Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #5

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to anything.

Last week he hosted an ISIS

beheading video on Reddit.

What?

What the f***, man?

What the f***?

Hey, Shaq.

Shaq's here.

People don't realize this,

but Shaq,

those "I can't breathe"

T-shirts,

they were about Shaq's

last season with the Celtics.

Jeff Ross, hey.

How about the fact

that if there weren't roasts,

Jeff Ross would work

at IKEA?

We all do other things, which is

why we're on the roasts.

You're on the roasts because

you're on the f***ing roasts.

F*** yeah!

Ludacris, what do you do now

anyway, okay?

You were a rapper.

You make headphones

that no one listens with.

You make Hennessy

that no one drinks.

You're like a human

going out of business sale.

Snoop Dogg, what's up?

It's cool you're here.

You look like dead Splinter from

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Pete, it's really good

to see you.

50 Shades of Grey was based

on your complexion.

Pete--

[laughs]

Pete is the same race as

whatever the f*** The Rock is

and any parking attendant ever.

Justin Bieber,

the man here, huh?

Let's hear it.

[cheers and applause]

Why are you here?

This is a terrible idea.

You're about to get f***ed

harder than Orlando Bloom

f***ed Selena Gomez.

(audience)

Oh!

For a guy worth

$200 million,

why do you dress

like Sharon Stone in the '90s?

You look like Sisqo

f***ed Peter Pan

and then got cast

on Orange is the New Black.

Baby is the most hated video

online, like, statistically

if you check that sh*t out,

okay,

and there are also ISIS videos

online, okay?

That means that someone saw

a video with a guy screaming,

"Death to America" and sawing

someone's head off and thought,

"Nope, still not worse

than Bieber featuring Luda

in a bowling alley."

Thank you.

Thank you,

guy half my age.

[laughs]

Seriously, man,

I'm proud of you.

You have it all.

You literally are a guy

who has it all,

except for respect,

love, friends,

good parents,

and a Grammy.

Thank you.

[techno music]

[cheers and applause]

Chris D'Elia.

Goddamn it, Chris,

that was dark.

That was f***ing dark.

There was a couple times

where I grabbed my shirt

like, "Jesus Christ, Chris."

But we're here.

It's good though.

Justin said you were fine.

That's all that counts, right?

How am I supposed to laugh

after ISIS?

What the f***?

Our next roaster

is Martha Stewart.

Martha.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

At the age of 73,

she's the only white woman

with more street cred

than Luda and Snoop combined.

True story.

Please welcome

five-years-to-life-style guru,

Martha Stewart,

everybody.

[cheers and applause]

First of all,

thank you, Kevin Hart.

It's really great

to be here.

Oh, there you are.

Sitting and listening to you

yell your jokes

over the last hour is

the hardest time I've ever done.

As we all know, Kevin is

one of the biggest movie stars

in the business right now,

and he deserves it.

He struggled for years.

When he finally got

his first big paycheck,

he spent $150,000

on a watch.

I forget that term for that.

It's not

"African-American rich."

It'll come to me.

[cheers and applause]

Justin,

you know the word.

I know you're all wondering

why I'm here tonight.

It's because Martha Stewart

changes people's lives

for the better,

like Shaq for instance.

When Shaq bought his house--

Shaq, are you listening?

I was the first person

he called.

The house had 13 bedrooms,

and I helped convert 8 of them

into refrigerators.

I believe the bedroom

is the most important room

in the house, but I don't

have to tell you that, Ludacris.

You have three kids

with three different women.

May I suggest pulling out

sometime, and finishing

on some fine, highly absorbent

Martha Stewart bed linens?

[cheers and applause]

It's nice to see Snoop again.

One of the highest rated

episodes on my show,

Martha Stewart Living,

was when Snoop and I

made brownies together,

and I've used his recipe

ever since.

As a matter of fact,

I ate three of them

right before they called

and asked me to do this roast.

Snoop, I see that you've been

following my beauty regimen.

You would never know

that Snoop Dogg is 43 now,

which is three times as long

as actual dogs live

and twice as long

as most of his friends.

[laughs]

I taught Snoop

that the most important thing

in business

is diversification.

Besides his music career, Snoop

now has produced a porn movie,

and by the way, Natasha,

you were great in that,

so I guess that tonight's

the second time

you've worked

with five black guys.

You know...

I do a lot of gardening,

but you are without a doubt

the dirtiest, used up ho

I have ever seen.

Natasha, when a woman is

as sexually active as you are,

they have to take special care

of their body.

I've come up with a douche

that no one has ever heard of,

you know,

like Chris D'Elia.

And, Hannibal, all night,

I've been trying to remember

who you remind me of.

Then it hit me.

You look just like

that gingerbread man

I left in the oven too long.

Let's get to the reason

I'm here tonight,

which is to give Justin Bieber

some tips to use

when he inevitably

ends up in prison.

I've been in lockup,

and you wouldn't last a week,

so pay attention.

The first thing you'll need

is a shank.

I made mine

out of a pintail comb

and a pack of gum.

I'll show you how later.

It's so simple.

I found Bubblicious works best,

and it's so much fun to say.

You see,

when I did my stretch,

all the hood rats

on my cellblock

wanted to break off a piece

of Martha Stewart's ass,

so I decided some b*tch

needed to get got.

I walked

into the chow hall,

picked out

the biggest bull dyke,

and I stuck her.

From then on,

prison was easier than making

blueberry scones.

[cheers and applause]

And--[laughs]

And Shaq--

Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't

still hold a grudge.

Justin, before I go,

here's my final piece of advice.

You need to settle down,

bring some balance

into your life,

find yourself the right gal,

but she'll have to be someone

on your level,

someone powerful and famous

and rich,

someone you can smoke a joint

with or indulge

in the occasional three-way.

I'm talking about a "playa"

in the boardroom

and a freak in the bedroom.

So, Justin, my final piece

of advice is call me, or--

[cheers and applause]

Or not.

I'm out, b*tch.

[techno music]

[cheers and applause]

(announcer)

Still to come, Jeff Ross...

Killer.

The killer.

(announcer)

And Snoop Dogg.

I'm going bodyguard hard, man.

I ain't fixin'

to play no games, man.

(announcer)

When The Roast

of Justin Bieber continues.

[techno music]

All right.

Martha Stewart, Goddamn.

[cheers and applause]

Our next roaster

is Jeff Ross.

Now...

I actually gave Jeff a role

in my movie The Wedding Ringer,

and he doubled the budget

because he demanded

to be paid in cake.

Right now, I want everybody

to pull out a bucket of fish

for the roastmaster himself,

Jeff Ross, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

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