Comedy Central Roast of James Franco Page #4

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If I tried to buy you

on itunes, it would say,

"are you sure

you want to purchase?

Because you already

own this f***."

Andy Samberg.

The correct pronunciation...

(heavily accented)

Looking forward to your new

show, "brooklyn nine-nine."

Funny cops.

You're always pushing

the envelope, Andy.

What's gonna happen

when you run out

of funny crimes like graffiti

and pickpockets?

Can't wait to see episode 10

when "brooklyn nine-nine"

has to deal with a rape.

(mockingly)

"Oh, I dropped the rape kit?!

Shmorgy-dorg!"

Yeah, that's gonna be fun.

Aziz, you're welcome.

Aziz, I admire

how you've never taken

the stereotypical indian roles.

And I just want to tell you

that if you did,

you would make

so much more money.

If you came out here

right now with crossed eyes

playing a sitar, I would fall

on my ass laughing.

But still, what an actor.

Such phenomenal range.

You're like the daniel day-lewis

of only doing one thing.

Jeff ross! Hi, I'm hollywood.

We haven't met before.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Uh uh uh, sorry I haven't

been able to do anything yet.

Like enterprise rental car

on christmas day,

I do not have

a vehicle for you.

Jeffrey? Do you understand

what I'm saying?

- Yeah, I hear you.

- Jeff doesn't get it.

No, I gotta speak to Jeff now

in his native language.

Excuse me, everybody.

(mimicking jabba the hutt)

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

(speaking huttese)

wookie.

Hey, where's bill hader?

Huh? Where's that guy?

I loved his original

characters on s.n.l.

Stefon, a gay guy!

Oooh, how original!

What's next,

an old jew in a track suit?

But bill's okay in the movies

if you need

a best friend's best friend

to ask an exposition question.

"So, you're gonna

follow her to hawaii?"

"Yes, bill. Now f*** off

for the rest of the movie."

And now I come to you,

James Franco.

You're welcome.

And no one can argue

with your integrity as an actor.

From jerking off

next to a boulder

to sucking a gun like a dick,

you are truly

the jimmy stewart of today.

But I know it hasn't always

been easy for you, James.

You overcame a crippling

childhood affliction

known as dumb face.

But you never let that

interfere with your dream

of making dog-sh*t movies...

and explicitly gay gucci ads.

And the oscars. The oscars.

Look, I don't even watch

the oscars anymore,

but everyone was calling me.

"The kid is making

a mockery of your night."

But you did the impossible:

You made me like anne hathaway.

I made sure she won

every single f***ing award

for that "les mis"

theater-camp bullshit

because of what you put

her through, you lazy dick!

But things are looking up.

Yeah, yeah.

Your upcoming film

that you wrote and directed

is an adaptation of william

faulkner's "as I lay dying."

- (cheering)

- Oh.

They got

the faulkner crowd in here.

Well, I'm very excited

for that, James.

And I must say,

you know, if you...

(snoring)

It's gonna suck, James.

I'm worried about you. I'm really

f***in' worried about you.

You know how when people talk

about john wilkes booth,

they go, "you know,

he used to be an actor."

I feel like

you're going down that road!

You're gonna start a forest fire

that kills 20 people

while making

an experimental vine video.

And from then on

people are gonna say,

"you know, that f***ing

psycho used to act."

I just don't know

what you're doing.

I gave you a chance

to be a movie star,

make money,

hang out with the spider guy.

And you said,

"naw, I wanna be an artist."

Well, I'll tell you what I told

richard grieco 20 years ago...

"play ball, you squinty f***...

or you will disappear!"

And poof! He's gone!

And you're next, Franco!

So what I need from you,

James, are hits,

like when you played the bad guy

in "21 jump street."

Oh wait, that wasn't you.

That was your less-retarded

younger brother dave!

Dave.

That sounds like

a made-up brother name: Dave.

"Hey, James Franco's

got a brother."

"What's his name, dave Franco?"

In closing:
Give me hits,

drop the artist sh*t,

and take your money

and f*** off.

I hope you enjoyed your roast.

I can't wait to see your

shitty documentary about it.

Good night.

You're welcome. Come here.

I am very excited to hear

what our next roaster's voice

sounds like for the first time

in my life.

Please welcome natasha leggero.

Thanks, "honey jew-jew."

Look at this dais: Jonah Hill,

Seth Rogen, Jeff ross,

Andy Samberg, Nick Kroll.

I feel like the hot counselor

at hebrew camp.

The room is buzzing tonight,

and not just from the flies

around Aziz's relatives.

Jonah Hill, I loved you as a

baseball analyst in "moneyball,"

and I love you as

rosie o'donnell in real life.

Jonah was born

and raised in hollywood,

and you can tell.

He's a name-dropper

with big tits

and an eating disorder.

That's a f***ing great joke.

Andy Samberg. Hi, how are you?

Andy's comedy group is

called the lonely island,

which is how each

of his teeth feel.

- I got 'em fixed.

- Andy, I'm looking forward

to the sad acoustic version

of "dick in a box"

at lorne michael's

open-casket funeral.

What is this?

Nick Kroll! Nick!

Your fan must be

so excited you're here!

No, Nick, I love "Kroll show."

You are amazing at characters.

You're like a chameleon...

in that you have hideous skin

and bulging eyes.

Bill hader, you are this

generation's phil hartman...

hopefully.

- Jesus f***ing christ.

- (Audience moans)

Sarah Silverman's had more ugly

men inside her than comic-con.

Kim kardashian is here.

Oh, that's Aziz. Sorry.

I get 'em confused,

they're both brown narcissists

riding kanye's dick.

No, Aziz is only

in show business

because he's too ugly

to be a genie.

My third wish, Aziz, is that you

stop screaming your punch lines.

I saw your special. If I wanted to

get yelled at by a humorless indian,

I'd read a magazine

at 7-eleven.

No, they love Aziz in india.

He was recently awarded

india's highest honor...

soap.

James Franco...

acting, teaching, directing,

writing, producing, photography,

soundtracks, editing...

is there anything you can do?

No, at first I wasn't sure

why James would do this roast,

and then I saw "spring breakers" and

I was like, "oh, he'll do anything."

James has a new reality show coming

out on the ovation network... wow.

Finally something so awful

that even t.l.c. Was like,

"nah, we're good."

James, you're hard to roast.

I mean, you're so dreamy.

I mean, something about you,

I just wanna please you.

I just wanna take you

back to my hotel room,

take off all your clothes

and let a man f*** you.

No, I'll f*** you, James.

I just wanna put a bag

over your career choices.

You're a fantastic artist.

Thank you, I feel honored

to be here. Thank you.

Thank you.

Coming up is the man

who made s.n.l. Funny again...

by leaving.

Please welcome Andy Samberg!

Hey, everyone.

So, uh... I just

flew in from new york

and boy, are my arms fine! Because Seth

Rogen gave me a ride on his private jet.

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