music icon

like a modern day

Michael Jackson.

The only difference is,

as Michael got older,

he acted whiter.

Justin Bieber wants

to be black so bad,

he actually has seen

Kevin Hart's movies in theaters,

ladies and gentlemen.

Justin, honestly, I feel bad

kicking you while you're down,

but since you want

to be black,

you might as well

get used to it, man.

No, honestly, man,

it takes a very brave soul

to get up here,

and I just want to say,

I love you, J.B.

I'm glad that you did this.

This is a beautiful thing.

Y'all make some noise

for my man, Justin Bieber.

[cheers and applause]

[techno music]

All right.

Hey, how about Ludacris?

Come on, one time.

One time.

[cheers and applause]

Everything I know

about being a whore

in the entertainment industry,

I learned

from this next roaster.

Of course I'm talking about you,

Natasha Leggero.

You guys may have seen her

on Reno 91 as a whore on drugs.

If you didn't see that,

you may have seen her

in Neighbors

as a whore on drugs.

Everybody, I want you

to pull out some Purell

for Natasha Leggero

right now.

[cheers and applause]

[techno music]

Kevin, you look like someone

put 50 Cent in the dryer.

There is a lot of star power

up here.

These men combined

have made millions

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