Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #6

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How cool is this?

Give it up for the Biebs,

doing great so far.

[cheers and applause]

Fantastic.

This is so fun.

I never roasted somebody

with a bedtime before.

I got to give you props,

asking us to roast you.

Ballsy move, dude,

especially since you haven't

put out an album

in three years.

Come on, Biebs, what are you

doing with your life?

If you listen closely,

you can hear the sound

of One Direction

f***ing your fans.

A lot of Beliebers

are upset

that Justin's

never won a Grammy.

Well, there's Martha Stewart.

She can be your Grammy.

Martha Stewart's here

because Paula Deen

refused to sit

with this many black folk.

What is this, the Comedy Central

March on Ferguson?

Martha, I want to f*** you

so bad.

I bet your pubic hair

is 50 shades of gray.

Martha went to prison

for dumping worthless stock

for idiot consumers to buy,

which reminds me,

Ludacris' new album

drops tomorrow.

But enough about Ludacris,

let's talk about "food-acris,"

Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaq.

[growls]

[growls]

Shaq.

[growls]

I like to talk to him

in his native tongue.

Shaq was the original

2 Chainz,

'cause that's how he was brought

into this country.

Shaq's dick is so big,

he uses it as a selfie stick.

Love you, Kev.

You're doing

a hell of a job

as the host tonight, man.

I really appreciate

how funny you are.

I really do.

[cheers and applause]

Kevin's a big star now,

but he doesn't need private jets

'cause he likes to be

shot out of a cannon.

Kev, we've been friends

a long time.

I want to congratulate you.

I hear your girlfriend recently

got down on one knee

so you could propose, and--

How do y'all make love,

puppy style?

Chris D'Elia's here.

Chris, how you doing, man?

Chris is here

because he's

Justin Bieber's

favorite comedian.

Wow, what an endorsement.

That's like being Shaq's

favorite poet.

[laughs]

Snoop, love you, buddy.

Love you, man, so much.

You look like a retired

WNBA player.

The only person that's inhaled

more smoke than Snoop

is Pete Davidson's dad

inside the World Trade Center.

Thanks, Pete.

I'm sorry, Shaq.

I know that was your favorite

building to climb.

Shaq, [growls]

Never forget.

[growls]

Oh, this is so much fun.

I gotta give a shout-out to

one of my favorite people ever,

Dave Chappelle over there.

What's up, dude?

Don't be scared.

Watching the roast.

Super big comedy fan,

my friend.

[loud cheering]

One of the greats.

Love you, buddy.

Thank you for flying in

from South Africa

to be with us tonight.

Justin, I feel like

I'm roasting you

for the entire world tonight.

The roast fans really

want blood this time,

even though

most of your fans

haven't even gotten

their periods yet.

But if you can take a joke,

then so can the Beliebers

watching tonight,

because face it, Biebs,

you've become

a cocky little sh*t.

You are the King Joffrey

of pop.

[cheers and applause]

What's your rap name,

Feminem?

Selena Gomez wanted to be here,

but she's dating men now.

Is it true you dumped her

because she grew a moustache

before you?

That's right, Selena Gomez

used to bang this guy,

proving once again

that Mexicans will do

the disgusting jobs

Americans just won't do.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S--

Now there are rumors

going around

you might have been dating

Kendall Jenner.

Hi, Kendall.

How you doing, doll?

You having fun?

That's good.

What dating site did you two

meet on, O-K Stupid?

Anyway, Biebs, you have

such a huge career behind you.

But lately, a lot of people

have been pointing

their fingers at you,

and those are just lesbians

showing the barber

how they want their hair cut.

Even when you went

to Anne Frank's house,

there were fans waiting

for you outside.

I wish they were

the same people

that were waiting

for Anne Frank.

Oh, come on!

You said Anne Frank

would've been a Bieblier.

If Anne Frank

heard your music,

she would've Ubered

to Auschwitz.

And, Biebs, we've all seen

your sexy underwear commercials,

and don't worry,

you're not the first youngster

to have Calvin Klein

wedged in your a**hole.

But you know what?

The best part

about taking Justin from behind

is that you can shave

half his head

and pretend

it's Miley Cyrus.

You like that one?

Justin's ass

is like a movie ticket,

'cause it was ripped apart

by an "usher."

[audience groans]

And as you sat here

taking it like a man tonight,

you were probably thinking

that none of us know

what we're talking about,

'cause you're gonna fly

out of here on a private jet

full of cash and models,

and we'll all be trying

to finger-bang Martha Stewart

at the afterparty.

And you know what, Biebs,

you're right.

You're young, you're talented,

you're famous,

and that can be

a lot of pressure,

but you're a smart man

with a good heart,

and I know

you'll never end up

like Kurt Cobain

or Amy Winehouse...

respected.

Happy birthday, buddy.

[techno music]

Good show, buddy.

(announcer)

Coming up...Snoop Dogg...

- Hannibal Buress.

- I hate everybody.

(announcer)

And Justin Bieber

when the Comedy Central Roast

of Justin Bieber continues.

[techno music]

[cheers and applause]

Are we having a good time

tonight? Yes?

[cheers and applause]

Our next roaster is Snoop.

Yeah, he's here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, Snoop used to

call himself the "D-O-double-G."

That's right, The Dogg.

Right, Snoop?

Back in the day, the reason why

he called himself The Dogg.

is because he was a dog

with the ladies.

It's true.

Now he's called The Dogg

because he sleeps all day

in a sun spot

on the living room floor.

Isn't that true?

That's true, Snoop.

Ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise

for Snoop Dogg right now.

[Snoop Dogg's Peaches 'N Cream]

That's that look

all on her face

Shorty dancing like she knows

She's the baddest in the place

Kevin, you look good

tonight, dog.

Some real sh*t, nephew.

You look real good.

I didn't know

the Muppets made

motherfucking clothes

for a n*gger though.

Yes, sir.

Now, look,

Kevin's from Philadelphia,

right, just like Bill Cosby.

And just like Bill Cosby,

women can't tell

when Kevin's inside of them.

[crowd groans]

Yeah.

I don't need no warm-up.

I've been smoking and drinking.

I feel real good about myself.

[cheers and applause]

Yes, sir.

Now, check this out, I done

a whole bunch of roasts, right,

but they never let a real player

on stage with me until tonight.

We got Ludacris

in the motherfucking house.

Luda.

Luda!

I love that song of yours

where you said,

If you a pimp and you know it

You don't love them hos

That sh*t was tight.

But you know who else said

that that was tight?

Me, 15 years

before you did it,

n*gger,

stop biting my sh*t.

But here's one of Ludacris'

original rhymes.

"There's hos in the room.

There's hos in the car.

There's hos on the stage.

There's hos by the bar."

N*gger, are you a rapper

or Dr. Seuss?

Now, this little bitty

fine little...

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