Comedy Central Roast of James Franco Page #5

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Way to be thoughtful and generous when

you had nothing to gain from it, p*ssy.

I'm kidding.

Super appreciate the hookup.

But seriously, Seth, what's up

with your gigantic tux?

I'd be swimming

in that thing...

if I could swim!

Burned you! I can't swim.

Roastmaster... check.

Let's see,

who else should I lampoon?

Wow, look at this dais...

a word I knew before tonight.

Someone must have

told the producer

that this was a panel

of kenny rogers roasters,

'cause you guys are

a bunch of chickens!

Thank you.

It's a chicken-based restaurant,

I researched that.

The "lovely" Sarah Silverman

is here.

I hate to break it to you,

Sarah, but you're getting older.

And you know who else is

getting older? My mom.

I'm scared she's gonna die soon.

What's that gonna be like?

Roasted you.

Roasted Sarah.

Okay, who's my next victim?

Huh.

Natasha leggero is here.

She's, uh... she's basically

a complete unknown,

but tonight we're gettin' paid

the same amount of money!

Uh ah, got you.

Well, guess what, natasha?

You can do everything I can do,

but I can never experience the miracle

of birthing a child. Roasted you.

Roast-afari.

Like a reggae guy.

Here's one:
Nick Kroll, bill hader,

and Seth Rogen walk into a bar.

They're there to pick me up because I'm an

alcoholic who can't manage my feelings!

Nailed you f***ers!

Suck a butt!

Uh, is there a barista here?

'Cause this roast just got dark!

(clears throat)

Who else?

Who else wants the wrath?

My good friend

Aziz Ansari is here.

Aziz's parents are from india

and he's from south carolina.

Hey, Aziz, what's it like

to have a unique perspective

on what it means

to be american, you bag of sh*t?

Roasting so hard right now.

It's like at boston market

in here,

'cause I'm roasting

all these kenny rogers chickens.

Jonah Hill is here.

Jonah is so dumb that when he

had me over for a dinner party,

I overstayed my welcome

and he pretended to be tired

so I would leave without

getting my feelings hurt.

You a passive-aggressive

sweetheart, Jonah!

Just ask me to leave.

But I did wanna stay.

Who else is here? Uh...

oh yeah, god is here.

God is everywhere, okay?

He walks with me

through sunshine and rain.

He protects me from temptation.

He is my light.

Roasted the father!

On the sacrilege tip.

Expect letters, comedy central.

If you don't want controversy, you

shouldn't have invited the king!

Whoo!

And now we come

to James Franco.

Everyone's always talking about...

(Laughing)

Thanks, bill.

It's my old homey.

Hey, everyone's always talking about

how good-looking you are, James.

And they are spot on.

You're so handsome

you remind me of the man who

broke up my parents' marriage.

Bam, boston market!

Did you know James Franco was

on "general hospital"?

A crappy soap opera!

It's like you don't let your ego

get in the way of your artistic path.

What is that, kenny rogers?

"Oz the great and powerful"?

More like a movie that transported

me to a magical wonderland.

Good one. Thanks.

Hey! Here's a fun fact:

James Franco has a tiny dick.

Yeah, I said it.

James's dick is so small

that I had to suck it for, like,

three hours just to get him hard.

And then it got way bigger.

Like, scary big. I was like, "you

want me to do what with that?"

Anyways, he railed on me up the

ass, up and inside of my a**hole

with his gigantic

"planet of the apes" cock.

Huh...

James is so bad in bed

that he doesn't even clean his jizz

off my back when he's finished.

Talk about chivalry is dead...

a gentleman, sir, you are not!

Ahhh... you guys, don't be homophobic.

Seriously, it's 2005.

Grow up.

Hey, James, knock knock.

- Who's there?

- I think about you when I jerk off.

Hey, guys, can you try

and settle down out there?

I'm trying to roast up here.

I don't go down to your job and knock

James Franco's dick out of my mouth.

You never

take me anywhere, James!

I sucked your dick, man!

So these are classic

roast jokes.

Jeff ross knows

what I'm talking about.

You melting hippo. Look...

all I'm saying...

all I'm saying is this:

James has force-fed me

so much dick

that you can make foie gras

out of my liver.

That's a foodie joke

about d*cks.

You guys, this has been great.

Let's always remember this.

And, James, you are a super

strange guy and I like that.

Because you've had every opportunity

to be boring and you didn't.

So congrats. And congrats to all

of us for being here tonight

and being so mean to each other,

because it's a tradition

and we're all terrified.

Thank you.

Our next roaster

could have been

in the movie "life of pi,"

but producers thought

they'd get a better performance

out of someone who's

literally never acted

in anything ever

in his whole life.

Please welcome Aziz Ansari.

(applause)

Thank you.

Thank you so much, everyone.

This is so cool.

I've actually never done

any of these roasts before.

But hey, they told me

this roast is different.

You know, they got a

contemporary relevant celebrity,

James Franco, and they got

his actual friends to roast him.

Very cool idea.

If that's the plan though,

why am I here?

I don't know James at all.

You guys saw "this is the end."

I've been up here longer than

I was in "this is the end."

The funniest part

of "this is the end" to me

is if James actually

had that party,

I don't think

I would have been invited.

Natasha leggero is here.

(scattered applause)

And yes, natasha,

sometimes in my set,

I do yell. And so would you

if you toured for more

than tens of people.

- Yeah!

- But natasha had a fantastic set.

It's... yeah,

that was so funny.

It's a shame she didn't say her

jokes eight times slower though

so people actually had

a chance to catch it

when they fast-forward her

on their d.v.r.

This is my impression

of natasha's set

as it will be seen

on most television sets:

"Ladies and gentlemen,

natasha leggero."

(mimics fast-forwarding)

"Thank you so much, James."

Jonah Hill is here.

- (applause)

- Yes.

I do think one day Jonah

will win an oscar...

meyer hot-dog eater

of the millennium award.

Look this guy is a huge star.

He's hanging out

with the brad pitts

and the leonardo dicaprios

of the world.

If I was hanging out

with those guys,

you think I'd still get

brunch with Nick Kroll?

No, of course not.

That's how successful Jonah is.

He had to get new friends.

That's my new career goal,

to never see Nick Kroll again.

Sarah Silverman is here.

Some of the guys here tonight

really taking me to task

over one kanye west joke

I did in my stand-up act

five years ago.

If anyone wants to make fun of any

jokes Sarah did five years ago,

please don't.

She's still doing those jokes.

Also, I think it's so cool

that some of you guys

were able to travel back in time

to 1995 for those

indian jokes you did.

That's so cool.

Man!

Those stereotypes

are so outdated.

My god.

There's more indian dudes

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