Comedy Central Roast of James Franco Page #2

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He's the last guy I should

be making jokes about.

He'll literally f***ing kill me.

Look at me doing all the talkin'

while you sit there doing nothing.

I feel like I'm co-hosting

the oscars with you.

Say what you will

about James's awful

and borderline contemptuous

performance at the oscars...

in this world there can

only be one James Franco,

'cause if there were

two James Francos,

they'd never stop

buttfucking each other.

How 'bout we bring out

our first roaster, huh?

There we go.

You probably know him

from his small roles in movies like "date

night" and "get him to the greek,"

and his starring roles

in no movies ever.

Please welcome Nick Kroll.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for Seth Rogen.

Let him hear it.

God, Seth Rogen is so jewish...

how jewish is he?

Seth Rogen is

so f***ing jewish...

anyway, I'm excited

to be here tonight.

Seth, you're doing

a really good job up there.

It's not an easy job. Now many

of you might not know this,

but Seth Rogen has a writing and

directing partner named evan goldberg.

What does this other guy look like

that you're the face of the operation?

I assume he's like

a sweaty orthodox jew

eating a pastrami sandwich:

"Hey, Sethy,"

yeah, I added nine

dick jokes on page four.

And I was thinking that the guys are

friends and then they're not friends

and then at the end of the movie

they're friends again.

"And also they should smoke

a lot of ganja, Sethy."

We got a lot of jews

on stage here tonight.

You know, people say

that jews control the media.

And we do. And you know why?

'Cause we're really good at it.

I've never heard anyone say, "why are

all those black dudes in the n.b. A?"

Because they're better

at dunking, just like jews

are better at whatever joke

my jew writers come up with.

Lisa lampanelli's here!

(Scattered cheers)

Oh, I'm sorry,

that's Jeff ross.

Andy Samberg is here!

Or as I like to call him:

Better-looking more-successful me.

Jonah Hill. You know, a lot

of people are gonna touch

on your weight tonight, Jonah, but not

enough people are gonna talk about

what an a**hole you've become.

But we're here tonight

to celebrate James Franco,

the man who made

this whole evening possible.

James always has that look of,

"oh man, how did this perfect

amount of facial hair"

end up on my face?

You know, I'm from palo alto,

from california,

"yet no one questions why I talk

like I'm from 1940s brooklyn."

James Franco is truly

our generation's James dean.

James dean of course

died at the tender age of 24,

sparing himself

the embarrassment

of getting roasted by a bunch

of jealous jew monsters.

James, honestly, what happened

with you and anne hathaway?

Did you bone her out?

You know what?

You're a gentleman,

you don't have to answer that.

Just squint once if yes.

Quick reminder that

if at any point tonight

James fully opens his eyes, there

will be six more weeks of summer.

But in all seriousness, James,

I admire your work ethic.

I think you're... (mumbles)

I'm just here to get

slightly more famous.

And remember,

if anyone here bombs tonight,

it's just 'cause they're doing an

impression of James Franco at the oscars.

Thank you, guys. Enjoy the

rest of your night. That's it.

All right, I have to admit

I'm a little jealous

of our next roaster.

He's gotten to work with guys

like quentin tarantino,

martin scorsese, brad pitt.

And I'm stuck doing movies

with self-important a**holes

like Jonah Hill.

Please welcome Jonah Hill.

(applause)

Hi, guys, James.

How's it going?

It's really great to be here

for my buddy James.

I just don't know why

they would choose me, though,

because there's

nothing really anyone

can make fun of me for.

I guess,

these guys are gonna

make fun of me for something.

So I just think

I'm just gonna be nice

and say what I like about them

because I really love

all these people up here.

Um, you know, like bill hader,

good friend of mine.

- (applause)

- Right?

He was brilliant on s.n.l.

He was brilliant.

And when he left the show

this year,

every single person was like

"what are you doing?

You're never ever

gonna work again like ever!"

And what does my man bill do?

Boom!

He goes ahead and books himself

a t-mobile commercial.

(laughter, applause)

Who's laughing now,

lorne michaels?

My man bill is.

I mean, this guy's

cashing checks

from the fourth largest

mobile provider in the nation.

(laughs)

And look... no, look,

I respect bill because sprint

was coming after him hard.

But he just held out for that

f*** you t-mobile money.

Bill's awesome. (Chuckles)

I love you, bill.

Andy Samberg is

another friend of mine.

I love him. And now that

he's got his new tv show,

"brooklyn nine-nine," which I'm

assuming is about this brooklyn cop

who tried to make it

in the movie business,

but failed and got

sent back to tv.

- Yeah.

- My only question is,

Andy, when the show gets

canceled after five episodes,

are you gonna do a different

cellphone commercial

or are they gonna turn bill's

into a two-hander

for both of you guys?

Andy's awesome.

Sarah Silverman, so amazing,

so beautiful.

I think you're gorgeous.

And I think it's crazy

because everyone's like

"she's hot for a comic."

But I don't agree because

she's not just hot for a comic.

She's hot for someone her age.

That's right.

Seriously, Sarah, you were

my favorite comic as a kid.

- (mouths)

- (Laughter)

Sarah is a role model

for every little girl out there.

I mean every little girl dreams

of being a 58-year old,

single, stand-up comedian

with no romantic prospects

on the horizon.

They all dream of it,

but Sarah did it.

I'm living it.

And people say

it's too late for Sarah

to become successful

in movies at her age.

I, again, do not agree.

It's not impossible.

I mean, it's not like they're

asking you to bear children

or anything like that...

(laughter)

'Cause you can't do that.

(laughter)

Nope.

And then there's Jeff ross

who's gonna f***ing

kill me later.

So I figured I should

go pretty hard.

Bring it. Bring it. Bring it.

I never gave you

this compliment before,

but you're actually the reason

I decided to become successful.

I saw what you became

and it scared

the living sh*t out of me.

Jeff, you're like the ghost

of me and Seth's future

if we never made it.

You know, Jeff, I actually

have a question for you.

When you meet someone,

do you just straight up

lie to them

and say, "yeah,

I'm in show business"

or are you honest?

'Cause I imagine

it would be easier

just to say like

"yeah, I'm unemployed,"

instead of having

to struggle and explain

like, "yeah,

I'm on tv once a year."

It's like this thing

where famous people come in

and I'm part of it, kind of.

Like I make fun of them,

but then they leave

and go on to their careers

"and I just kind of stay

and clean everything up."

But seriously, guys, can you

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