Comedy Central Roast of James Franco Page #6

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doing sitcoms

than there are

running 7-elevens.

We're straight up snatching

roles from white actors.

My last three roles

were rAndy, chet and tom.

Jeff ross is here...

'cause he never left

since the last roast.

He has nowhere else to go.

It's so sad.

He lives in the dressing room.

But hey, Jeff is really good

at roasting, okay?

Even if they canceled

the comedy central roast,

you'd still see Jeff out there

somewhere roasting...

a dead rat over a garbage fire

because he'd be homeless

and he'd need to make

a nice dinner that evening.

I saw Jeff at the comedy club

the other night.

A woman comes up to him

and says, "hey",

if you're who I think you are, I'm

definitely sleeping with you tonight."

And he goes

"hell yeah, I'm Jeff ross."

And she goes, "oops, sorry."

I thought you were the main orc

from 'the lord of the rings.'"

I wrote that joke before

you did that to your hair too.

But we're here

for James Franco.

Yes. - (Cheering)

So many gay jokes tonight.

Wow, so many

gay jokes about Franco.

Apparently if you're clean,

well-dressed

and mildly cultured

you're super gay now.

Is that why

the rest of you guys

are so aggressively

fat and dirty?

You think if you read one book

and take a shower,

d*cks are just gonna

fly into your face?

Franco, I don't know

you that well,

but I'm glad you had me here.

And later tonight, I'm looking

forward to you coming up here

and doing what you do best...

being mildly funny

reading material Seth Rogen

has written for you.

Thank you guys very much.

All right, our next roaster

very cleverly came dressed

as one of the characters

from James's films.

Here he is dressed as the hot-air balloon

from "oz the great and powerful,"

Jeffrey ross!

Whoaoh-oh!

How you guys doin'?

I love it. What an epic night!

First off, I'd like to thank my

niece Seth Rogen for hosting.

Oh man! I saw your mall cop movie.

What was it called?

- "Observe and report."

- Yeah.

It made me realize

how funny kevin James is.

How many people saw

"this is the end"?

(cheering)

Awesome movie.

I loved all you guys in "this

is the end." I really did.

You played yourselves,

that was so cool.

How'd you guys you get

into character on set?

Did they pass out smoothies that

taste like judd apatow's a**hole?

Look at these fat guys laughing.

I love it.

In "this is the end,"

Jonah Hill gets raped

by a demon

with a big black cock!

The cock didn't have

to be big or black,

but you know

Jonah with his demands.

Actually Jonah almost

couldn't make it tonight

because he had trouble finding a tuxedo

that changed in sizes every three hours.

Ooh!

Jonah, you're

an amazing talent.

I love you as the ku klux klan

guy in "django unchained."

That was a great role. You should wear

a sheet over your face in every movie.

What was that,

a california king?

It was big.

When Jonah's agent told him

that quentin tarantino

wanted him to be

in a spaghetti western,

Jonah was like,

"you had me at spaghetti."

Jonah Hill!

Jonah Hill...

what's that? Spaghetti western.

Spaghetti western.

You like that?

- I like that.

- I love you, Jonah. You're a good guy.

I f***ing love you, dude.

Great to see Sarah Silverman.

She's the greatest.

So funny tonight.

You're like a sister to me.

I'm so proud of you,

Sarah, for your success

in the animated movie.

Anybody see "wreck-it ralph"?

Wow.

Which is what guys

do to your p*ssy.

They wreck it, then they ralph.

Bill hader.

Holy mackerel, so hilarious.

That was great.

Too bad you can't do an impression of

a guy with two equally sized eyes.

Man! Look at that!

Get a close-up!

I've heard of a lazy eye,

but that left one's

collecting unemployment.

Aziz, I wanted to make some

jokes about you bombing tonight,

but you were so goddamn funny

I can't and, uh...

I mean, seriously, Aziz,

you were hil...

(ululates) ...larious.

Aziz has been charming audiences

and snakes for years.

And I guess you're here

tonight because now that kanye

had a real baby,

he doesn't need you anymore.

How ya doin', Franco?

You look like johnny depp

with lupus.

Does ryan gosling ever call you,

start laughing and then hang up?

Franco is half italian

and half-asleep.

How about a hand for James's

grandma, 91 years old.

Beautiful. Look at her!

Wow!

"127 hours" is

how long she has left.

(crowd moans)

Get him, grandma. Get him.

Get him!

Oh... oh, Franco.

Franco comes

from humble beginnings, right?

Your first job was working

at mcdonald's.

It was the last time anybody ever said

about your work, "I'm lovin' it."

Oh. And because

you're an academic

I treated this roast like

a research project.

I watched all your films.

I read your poetry.

I even have one of your paintings

hanging in my fire pit.

You know, Franco, personally I don't

care if you f*** guys or f*** girls.

All I know is you f***ed me out of 12 bucks

when I went to see that wizard of oz movie.

The whole time I was

in the theater I was thinkin',

"there's no place like home."

But, Franco, I'm really

looking forward

to you mumbling your rebuttal

at the end of the show.

Are you ready

to bring it, Franco?

Let's hope you...

that's good. I'm psyched.

Let's hope you bring

some of that razor-sharp wit

you brought to the oscars.

You were a worse host

than the aids monkey.

Face it, Franco,

you and anne hathaway

had the comedic chemistry of trayvon

martin and george zimmerman.

Anyway, Franco,

I really do admire you

because you're

a creative risk-taker

during a time when the world

needs more of that.

So I wish you

continued success and...

I hope I wasn't

too mean tonight

because my girlfriend and I both

wanna f*** you after the show.

All right, good luck, buddy.

(instrumental music playing)

All right! It is time

for the man of the hour.

Get ready. Are you ready?

He's been sitting here

for hours squirming,

waiting for this to end.

So now he knows

how we feel when we watch

one of his piece-of-sh*t

independent movies.

Please welcome up

my good buddy James Franco.

James Franco

James Franco, James Franco

I say James,

y'all say Franco

James Franco, James Franco

I say James,

y'all say Franco

James Franco, James Franco

- Franco, Franco...

- Thank you.

I do think this...

this is truly my punishment

for the oscars.

America and the rest

of the world

can have a cathartic moment

after this airs.

And I wanna thank everybody here.

Thank you for coming.

I had no idea what

you were gonna be into.

And, Jonah, thank you

most of all! L...

when you said yes, I didn't

know that you were gonna be

listening to these jokes

for two hour...

I had no idea

what a friend you are.

- I love you.

- I love you, Jonah. Thank you.

I agreed to do this roast

because I really wanted to do

something I'd never done before,

something that has

zero artistic value,

something nobody will remember

three months from now,

something that's offensive,

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