Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #9

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abandoning monkeys,

and urinating publicly,

but my biggest regret

is plowing my Maserati

into Jeff Ross's Saturn

in the parking lot, man.

And, Jeff,

I feel really bad

because I don't know

where you're gonna sleep

tonight, man.

Look, I'm new to comedy,

but here's a joke, all right?

What do you get when you give

a teenager $200 million?

A bunch of has-beens calling you

a lesbian for two hours.

[laughter and applause]

All right, all right.

I'm playing.

You guys were all

really funny tonight.

When we were looking

for a roastmaster,

we called Jamie Foxx,

Chris Rock,

and they both

couldn't do it.

Then I had a great idea.

Let's call Kevin Hart

and see if he has

Dave Chappelle's number.

No, I have hu--

[inaudible]

- [indistinct]

- He didn't have it.

He didn't have it.

(Justin)

Kevin, you were awesome tonight.

I have huge respect

for Kevin Hart.

Kevin loves seeing himself

on the big screen.

And for him that's an iPad mini.

Sorry.

Kevin is so short,

he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne."

I love Kevin Hart's

career plan.

Do everything Martin Lawrence

did, only shittier.

And, Martha,

thanks for coming.

I know that's probably something

you don't do much of anymore.

Ah, Natasha Leggero,

this is my first time

seeing you perform.

You were really great

even though you didn't shoot out

a single ping pong ball

like Snoop promised.

And, Jeff Ross,

thanks for being here, man.

Jeff, you look like

the emoji you send

when you want to tell someone

you have food poisoning.

Oh.

Chris D'Elia is

my favorite comedian,

and I'm lucky to call him

a friend.

Chris actually

brought me on stage

at one of his shows,

and it was really cool.

It was the first time

I got to see what it was like

to perform for eight people

staring at their phones.

I'm a huge fan

of Chris D'Elia.

Chris gets a ton of girls.

You want to know why?

'Cause I'm a big fan

of Chris D'Elia.

That's right.

That's what I get.

Love you.

Luda, what's up, man?

I knew you would show up

for me tonight.

I feel like I've known you

my whole life,

but that's just because

you look like

the Mr. Potato Head

I had as a kid.

- Luda and I had--

- [laughing]

That's good.

That's good.

Luda and I had a lot of hours

making the song Baby together.

In fact, he told me

it was the only baby

he ever made on purpose.

Of course I had to have

one of my favorite people

in the world here tonight,

Shaquille O'Neal.

Thanks for coming, man.

I love you, dude,

but how in 19 seasons

have you only made

one three-pointer?

I've hit more pedestrians

with my car.

And Hannibal Buress, thank you

so much for being here.

I don't really know much

about you,

but from what

I've been hearing,

I hope you don't know much

about me either.

Snoop Doggie Dogg,

what's up, man?

He's way too shy to admit this,

but he was actually

the Billboard top male artist

the year I was born.

And look at you now, Snoop.

You're one of

the ten dudes at my roast

sitting right next to

Martha Stewart

and that Hannibal guy.

How cool is this?

So cool.

You made it.

I'm proud of you, man.

I'm proud of you.

Before I go, I want to thank

everyone for tonight.

This roast was

a dream of mine.

I especially want to thank

all my fans, the dais,

and everyone

watching at home.

I turned a lot of people off

over the past few years,

but I know I can still

turn out good music

and turn everything all around.

You have my word.

I will not end up broken,

pathetic, bitter,

or sitting on the dais

of somebody else's roast.

No, but seriously.

Really, let's get serious

for a second.

There was really no preparing me

for this life.

I was thrown into this

at 12 years old,

and I didn't really know what

I was getting myself into.

There's been moments

I'm really proud of,

and a lot of moments

I look back

and I'm pretty disappointed

in myself for,

but the things that I've done

really don't define who I am.

I'm a kindhearted person

who loves people,

and through it all I lost

some of my best qualities.

For that, I'm sorry.

But what I can say is I'm

looking forward to being someone

that you guys can all look at

and be proud of,

someone you can smile at

and see some of yourself in.

Someone close to me

once said,

"It's how you rise

from a fall

that truly defines you

as a man."

I'm excited

for that challenge,

and I want to say

thank you so much

for taking this journey

with me,

and I'm excited for you

to see what's next.

Thank you, God,

for your grace

and for never

giving up on me.

[cheers and applause]

But one more thing.

One more thing before I go.

There's someone in my life who

I owe a special apology to.

I'm talking about someone

who I really loved

and lost because

I screwed it all up,

but thankfully

that special someone,

the love of my life,

is here tonight.

I just want that second chance,

so if you could come on out.

This is your monkey.

I missed you, buddy.

Want to go to the zoo?

I'm just kidding.

Thank you so much

and good night.

You did good, man.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

Incredible f***ing show.

[techno music]

It takes a lot of balls

to do that.

I wouldn't be able

to do that.

Happy to do it.

Great, dude.

It really was.

- It was really great.

- That's my guy, right?

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