Comrade X

DON'T YOU THINK

IT IS UNUSUAL,

CALLING THE PRESS TOGETHER

LIKE THIS IN THE KREMLIN?

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING HAS

HAPPENED, SOME NEW CRISIS.

PROBABLY THE GOVERNMENT'S

DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON,

ALL FOREIGN CORRESPONDENTS

MUST BE BLINDFOLDED

AND LED AROUND:

BY SEEING EYE DOGS.

"ANYTHING TO KEEP THE

TRUTH OUT OF PRINT"

IS THEIR MOTTO.

PLEASE, MISS WILSON,

DO NOT SPEAK FOR ME.

I AM NOT COMPLAINING AGAINS THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT.

MY DEAR VON HOFER,

A GERMAN JOURNALIS IS NO IN THE POSITION

TO COMPLAIN AGAINST THE

ABSENCE OF TRUTH ANYWHERE.

RIGHT YOU ARE,

MISS WILSON.

EXCUSE ME!

WITH PLEASURE,

OLD BOY.

A FINE WORLD PRESS

WE ARE.

WE CAN'T EVEN SEND OUT A WEATHER

REPORT WITHOUT HAVING IT CENSORED.

QUIET, PLEASE.

COMMISSAR VASILIEV.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT I,

COMMISSAR VASILIEV,

HEAD OF THE SECRET POLICE,

HAVE TAKEN OVER THE CENSORSHIP

OF THE FOREIGN PRESS.

QUIET, PLEASE!

THIS STEP HAS BEEN

MADE NECESSARY:

BY THE CONTINUED ACTIVITIES

OF ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES

WHO WRITES UNDER

THE NAME OF COMRADE X.

PARDON ME, COMMISSAR, BU COMRADE MOLKOFF ASSURED US

THAT COMRADE X HAD BEEN

ARRESTED AND LIQUIDATED

AFTER MAKING:

A FULL CONFESSION.

MY PREDECESSOR COMRADE MOLKOFF

WAS MISTAKEN,

UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM

AND FOR THE 3 UNHAPPY CITIZENS

OF MY COUNTRY:

WHOM HE ELIMINATED.

COMRADE X IS STILL ALIVE

AND DEFYING THE CENSORSHIP

OF THE SOVIET.

HE IS STILL SENDING OU FALSE STORIES!

HE IS STILL PHOTOGRAPHING

FORBIDDEN PLACES!

AND HIS MALICIOUS WRITINGS

ARE STILL BEING BROADCAS ALL OVER THE WORLD.

THIS SITUATION:

MUST BE STOPPED!

UNTIL THE REAL COMRADE X IS FOUND,

EVERY MEMBER OF THE FOREIGN PRESS

WILL BE TREATED AS A POTENTIAL

ENEMY OF THE GOVERNMENT.

YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED

TO LEAVE MOSCOW.

NO PERMIT OF ANY KIND

WILL BE GIVEN.

ALL TELEPHONE CALLS

WILL BE UNDER FIRM CONTROL.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL

HAVE US DEPORTED.

WE CAN'T GET OUT ANY STORIES

IF WE CAN'T GET AROUND.

EXACTLY. YOU ARE

TO GET NO STORIES.

DO I UNDERSTAND, COMMISSAR,

THAT WE ARE NOT TO

CALL ON COMRADE MOLKOFF

FOR ANY NEWS:

FROM THIS DEPARTMENT?

THERE IS NO:

COMRADE MOLKOFF.

THE FORMER HEAD:

OF THE PRESS DEPARTMEN WAS A VICTIM LAST NIGH OF A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT.

HE WAS APPARENTLY, SHALL WE SAY,

NOT WATCHING HIS STEP.

I AM SPEAKING:

AT HIS GRAVE:

AT THE KAPULSKI CEMETERY

AT 3:
00.

IS MR. THOMPSON HERE?

ALL CORRESPONDENTS

WERE ASKED TO BE HERE.

WHERE IS McKINLEY B.

THOMPSON OF THE TOPEKA BUGLE?

HE'S AT KURKINO,

COMMISSAR.

I GOT THIS TELEGRAM FROM

HIM YESTERDAY MORNING.

"AM TWO BOTTLES AHEAD IN

OFFICERS' DRINKING CONTEST.

"KINDLY SEND A FEW

RUBLES AND A LARGE ICE BAG

FOR VICTORIOUS RETURN

TO MOSCOW."

SILENCE!

THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER

INFORMATION FROM THIS DEPARTMEN UNTIL COMRADE X HAS BEEN

FINALLY DISPOSED OF.

GOOD DAY.

WELL,

WELL, WELL!

WHAT? OH!

OH, WE'RE HERE, HUH?

ALL RIGHT.

OH. YEAH.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

HERE YOU ARE, SPORT.

AND DON'T KISS ME.

PLEASE.

HEY, STOP IT.

STOP IT!

GO PEDDLE YOUR PIGS.

MR. THOMPSON!

HA HA HA!

HELLO, VANYA.

ADIOS, COMRADE.

VANYA, WHAT DAY

IS TODAY?

FRIDAY.

ALREADY?

YES.

THAT VODKA MUST HAVE BEEN

STRONGER THAN I THOUGHT.

I AM GLAD YOU ARE BACK,

MR. THOMPSON.

YOU HAD A GOOD TIME?

I MUST HAVE,

IF IT'S FRIDAY.

WHAT'S THE NEWS

AROUND THIS FISH TRAP?

WELL, THERE'S SOME GOOD

NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS.

LAST WEEK ALL THE TOWELS WERE STOLEN,

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

THE WATER WASN'T RUNNING,

SO NOBODY:

NEEDED A TOWEL.

EVERYTHING BALANCES.

WHO IS THIS:

STRANGE FIGURE?

THIS IS COMRADE:

BARONOFF,

OUR NEW:

HOTEL MANAGER.

OH! OH.

THE NAME IS McKINLEY B.

THOMPSON OF THE TOPEKA BUGLE,

YOUR PREDECESSOR'S

FAVORITE JOURNALIST.

WELCOME TO:

OUR HOTEL, COMRADE.

ROOM 301.

ANY MAIL:

OR TELEGRAMS?

MR. BARONOFF,

I LEFT MY ROOM 20 MINUTES AGO.

I JUST CAME BACK,

AND MY BED IS GONE.

ARE YOU SURE,

MADAM?

SOMEBODY HAS STOLEN

MY BED, I TELL YOU.

THERE'S NO SIGN

OF A BED IN MY ROOM.

THE VERY IDEA OF STEALING

A BED RIGHT OUT OF MY ROOM!

MAYBE THEY WANTED I FOR THE PARADE.

KINDLY SIT DOWN,

MADAM.

WE WILL SOLVE YOUR

SITUATION IN A FEW MOMENTS.

IT MAY NOT BE NECESSARY

TO PLACE YOU UNDER ARREST.

ARREST?!

YOU FORGO MY KEY.

I'M SORRY.

THERE IS NO KEY FOR YOU.

THE HOTEL IS FILLED.

YOUR ROOM IS NOW OCCUPIED.

IT IS? A LADY?

NO, SIR.

THEN THROW HIM OUT.

PLEASE. THE GENTLEMAN

OCCUPYING YOUR ROOM

IS HERR VON HOFER

OF THE GERMAN NEWS AGENCY.

HE IS SPECIAL:

FROM THE KREMLIN.

HOFER?

GOOD OLD HOFER!

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

WHY, WE'RE OLD PALS.

IT'LL BE FUN BUNKING IN WITH

OLD PRETZEL-HEAD HOFER AGAIN.

YOU'RE SURE

THERE WILL BE NO TROUBLE?

TROUBLE? WHY, WE'RE

PRACTICALLY HONEYMOONERS.

OH, LISTEN.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

I WANT THE WAITER TO BRING

ME UP ONE BOTTLE OF BRANDY,

ONE BOTTLE OF VODKA,

TWO CUCUMBERS,

THREE RAW EGGS,

AND A SMALL BOTTLE

OF TABASCO.

RIGHT AWAY.

DELAY WILL BE FATAL.

MADAM, YOUR PROBLEM

IS SOLVED.

YOU WILL SLEEP ON THIS TILL

WE RECOVER THE MISSING BED.

WHAT?

HOW LONG HAS THE ELEVATOR

BEEN STUCK THIS TIME?

8 HOURS.

THEY ARE GOING TO REPORT I TO THE BUREAU OF ELEVATORS.

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

THEY THINK THERE ARE

SOME PEOPLE IN IT.

WHAT ARE THEY GOING

TO DO ABOUT IT?

THEY ARE LOOKING

FOR THE ENGINEER,

BUT NOBODY KNOWS

WHERE HE IS.

PERSONALLY, I THINK

HE IS IN THE ELEVATOR.

HERE. HAVE THIS CLEANED,

PRESSED, AND DELOUSED.

MR. THOMPSON,

EXCUSE ME!

THIS IS MY ROOM,

AND I'M BUSY.

SO AM I.

GO RIGHT AHEAD,

ONLY DON'T HOLLER SO

LOUD WHEN YOU DICTATE.

I GOT A HEAD ON ME

LIKE AN INCINERATOR.

TURN ON THE BATH,

IF IT'S WORKING.

MR. THOMPSON,

THIS IS MY ROOM,

AND I MUST ASK YOU TO

VACATE, IF YOU PLEASE!

THAT'S A FINE WAY

TO TALK.

I GET THIS ROOM,

I FIX IT UP,

I PAY FOR IT IN ADVANCE,

AND I LIVE IN IT.

YOU MARCH IN:

AND TRY TO THROW ME OUT.

IS THAT A NICE WAY FOR

A NAZI TO ACT? I ASK YOU.

AND I ASK YOU FOR THE

LAST TIME TO LEAVE MY ROOM!

OUR ROOM, OLD BOY.

YOU CAN TAKE THE COUCH.

I'LL TAKE THE BED.

EXCUSE ME,

MR. THOMPSON.

HOW SOON CAN I TALK

TO YOU ALONE?

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAI TILL I'M ALONE, VANYA.

THANK YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

OLGA.

OK, OLGA. YOU CAN CURL

UP IN THE FIREPLACE.

THAT'S RUSSIA-EVERYBODY

SHARES EVERYTHING.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO SHARE A ROOM

WITH AN IRRESPONSIBLE AMERICAN LOUT,

A MAN WHO:

IS A DISGRACE:

TO THE PROFESSION

OF JOURNALISM-

SHH! HOLD IT.

YOU HEAR THAT?

HEAR WHAT?

THE RATS. THEY'VE BEEN

NIBBLING AWAY AT THIS HOTEL

EVER SINCE:

COMRADE LENIN DIED.

THERE HE IS.

LOOK AT HIM...

LICKING HIS WHISKERS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I MISSED HIM.

THAT SETTLES IT!

I AM GOING FIRS TO THE MANAGEMENT,

NEXT TO THE GERMAN EMBASSY,

THEN TO THE KREMLIN.

YOU WILL FIND:

THAT IT'S NOT SO EASY

TO TAKE AWAY THE RIGHTS

FROM A GERMAN!

WELL, IT'S GREA TO BE HOME.

GOOD-BYE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WITH MR. HOFER.

I'M HIS SECRETARY.

WHAT'S HE PAY YOU?

200 RUBLES A WEEK.

I'LL GIVE YOU

A HUNDRED-CASH.

OH, THANK YOU.

I'LL TAKE IT.

OK, SNOOKS.

YOUR FIRST DUTY IS TO

RELAX AND TAKE IT EASY

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