Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #8

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And now the man of the hour.

Justin Bieber,

you dainty wigger, you.

Justin Bieber.

They say that you roast

the ones you love, but I don't

like you at all, man.

I'm just here 'cause this is

a real good opportunity for me.

Justin, oh, you gotta

give it up for Justin.

He started from the bottom,

and he's still a bottom.

I don't like your music, man.

I'm not a big fan of it.

I listened to some of it.

I'm not a fan.

I don't like your music.

I think it's bad.

I think it's bad, man.

I don't like it.

I hate your music, man.

I hate your music more than

Bill Cosby hates my comedy.

Yo, Justin, man.

Well, this has been cool,

and despite

all those foul things I said,

you seem like

a sharp businessman,

and, uh...

this is real cool

that you did this

and let all these strangers

sh*t on you

in front of all these

people,

and I actually like

that song Confident.

That's a good song.

I like that song.

So thanks for letting me do it,

and congratulations, man.

All right, later, y'all.

Hannibal just killed me.

(announcer)

Up next,...

Ahh!

Catch me, Kevin!

(announcer)

Justin Bieber gets revenge...

Let's do this.

- Everybody in here?

- I'm not in it.

[techno music]

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would give an introduction,

but I don't need to.

Ron Burgundy.

[cheers and applause]

Listen, people.

Listen, listen.

I don't have a lot of time,

all right?

I don't have a lot of time.

I'm currently over at

stage 24

hosting Spike TV's

"Your Mother's a Fat B*tch"

awards show.

Some real clever writing,

great energy over there.

Boy, have we got a great gang of

talented comics here tonight.

We've got Tom Dreesen,

Willie Tyler, and Lester.

I didn't realize Lester

was a live human being.

Gary Mule Deer,

Fannie Flagg,

top notch.

Star-studded evening.

Listen, I'm just gonna cut

to the chase.

Justin Biber--Justin Bieber,

you've been taking it

on the chin tonight.

You really have.

In fact, absolutely abused,

and I'm just here

to say one thing.

You people don't know what

the hell you're talking about.

As far as I'm concerned,

this guy is doing it right.

Here's a couple things I know.

September 1st, 2014, Bieber

arrested for a collision with

a minivan in his hometown

of Stratford, Ontario, Canada,

and then beat up

the occupant of the minivan.

Nice work!

October 18th, 2010,

Bieber accused of assaulting

a 12-year-old

at a laser tag arena.

Kaboom!

I only wish the kid was

a nine-year-old.

March 28th, 2013,

Bieber flies into Munich

with his pet monkey, Mally,

doesn't have the proper

paperwork,

so he leaves it at a zoo

in Germany.

It's a monkey.

It's named Mally.

Don't think twice--

you leave it at a German zoo.

March 4th, 2013, two hours late

to a concert in Dubai

because he refused to stop

playing a video game.

Say what?

Hocked a loogie

at his neighbor

after the guy complained that

Bieber was driving 100 mph

in his gated community

neighborhood.

Eat that, b*tch!

July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees

in a restaurant mop bucket.

As he runs off, he sprays

a photograph of Bill Clinton

with a bottle of blue liquid

and yells,

"F*** Bill Clinton!"

There's not a person in

this room who hasn't done that,

you hypocritical a**holes.

This kid has spunk,

moxie,

and probably

a few other STDs, okay?

I've always encouraged people

to stay classy,

and what's more classy

than hanging out

with Floyd Mayweather?

Would I love to see Biebs

spending time

with Oscar Pistorius?

Of course I would,

but that day will come.

People refer to

Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy,

but here's a newsflash, gang.

He's a man,

a full-grown man

who works and loves

and makes things

with his hands,

a man who sings songs

for nine-year-olds

and cuts his hair

like a gay figure skater.

This guy just continues

to impress.

Is there anything

he can't do?

In fact,

I pulled my pants down

and took a big, creamy sh*t

in the green room

because I thought to myself,

"That's how the Biebs

would do it.

Again and again

and again."

If anything,

Justin Bieber,

not only do you need

to continue to live your life

with the same

reckless abandon,

I suggest you

turn up the heat.

Oh, and one last thing,

if you're watching

from your monkey cage

in Germany...

Go to bed, Mally.

Good night.

[pop music]

(announcer)

Up next:
Justin Bieber.

There he is!

Justin Bieber.

That's the guy

you want.

Wow.

You know what?

Right now it's finally time

to bring up

the boy of the hour.

You, Justin Bieber,

it's time, man.

Here's what I want to say.

At 21, he's already the most

famous living celebrity

in the world.

It's true.

He has over 60 million followers

on Twitter.

He's at 40 million on Grindr.

It's true.

It's true.

It's weird, but it's true.

They love you, Justin.

He's a platinum-selling

recording artist, okay?

Justin Bieber has

the voice of an angel,

and he has the haircut and

tattoos of a lesbian butcher.

This sh*t is bad.

It's bad.

I don't like it, but I love him,

so I can't tell him.

You guys do it.

Write a letter.

It's f***ed up.

It's f***ed up, man.

Him and Snoop are in

the same position.

Nobody wants to say anything.

Look at Snoop's look.

It's like a teenage boy

in high school, but he grew up,

but he didn't graduate,

but he's in college.

What the f***

are you doing?

Why does Snoop have on Chucks?

It makes me so mad.

I hate it.

I hate it.

What the f***

are you doing?

Let it go.

Your kids are in college.

What 70-year-old n*gger

is doing this?

I hate it.

Justin, that's where

you're headed.

It's right in front

of your face.

Look at old success.

Shaq has on a tie

with glitter,

and what the f***

are you doing?

Like, I don't even know

what it is.

- Diamonds.

- Shaq, it's not diamonds.

It's graffiti.

You're stupid.

I hate it.

I hate my people, man.

I really do.

You know, I would say something

about you, Jeff,

but this is all you got.

I don't want to f*** this

up for you.

Every year you're back here.

This is it.

You're you, okay?

That's what you say to people

that you know not gonna make it.

You're you.

Right now, you know what?

It's about the guy

that we came to roast tonight,

and I can be honored to say

I'm a f***ing fan.

Not only am I a fan,

I'm a friend.

I'm glad to be here tonight,

Justin, and I think

everybody else up here tonight

can say the same thing.

With that being said,

please make some noise

and welcome Justin Bieber,

ladies and gentlemen.

- I need somebody to love

Do-do-do

Oh, I don't need too much

Just somebody to love

Somebody to love

I don't need nothing else

I promise, girl, I swear

I just need somebody to love

Damn, you guys were brutal.

Goodness gracious.

This was supposed to be

a birthday present.

When I tell people what I got

for my 21st birthday,

I get to tell them

that I got my dick kicked in.

I know I've been

driving recklessly,

getting arrested,

smoking weed,

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