Comedy Central Roast of James Franco Page #7

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homophobic,

stars horrifically

untalented people,

and something

that's only a big deal

to a handful of teenage

stoners on twitter.

Now you might say, "but, James, didn't

you just describe 'your highness'?"

I wouldn't know.

I didn't see "your highness."

And you know why I didn't

see "your highness"?

Because I was too busy

working, creating,

writing poetry, painting,

making independent films

and building psycho-sexual

edible birdhouses.

And despite all

of my amazing, inspiring work,

I've had to sit here,

listen to you guys launch

vicious attacks at me,

and all of them are

completely unfounded.

You're gonna say

I sucked at the oscars.

I was a genius

at the oscars.

That was experimental

tuxedo-sleep-art.

Now you're gonna say

I'm a pretty boy.

(cheers)

And you don't know

how painful that is.

I'm always typecast

as the same guy...

you know, the handsome wizard

and handsome meth dealer

and the handsome

clumsy amputee hiker.

Just once I'd like to play

some of the diverse roles

that Nick Kroll gets, like...

the rat-faced attorney,

or the rat-faced maitre d',

or the rat-faced

children's hospital doctor.

And you're gonna

say I'm effeminate

just because I feel comfortable

in a flowing ball gown.

I mean, if I'm wearing

the high heels,

how am I not gonna wear

a beautiful gown?

And I know that I look

terrific as a woman.

And I'm certainly doing

a better job of it

than that guy over there

dressed as Sarah Silverman.

Now Seth was really

hilarious tonight,

but the jokes suggesting

that I was gay...

coming from you, Seth...

it really hurts!

Because it reminds me

of the time on the set

of "pineapple express"

when Seth Rogen

tried to rape me.

Forced his way

into my dressing room,

blew pot smoke into my mouth

p... and he pinned me

beneath his sweaty,

heaving, shlubby body.

Luckily he was distracted by the sound

of an ice-cream truck outside...

and I managed to break free.

But, Seth, the incident did inspire

my latest painting entitled.

"Seth Rogen is

a gay stoner rapist."

Now you say you don't

understand my movies?

Well, I don't understand

my movies.

In "oz," I was followed

around the whole time

by an excitable little monkey

dressed like a bellboy.

Why was he dressed

like a bellboy?

Well, what am I asking you for?

Aziz, why were you

dressed like a bellboy?

All right, so you guys

think I'm pretentious.

Well, James Franco addressed

James Franco being pretentious

in his book "James Franco."

But it's... (sNickers)

But it's not just me.

Look at how full of himself

Jonah's become since

his oscar nomination.

Don't forget

where you came from, pal.

Sure, you're buddies with

brad pitt and channing tatum,

but I was your first

handsome friend.

Before you get too cocky, remember,

I was there in "this is the end"

when you were getting brutally

ass-rammed by that demon.

We both know the only way the

demon could keep his erection

was because he was

thinking about me.

So all night I've had to sit here

and listen to everyone's jokes,

pretending to be amused by them, but

in reality the joke's on all of you.

This is not a roast.

This is my greatest,

most elaborate

art installation ever.

I'm not the real guest of honor

and these aren't real comedians

and we're not even

on a real network.

What you've seen tonight

was my brilliant opus...

to sequester

an artistic visionary

and subject him to the mindless

incoherent trashings

of a scattering of miscreated,

talentless abnormalities.

I call it "genius unscathed"

and this is my masterpiece.

There's only

one thing missing...

my signature.

That says,

"James Franco, b*tches."

Thank you. Good night!

Franco, Franco

fra-fra-Franco,

James Franco

James Franco, Franco

fra-fra-Franco,

James Franco...

- Thanks, brother.

- Yeah.

- Thanks again.

- Great job, buddy.

Awesome, hilarious. Thank you.

- Now I'm going to burning man.

- Are you really?

- Yeah.

- Goddamn it.

Goddamn it,

I actually love you.

- You're a real friend.

- Yeah, I am,

and I love you. Thank you

for being a good sport.

You're so sweet.

I laughed a lot, man.

- That was fun, dude.

- You guys were great.

- (kisses) ah.

- Everybody was good.

That was awesome, man.

You did such a good job, man.

You're so great, Sarah.

That was so funny.

- You are too. It was so fun.

- You're so awesome.

It was one of the best roasts

I ever saw.

- I want this picture.

- A night to remember.

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