Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #4

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in child support payments.

Kevin,

you are everywhere.

You know, Kevin's actually

gonna be on the next season

of Game of Thrones.

He's playing

Peter Dinklage's shadow.

[cheers and applause]

Kevin does

all of his own stunts.

He climbs into his own chair.

He climbs

out of his own bathtub.

He goes up on his wife.

Kevin has a Napoleon complex.

Kevin, Napoleon was

the leader of France.

Ludacris,

France is in Europe.

Justin,

Europe's a continent.

Shaq, a continent is not

a free breakfast.

[cheers and applause]

You know, a lot of people

don't know this.

"Shaquille" is an Arabic name

for "handsome,"

and "O'Neal" is the Irish word

for "just kidding."

Shaq's dick is so big,

he has to use Dropbox

to send a dick pic.

When I first met Hannibal,

I was like,

"You are going to be a star,"

and when I first met Kevin,

I was like,

"No, I don't want to buy

a candy bar

to support your local

after-school program."

Ludacris, not only

is your music great,

but I love all your movie.

Jeff Ross, it's great

to see you here

once a year at these roasts.

How's the Uber driving

going?

Chris D'Elia finally answers

the question,

"What if Dane Cook had half

the talent and a rich father?"

Sorry, let me just take a second

to explain to the black guys

on the dais what a father is.

All right.

I'm excited Snoop's here.

Snoop, you look

like Shaq's skeleton.

[cheers and applause]

All these rappers on stage,

and Martha Stewart has done

the most jail time.

[cheers and applause]

Now, that's not fair.

Justin Bieber, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Seems like only yesterday

you were discovered on YouTube.

Time flies when you're

a piece of sh*t.

No, Justin's fans

are called "Beliebers,"

because these days,

it's considered

politically incorrect

to use the term "retards."

Justin,

you've been on Ellen

more than a p*ssy juice

moustache.

Mine was better,

Ludacris.

Justin was born

to a teenage single mom.

No wonder he's got moves.

He was in the womb

dodging a coat hanger.

[crowd groans]

Justin, Selena Gomez

had to f*** you.

She is literally

the least lucky Selena

in all of entertainment

history.

No, Justin,

you're so successful.

You're so rich.

You're like our beetles.

Not the band, the bugs

that live in sh*t.

So...

Justin, I just want to tell you,

I think that you are

well on your way to becoming

a handsome, young gentleman,

and I really think that

things are gonna get better

after this for you,

and thank you for--

Thank you for letting me

be here and do this.

Thank you, Justin Bieber.

[cheers and applause]

(announcer)

Still to come...

- Oh!

(announcer) Shaquille O'Neal.

These hands are like

a junkie's back.

(announcer)

Martha Stewart.

I think she's got a few tricks

up her sleeve, right?

(announcer)

Snoop Dogg.

Stop yelling at me.

(announcer)

Hannibal Buress,

and Jeff Ross...

God's pissed at you.

Bill Cosby was

his favorite comedian.

[laughter]

(announcer)

When the Roast of Justin Bieber

continues.

[cheers and applause]

First of all, I can't bring out

our next roaster

without giving the attention

to Natasha Leggero

that she deserves.

Make some noise

for that Goddamn woman.

You killed.

Killed!

All right, our next roaster

is Shaquille O'Neal.

[applause]

Yeah, yeah.

He's an NBA legend

with a Doctorate of Education,

but you wouldn't know it

by the way that he pronounces

"Doctorate of Education."

Everybody,

let's get ready to mumble!

It's Shaquille O'Neal.

Thank you, Webster.

Kevin is the only celebrity

with a star

on the yellow brick road.

In case you didn't know,

I am Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaq Diesel...

[whooping]

Superman, Big Aristotle,

Big Cactus, Big Galactus,

and Martha Stewart's

baby daddy.

And trust me,

Martha know how to work

that motherf***er,

boy, let me tell you.

Once you go Shaq,

you never go back.

Ain't that right, Martha?

But I'm not the only

baller here tonight.

What's up, Snoop?

How you doing, baby?

Snoop made a reggae album.

If you're a rap fan,

you may not have it.

But if you're a reggae fan,

I know you don't

f***ing have it.

Look at all these scrubs

on the stage.

Chris D'Elia,

Hannibal, Natasha,

Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross--

I haven't seen a more

disappointing lineup

since the last Lakers game.

Speaking of the game,

my main man Chris Paul

from the Clippers is down there.

Hey, Chris,

way you guys playing, you ain't

gonna be getting a ring.

I got four of 'em

if you need to borrow one.

(crowd)

Oh!

You guys suck.

Jeff, how am I the one

who played 19 seasons

and you're the one

who looks like

you took 20 years of elbows

to the face?

You ugly motherf***er.

Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body

like a cafeteria lady.

Now, as many of you know,

I'm a police detective

in the city of Miami.

So, Justin, as a police

officer of the law,

I'm gonna give it

to you straight,

which I know will be

a new experience for you.

I got a questions, Justin.

What kind of b*tch

eggs his neighbor's house?

You caused $20,000 in damages.

Imagine the damage

you would have caused

if you threw like a boy.

What are you doing dropping

75 Gs in a Miami strip club?

I heard the DJ

play one of your songs,

and the dancers complained

their pussies were drying up.

Justin, as a father of six,

you gotta straighten up, son.

You know, last year

you were ranked

the fifth most hated person

of all time.

Kim Jong-Un didn't even

score that low.

And he uses your music

to f***ing torture people.

But thanks to that music,

Justin is worth

over $200 million...

and in prison,

four packs of Cools.

Justin got a tattoo

of Jesus on his calf.

Why you gotta bring Jesus

in your mess?

That man has suffered enough.

Seriously, Justin,

I love ya,

you're a platinum

recording artist.

Give it up.

[cheers and applause]

You're a model.

Give it up.

[cheering]

You're a sex symbol.

Give it up.

[cheering]

I just wanna say,

Justin Timberlake,

I f***ing love you.

Thank you.

[upbeat music]

Shaq's hilarious.

I'm gonna have

Shaq's baby

(announcer) Still to come

on the roast of Justin Bieber,

Martha Stewart...

Actually, this is sort of

like doing a roast turkey.

(announcer)

And Chris D'Elia.

Actually, I'm up next,

so if you're gonna

change the channel,

hurry up and do it.

(announcer)

When The Roast of Justin Bieber

continues.

[cheers and applause]

[techno music]

Our next roaster

is Chris D'Elia.

Holy sh*t, yeah.

I know everybody's

excited about this.

If you didn't know, he's a star

of the NBC show Undateable,

and Chris's standup

is actually unwatchable.

I've seen it.

It hurts.

He is Justin Bieber's

favorite comic,

which is why he has "duh"

in the middle of his name.

Please welcome future rapist

Chris "Duh" Elia.

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

No, seriously, keep it going

for the ghost of Chris Tucker,

everybody.

No, Kevin's a good guy,

and of course he's here,

because he can't say no

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