Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #7

---

Natasha Leggero.

Is that how you say it,

"Leg-gero"?

- No, but that's okay.

- Le-ghetto.

That's how we say it.

I seen how you was looking at me

though, right?

What I want to know is

have you ever sucked

a black dick before?

Hey, I'm going off script

right now.

I just really want to know.

Hey.

Hey, something

about this pimping, man.

You understand me?

When I'm pimping, man,

that sh*t just go

every direction.

But let me talk about my homeboy

right here, Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaq Daddy.

I always say that Shaq is

the greatest Laker of all time,

unless I'm chilling

with Kobe Bryant.

Ohhh!

Y'all got to excuse my little

retarded cousin right there.

Somebody get

his little helmet

and get that little yellow bus

around the side.

Hannibal Buress.

You the only Bill Cosby accuser

making money off of it.

Now, Jeff Ross,

check this out, Jeff.

Now, see, Jeff is what you call

a throwback,

because his face looks

like something

that you could have

a hook in it.

That's right,

that's a fishing joke.

I fish, motherf***er.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, dog!

Now that I've done said

what I needed to say

about all the rest of these hos

and b*tches up on the stage,

it's time to talk

about the b*tch of the hour,

Justin "Leave it to" Bieber.

[cheers and applause]

Justin's life changed when Usher

heard one of his songs

and liked it,

which only goes to prove

that Usher ain't black.

Now, Justin, you released

so many horrible

and unwatchable videos,

you should change your name

to Vanilla ISIS.

[crowd groans]

No, no, no.

Real sh*t though.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Real sh*t.

This is my n*gger

right here, n*gger.

Hold on, n*gger,

this my n*gger.

N*gger, this my n*gger.

N*gger,

you had your shot, n*gger.

This is my n*gger

right here, n*gger.

N*gger.

Goddamn, n*gger, n*gger,

n*gger, n*gger, n*gger.

Now, most n*ggers,

like myself,

we go a little crazy

when we get famous.

Buy some dope cars,

f*** some bad b*tches,

but, n*gger,

you bought a monkey.

I mean, that monkey

was more embarrassed

than the one that started

the AIDS epidemic.

Now, when J-Bird

got arrested,

he had a big smile

in his mug shot.

Not because he gangster, because

he knows what goes on in jail.

Now, Justin,

you so motherfucking pretty,

when the inmates

saw your mug shot,

they swiped right.

Let me say this

to you, J.B.

Justin Bieber, D-M-B,

"damn near black."

Now see, black people, we

normally hate when white people

try to steal our culture

and be like us,

minus the discrimination,

police brutality,

and the marching and sh*t.

That was until Justin Bieber

came along.

We don't mind him

smoking weed in public

while sagging in the club,

pissing in the mop bucket,

drunk driving,

living in a mansion

while playing loud music

and hating the neighbors

for not welcoming change.

Welcome to the family,

my n*gger.

[cheers and applause]

She 'bout to go in

She likes that low end

Damn, her ass is so big

That was Snoop Dogg,

everybody.

I just want to--You know, I just

want to take a second right now

to speak on behalf

of all the black people.

I don't--I don't know

how many n*ggers

we were allowed to say

in this show,

but I think--I definitely

think Snoop used them all.

Like, we're done.

Like, we're done.

Like, dude, we had, like, ten.

They gave us ten.

You used them all,

and then you blamed us.

You was like, "Yo, they got us

drinking and smoking."

No, we don't.

That's you.

It's just you.

You.

You did that.

Don't do that to us.

I want Snoop removed.

Like, if this was the block,

I would snitch.

It was him.

He did it.

He said we all doing drugs.

We drinking and smoking

back there.

No, we're not.

It's just you!

F*** you.

F*** you, Snoop.

I didn't do nothing.

You tried to ruin me tonight,

you son of a b*tch.

You tried to--You tried to make

it a group black thing.

That's what you tried to do.

"All us n*ggers

up here."

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

[techno music]

She's worried

about her lipstick.

- Let me--

- Shut up.

- Let me check it out for her.

- [laughing]

(announcer)

Still to come:
Justin Bieber,

and Hannibal Buress.

You're getting it.

Brrr!

(announcer)

When the Comedy Central Roast

of Justin Bieber continues.

This is something

that I really enjoy,

and I want to be

invited back.

I love the roasts.

- Yeah!

[techno music]

Hannibal Buress is up next,

ladies and gentlemen.

I'm a fan.

I love Hannibal.

I really do.

We know why he's here,

okay,

'cause he's not happy just

destroying my childhood hero.

That's not--that doesn't

make him feel good enough.

No, no, no.

He's here to destroy my

daughter's childhood hero

as well.

I want you guys to please

welcome the man who's so slow

and drowsy that you think that

Bill Cosby drugged him.

I'm talking about Hannibal

Buress, ladies and gentlemen.

Hannibal Buress.

[hip-hop music]

What's up?

Hello.

Kevin Hart, everybody.

Kevin Hart.

Congrats on all your success,

Kevin.

I'm sure it's gonna last

forever.

It's amazing to have Kevin Hart

and Shaq here.

Is this a roast or is this Tyler

Perry's Of Mice and Men?

Shaq's a very unique player

in NBA history.

He's the first player in NBA

history to have his shoe size,

IQ, and jersey all be

the same number.

Shaq is a police officer

in Florida.

If you want to escape from Shaq,

just jog slowly away from him

'cause that's--

And he'll fall eventually.

Snoop is here.

Snoop Dogg.

Snoop D-O-double-G.

Snoop is like a cool-ass

salamander.

Snoop's like a rejected

Mortal Kombat boss.

"Now you have to fight

fake Crip."

Snoop is good at social media,

but he's bad at music now.

Snoop, the only way you'll get

another hit is if you stand

behind Suge Knight's car

in a parking lot.

Chris--I don't know if

you know this about Chris.

He doesn't smoke weed.

He doesn't drink.

He's never done any drugs.

His only vice is performing

horrible standup comedy

all around the country.

Speaking of horrible comics,

Jeff Ross is here.

Jeff Ross.

Jeff, you look horrible.

Jeff looks like a combination of

every "before" picture ever.

Jeff only does roasts.

Congratulations on being the

only person on this stage

that's making 95%

of your yearly income today.

It's good to see Comedy Central

diversifying its talent

with whatever race

Pete Davidson is.

You just look real--

You're just real vague, man.

You have a weird, vague-ass

face, and I don't like it.

I don't like

your face at all, man.

You seem like a nice person,

but when I talk to you,

I don't have fun.

Pete.

Pete has got a lot going on.

Pete, I don't know how you can

juggle SNL, standup,

and Lorne Michaels' balls

in your mouth

all at the same time.

An amazing multi-tasker

Pete Davidson is.

Natasha Leggero is here

which means that right now

there's a bachelor party

discovering

that their cake is empty.

I'm not saying that

Natasha's a whore,

but I'm saying that Shaq can fit

both feet in her p*ssy.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes