Comedy Central Roast of James Franco

---

1

(film projector clicking)

(instrumental music playing)

I say James, y'all say

Franco, James Franco

James Franco, I say James,

y'all say Franco

James Franco, James Franco

I say James,

y'all say Franco

James Franco, James Franco

James Franco, James Franco

Money in the bank, bro,

eh, James Franco

Franco, Franco

mr. James Franco

Franco, Franco

I say James,

y'all say Franco

James Franco, James Franco

I say James,

y'all say Franco

James Franco, James Franco

yo, Franco, fra-fra-Franco

Franco, James Franco

Franco, fra-fra-Franco

Franco, Franco, Franco

Franco, fra-fra-Franco.

This is "the comedy central

roast of James Franco."

This whole crowd is high,

James Franco.

And now please welcome

your roastmaster Seth Rogen.

(applause, cheers)

Hello! Hi, guys.

My name is Seth Rogen.

Welcome to "the comedy central"

roast of James Franco."

Why, uh...

why are we here?

Why are we doing this?

I don't know. How high was I

when I said I would do this?

It's crazy. Is this punishment

for "the guilt trip"?

Is that what this is?

I'm just glad I'm not alone up here.

I got Nick Kroll,

Jonah Hill, Sarah Silverman,

Andy Samberg... Jeff.

This dais is literally hitler's

wet dream though, in all honesty.

It's got jews, gays

and whatever Aziz is.

This is so f***ed up

to do with you guys here.

This is so mean.

I really like

these people. Uh...

anyway, I'll start with the

jewiest and work my way down:

Sarah Silverman is here.

Sarah and I actually worked together

on the film "take this waltz,"

which she was great in. She actually

did full-frontal nudity in the movie,

which was fantastic.

It was amazing.

I always thought

she was very liberal,

but it turns out she's actually

a giant bush supporter.

Huge!

Aziz Ansari is here.

Yes.

This is actually the longest

Aziz has ever heard me talk

without checking to see if someone

more famous has texted him.

I wanna make fun of you for

being friends with kanye west.

But truthfully, it's the only cool thing

there is about you, so I can't do that.

Jonah Hill is here.

A lot of people compare,

uh, Jonah to a young belushl...

jim belushi.

Jonah's actually started

to move away from comedy.

It happens five minutes

into his movie "the sitter."

Andy Samberg is here.

Andy plays a cop

on his new fox show.

His first case will be investigating

the disappearance of his new fox show.

A lot of people are

live-tweeting the show tonight.

Speaking of 140 characters no one gives

a sh*t about, bill hader is here.

Bill's a great impressionist. Right

now he's doing an impression

of a guy who really regrets

leaving s.n.l.

Nick Kroll is here.

Yes!

Nick Kroll is the scary jewish

face mel gibson runs from

in his dreams every night.

"Ahhhh!" Yeah.

"Gimme your pennies."

Let's start talking about someone people

actually give a sh*t about: James Franco.

You know, who is

the real James Franco?

Is he an artist?

Is he an actor?

Is he a scholar?

He's tough to pin down,

although I've heard many guys

have been able to do it.

Let's take a look

at the career of James Franco.

- I got a lot of plans.

- Okay, what will you be doing?

- Plenty.

- He is a director, an author...

- painter, pilot...

- A soaking-wet gucci spokesman...

- a student...

- And an artist.

Good morning, everyone.

This is my f***ing dream,

y'all. Make it come true.

Rub your wrist against my belt buckle.

Yeah, let me save you!

What do you think,

I want to be terrible at school?

I actually did fall

asleep in class.

Who doesn't

f***ing fall asleep in class?

What are you doing?

Are you reading my books?

- Oh.

- Stop it! Stop learning for one second!

- Okay.

- James Franco.

This guy ain't so bad.

God, I've missed you so!

James Franco didn't suck

any dick last night.

Now I know y'all are tripping.

- I...

- All right!

- Wanna be...

- Look at me.

- Just like...

- Cool, man!

- James Franco...

- Eff you.

- Eff me? Eff you.

- Eff you!

- Eff you, man.

- Eff you, mother-effer.

- Brass monkey...

- Gimme some love.

That funky monkey,

brass monkey

I'm just marking my territory.

- That funky monkey...

- The artist known as Franco

won't mind that you trashed

his masterpiece.

Your mama's p*ssy was the canvas,

your dad's dick was the paintbrush.

Boom, you're the art!

Thanks, James Franco.

Why don't we do a sequel

to "pineapple express"?

You guys want to buy some chronic?

Smell it!

Like god's vagina.

I'm gonna pop some tags

Only got $20 in my pocket

This is f***ing awesome...

we do it gangsta! Gangsta!

I'm from a different

planet, y'all!

And I just transported y'all

out to f***ing space, y'all!

Damn,

that's a cold-ass honky.

Would you ever consider

hosting the oscars?

- I did that.

- So would you ever consider

hosting it, properly?

I'm the actor

James Franco, damn it!

And I'm in love with

a japanese body pillow!

I've been looking

in a new direction...

- Avenge me!

- No!

I wanna laugh

and I wanna cry

I wanna spit

but my mouth's too dry

I wanna run but I'm scared

'cause my legs don't go...

Ow, help!

Help! Help!

Help!

The first guy that I ever sold

to that I became friends with.

B.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.

Best f***ing friends

forever, man.

- In a new direction.

- Boom. It's over.

All right.

Every man wants to be him

and he wants to be in every man.

The prettiest boy I know...

James Franco!

Where... where is James Franco?

- Come on.

- Ready three... take three.

Okay, I gotta go.

You take over.

Franco? What the f***

is he doing back there?

All right, spidey-pose!

Genius!

Mr. Franco, I'm so sorry

my paper's late.

- Oh, late? "F"!

- Love it.

Beautiful. Yes, yes!

And... that's our cover.

- Congratulations, doctor.

- All right, thank you, thank you.

Okay.

"James Franco documentary,"

scene 1-apple, take one.

Hit it, all right.

Here we go.

Hi, James.

All right!

Welcome James Franco, everybody!

I'm a little surprised he

showed up, to be totally honest.

Why are we here, James?

I don't f...

can you tell us why

the f*** we're here?

- No f***ing idea, bud.

- I know why I'm here.

'Cause whenever you do something without

me, it sucks. That's why I'm here.

We're here tonight

so James can live out

one of his unfulfilled

sexual fantasies:

To have a room full of his

friends sh*t all over him.

Franco, you look like you're asleep.

Did you just read a James Franco book?

He's had a great career.

Judd apatow

gave both me and him our start

on the show "freaks and geeks."

Uh... yeah.

It's true. Judd was actually

gonna direct this roast,

but comedy central didn't want

it to be 40 minutes too long.

James became famous

for playing James dean,

which makes sense 'cause they both sucked

some d*cks and made three good movies.

You asked us to do this, man.

I don't know why.

To prepare for his role

in "127 hours,"

he told me he spent five days

with his arm inside the rock...

actually he goes by Dwayne johnson now.

I keep forgetting that.

Rate this script:3.0 / 2 votes