Comedy Central Roast of James Franco Page #3

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please pick up after yourselves?

It's gonna make Jeff's life

a lot easier.

Thank you.

Jeff's awesome, you guys.

(chuckles)

Aziz, natasha, Nick Kroll,

I'm assuming you guys

are James's friends

from high school.

But I think that is so dope

that you guys are willing

to get up here

even though no one knows

who the f*** you guys are.

Okay, that was a joke.

I know who you guys are.

But, genuinely,

Aziz hates this joke

because all Aziz wants

is to be famous.

I mean, he's famous

in like silver lake.

But who gives a sh*t, right?

(laughter)

Nick and natasha, how much

does it bum you guys out

that even being associated

with you two

is literally killing

Aziz right now.

That's f***ed up.

Can we talk about

my buddy Seth Rogen?

Come on. - (Applause)

I adore this guy.

I f***ing adore this guy.

He's a great writer,

a great friend.

And we can't talk about Seth

without talking about

"the green hornet."

We just can't, right?

Because every person

in the world is like

"'the green hornet'

lost so much money."

But that's not true.

It didn't lose that much money.

I mean every single person

in the world

f***ing hated it,

but it didn't lose

that much money.

And that's the goal

after all, right?

To make terrible movies that

don't lose that much money.

(applause, laughter)

Seth's f***ing awesome. Um...

now, James, the main course.

The feast de resistance.

James loves education.

He's always going to school.

Did you know that

he even went to yale?

Okay, look,

I know what you're thinking.

And it's not true.

He got into yale just

like everybody else.

He got really, really famous

and just kind of asked

a person from yale

if he could go there,

just like everybody else.

And everyone is gonna

make fun of James

for the oscars. It's obvious.

Everyone was saying,

"James was dead up there."

But I think that was

anne hathaway's fault.

I mean, f*** her for trying,

like at all.

How dare she

attempt in some way

to entertain

the millions of people

trying to escape their

lives for a few hours.

I commend you, James.

You know, you always hear

george clooney and other

big movie stars saying

"my philosophy

on making movies is

one for them and one for me."

But not my guy James.

Not my boy James!

James is a rebel.

He has his own

philosophy on this.

"One for them,

five for nobody."

(chuckling) okay.

All jokes aside,

James, you are

the weirdest f***ing person

anyone has ever met

in their entire life.

I've known you for 10 years

and I'm still pretty sure

I've never met you before.

But for some reason, I f***ing,

I love you, dude, so...

our next roaster was 29

on "maxim"'s hot 100

in the year 2007.

Please welcome Sarah Silverman.

Thank you. So how about a hand

for our host for tonight,

Seth Rogen?

Isn't he round?

I can't tell

if this is the dais

or the line to suck

judd apatow's balls.

It's so jewy.

What is this, "the comedy

central audit of James Franco"?

I saw the movie

"the guilt trip."

Seth, what was it like working

with barbra streisand?

And how did you two

tell each other apart?

Like, did one of you

wear a carnation or...

was it something like that?

Seth's parents...

uh, Seth's parents

actually met at a kibbutz.

If you don't know

what a kibbutz is,

it's a community in israel

where apparently

they don't allow abortions.

Right before the show started

Seth rolled a gigantic fatty,

because that was the only way

we could get Jonah Hill

onto the stage.

James, I loved

"spring breakers."

"Spring breaker"

is actually the Nickname

we gave Jeff ross

when he sits on a bed.

James recently won

the ally award

for his support

of the I.g.b.t. Community.

It's a prestigious award

that is given anally...

annually! It's given annually.

Jonah Hill is here.

I love Jonah.

Jonah is such a jewy dick,

you have to watch his movies

through a hole in a sheet.

Jonah actually gained

50 lbs for his role

in the new martin scorsese film,

because the producers wanted the

character to be a "Jonah Hill type."

But he slimmed down

a lot last year.

But what Jonah lost in weight,

he gained in weight.

Jonah, on a scale

from one to 10,

do you own a scale?

But seriously, you have had

such a body transformation

in the past couple of years.

You have come a long way

from just being

sonny and cher's daughter.

It's done?

Hi, bill hader.

I hate making fun of bill.

He's so sweet and gentle

and I used to date his brother,

jew hater. But...

natasha leggero, everybody.

I love natasha so much.

This is natasha's

first roast, you guys.

She's like a little chihuahua,

'cause she's teeny tiny

and she's feisty,

and she's filled

with mexican d.n.a.

Just to be clear, when I say

"filled with mexican d.n.a.,"

I mean, she's filled

with the cum of mexican people.

Like, from tons

of mexican gentlemen

cumming inside her vast vagina.

And also from her guzzling cum.

I just didn't want there

to be a misunderstanding.

Speaking of brownish people,

Aziz Ansari is here.

I have been a huge supporter

of Aziz for years,

and for only the price

of a cup of coffee.

By the way,

Aziz can't stay all night.

He's gotta get back

in the cupboard.

When...

but tonight is

about our man of the hour,

mr. James edward Franco,

sitting to my right.

James is openly

a very sexual person.

I don't think James is

necessarily gay or straight,

I think he just...

he literally can't

open his eyes enough

to see who he's f***ing.

James did a movie called

"interior. Leather bar."

It's about gay pornography.

He was inspired after he ate

a giant bag of d*cks

hosting the oscars.

Robert de niro,

sean penn, julia roberts...

these are just some

of the huge stars

James has worked with

who didn't

wanna be here tonight.

But you landed me

and I'm so lucky for that.

Congratulations, doll.

We are very excited

and I'm just gonna say it...

honored to introduce

our next roaster.

He's responsible

not just for my career,

but for every single person's

career in this entire room.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome

the president of hollywood.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, hello, everybody.

Before I start I just want

to say to everyone up here...

you're welcome.

In no other place but hollywood

could these 10 people make

the kind of money they make

and sleep with the kind

of people they sleep with.

And so again I say...

you're welcome.

Seth Rogen.

You're welcome,

you hairy canuck.

You are welcome.

I, hollywood,

made the world accept you.

I put you on a movie poster

and I said, "deal with it."

And then I put

barbra streisand on that poster

and the world said, "no!"

"The guilt trip"!

Listen, if I wanted to watch

two ugly jews

weaving through traffic,

I'd watch seinfeld's

web series.

And, Jonah, I'm assuming

you're here because Seth is?

People call me

all the time and they say,

"hollywood, do we really need

two of these guys?"

But I own you, Jonah.

I f***in' own you.

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