Computer Chess Page #7

- Tom Schoesser.

- Tom?

He sold his programme to Allied Labs,

that's what happened.

TSAR threw the competition.

He sold his programme to Allied,

and they plugged it into their machine,

and that's the machine that beat me.

I mean, come on,

it's just the Turk all over again!

Instead of a man

hiding inside of a machine,

it's a programme

hiding inside of another programme.

Mediocrity triumphs again.

Always.

Just take... just take...

Just take a mediocre...

Just take a mediocre programme

and turbo-charge it.

Just take something mediocre

and turbo-charge it.

OK.

We've made some strides this year,

we've had a couple of issues

on the other hand.

I apologise to anybody here

who has had cat allergies.

Miaow!

It's not gonna happen next time,

we're gonna be in a different hotel,

don't worry about it.

So now we go onto the awards -

the real reason we're here today.

So we're gonna start with the third prize,

and the winner of course

is the STASIA team,

and that is led

by our dear friend Mr McVey.

(Applause)

You guys come up.

(Henderson) He's very generously

bringing his team up.

Congratulations to a great team.

Really beautiful programming...

This is the team that's got a lady on it -

there she is.

That's the first time for our conference

and we welcome her.

Thanks for being here.

Thank you.

The STASIA team!

(Applause)

Before we present the second prize,

we have a little surprise -

an amusement from the NOOG team.

I'm gonna get this right,

this is what the NOOG team has set up.

They wrote up a little programme,

it's up here, to run a predictive algorithm.

They charted every room

that Mr Papageorge has attempted

to stay in over the weekend.

They spit out a prediction

of what room he would end up in -

and that is Room 217.

That's the big winner.

217!

(Whispers) That's just a math joke...

a math joke.

OK. (Clears throat)

ls Mike in the room?

Is Mike here?

All right, boys or gentlemen -

or young men,

or whatever you want to call yourselves -

it's time for your refreshment.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Well, you're quite welcome.

And by the way, Freddy,

do you know Luke?

No, I don't know Luke.

Well, it's time you got acquainted.

Do you know Luke?

No, I don't know Luke.

Luke 15:
11 through 32.

Try and decode this one.

So, Luke tells... these are parables,

these little stories.

Like "The Prodigal Son",

that's a parable.

There's one about the lost coin,

a woman who was

preparing for a wedding

and she had to have so many coins,

and she lost one.

And she just tore the house up

looking for that coin.

All right?

Now it's called the Holy Bible.

Well, Bible means book.

- And what does "holy" mean?

- Blessed.

(Papageorge) Mom, where is the box?

I left a little box here.

It's a small wooden box, Mom!

I haven't seen it.

I haven't seen any kind of box.

(Papageorge)

You must have moved it somewhere!

I left it right here.

Well, if I moved it,

I was unconscious.

Look... you know that shelf

your daddy built above the tub?

(Papageorge) It's a small wooden box.

It has money in it.

(Mom) Wow.

You know, there was an old man

called Uncle Otto.

And he was nobody's uncle

but everybody's uncle.

And he hid his money

in a fruit jar, sealed it..

- I don't have time for this story right now!

- ...and buried it...

- I need to find this box! It has money in it!

- ...In a horse's stall out in the big barn.

- Well, the barn caught on fire, and...

- It's a small wooden box. It has money in it!

...the whole thing collapsed.

Tin was covering up his fruit jar.

And he finally had confessed the story

to his neighbours,

they came in and dug and looked

and never found it.

- Two years later, in some muck...

- It's a small wooden box.

- ...and some brush and some moss...

- It has money in it.

...In a creek, the jar was discovered.

It was perfectly sealed.

The money was there,

but Uncle Otto was gone.

(Henderson) Lost in a loop...

Thank you.

(Henderson)

And he's taking the cheque.

I would too.

Very inventive programme,

very bold this year.

Another round of applause for this guy.

He really is a winner.

Smile for the camera.

- And thank you. All right.

- Thank you.

OK, this marks the official end

to our tournament this year.

For those of you who are not getting

immediately on an airplane,

I advise you come around tomorrow

for a spectacular game

between the winning ALLIANCE team,

computers,

and me, a human person.

- That's it. Man versus machine. Right, Les?

- Right.

OK.

The adventure continues,

and we're gonna see

all you folks next year.

(Applause)

Thank you.

Thank you all so much for coming.

We really look forward to seeing

what you bring next year.

The adventure continues.

Are you sure I can't get you something?

- No.

- Shirley Temple?

Can you just leave me alone?

Hi, Peter.

- May I have a glass of house red, please.

- Sure.

Thank you.

Talk about complex systems.

I heard a new phrase the other day:

"Garbage in, garbage out."

You input garbage into the computer,

or the data, you're gonna get it out.

But the programme is perfect!

The programme calculated exactly

what you wanted. You know?

You want to know the real future

of computers?

Tell me.

Dating.

You mean computers are going

to start dating each other?

- No.

- Science of attraction?

We'll use 'em for dating.

You know,

we got a couple young people here.

- I want to hear this.

- What attracts them to each other?

I'm wondering

if you could programme a computer,

you know, with the inputs

on these signs of attraction?

- It's all about strategy.

- Right.

Just like chess.

(Chuckles) Here we go.

Go on.

- Just...

- What's your strategy?

Yeah?

(Laughs)

I don't have one.

I'll tell you. When I met my wife,

years ago in college,

I knew her one day

before we had that magical moment.

So what happens with that?

When people see each other

and get that reaction? I mean...

I mean... You're a video guy.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, what do you see, man?

What do I see?

What do you see?

Yeah.

I don't know - you want to look

through the camera and see what I see?

You want to look through the camera?

Yeah.

Go pick it up.

Test it out.

- You ever use a video camera?

- No.

- Check it out.

- OK.

Wow!

Wow, wow, wow.

Have you, in your dealings

with the other teams,

heard any rumours or speculation

that the Allied Labs team

paid Professor Schoesser

to throw the tournament?

No.

Good.

I can tell you

that that is completely false.

Have you heard another rumour

that there's been interest

from the Pentagon in our project?

No.

That one's true.

And, in fact, they've been

following the project for some time.

They're aware of the failures

we've been having

and they don't understand them either.

And the reason the Professor was late

to the tournament

was because they had detained him

for some sort of questioning.

I want to tell you something

that I haven't told anyone else.

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