Comrade X Page #2

WHILE I JUMP:

IN THE TUB.

HELLO. WHAT'S THIS?

OPEN HOUSE?

WHERE'S MR. THOMPSON?

HE'S WASHING HIMSELF

IN A BATHTUB.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE,

AND WAIT.

HEY, MAC,

HURRY IT UP.

HELLO, JANEY.

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

JUST HEARD:

YOU WERE BACK.

OUR COLLEAGUE HERR VON HOFER

IS RAISING THE ROOF DOWNSTAIRS.

CLAIMS YOU:

KICKED HIM OUT.

THAT'S A LIE.

I STARTED SHOOTING

AT SOME RATS,

AND VON HOFER:

TOOK IT PERSONALLY.

HELLO, HONEYBUN.

YOU MISS ME?

OH, I CAN ALWAYS GO TO

THE ZOO WHEN YOU'RE AWAY.

OH, I GOT RIVALS,

HUH?

WHAT'S THE IDEA OF COMING

IN WITHOUT KNOCKING?

EXCUSE ME.

OH, HERE WE ARE!

THE GREATEST PICK-ME-UP

KNOWN TO MAN.

YOU REALLY MISSED SOMETHING A THE KREMLIN THIS MORNING, MAC.

YEAH? HOW IS

THE OLD KREMLIN?

SAME OLD RATTRAP. FULL OF STUFFED

SHIRTS DOUBLE-CROSSING THE MASSES.

SOMEDAY THE PEOPLE

ARE GOING TO GET WISE

AND TAKE IT APAR BRICK BY BRICK.

EXCUSE ME. YOU WISH TO PAY FOR THIS?

YEAH. HOW MUCH?

230 RUBLES.

WHAT ARE YOU:

TALKING ABOUT?

TWO BOTTLES:

AT 15 RUBLES APIECE.

WHAT'S THE 200 FOR?

THAT'S FOR ME SO I AM NO TELLING THE SECRET POLICE

HOW THE LADY TALKED

ABOUT THE KREMLIN.

WELL, I GUESS

IT'S CHEAP, AT THAT.

HERE YOU ARE, PALSIE.

LUCKY THING FOR ME

YOU CAN'T READ MY MIND.

YOU'D BE A MILLIONAIRE.

I AM VERY HAPPY!

THANK YOU.

WELL, I PULLED YOU

OUT OF THAT HOLE, JANE.

THANKS.

WELL, TO GET BACK

TO THE KREMLIN,

IN CASE YOU WANT SOME MORE

NEWS YOU CAN'T SEND OUT,

THEY'VE BUMPED OFF

GOOD OLD COMMISSAR MOLKOFF.

YOU DON'T SAY.

ANY PARTICULAR REASON?

THEY GOT MAD ON HIM BECAUSE

HE FAILED TO DIG UP COMRADE X.

WHO'S BATTING

FOR MOLKOFF?

THE HEAD BOGEYMAN-

VASILIEV.

OH, OLD APPLE CHEEKS,

HUH?

YOU, UH, FIGURE

HE ERASED MOLKOFF?

NO DOUBT OF IT.

SHOT HIS OLD PAL IN THE BACK, AND

TODAY HE'LL CRY OVER HIS GRAVE.

YEAH? WHEN?

3:
00.

WHERE?

AT THE KAPULSKI CEMETERY.

WHY?

EVERY TIME THEY PUT A NEW

LIBERATOR IN THE GROUND,

THEY THROW ANOTHER

BANQUET-FREE.

VODKA, SHASHLIK, CAVIAR,

STUFFED GOOSE, AND MORE VODKA.

FINE TALK FROM:

McKINLEY B. THOMPSON.

HONESTLY,

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

TWO YEARS AGO I LOOKED UP TO YOU AS

THE BEST REPORTER IN THE BUSINESS,

AND NOW LOOK AT YOU.

FACE THE FACTS, BABY. THERE

AIN'T NO NEWS IN RUSSIA.

OK, MAC.

I NEVER MINDED:

ANYTHING YOU DID,

NOT EVEN WHEN YOU

WALTZED OUT ON ME IN TOKYO

FOR A BOWLEGGED:

GEISHA GIRL.

SHE LOVED ME.

BUT I JUST CAN'T GET USED TO YOU

AS A NO-GOOD, INCOMPETENT PARTY BOY.

MR. THOMPSON,

YOU LIED TO ME.

HERR VON HOFER:

TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

YOU'RE NO LIKE HONEYMOONERS.

HE DESPISES YOU.

HONEYMOONERS. HA!

GET OUT OF HERE!

SEE? PLEASE

TO GET OUT.

NOBODY'S GETTING OU OF ANYWHERE!

NOW, LISTEN, YOU PRETZEL

DUSTER. THIS IS MY ROOM.

HELLO.

YES.

MR. THOMPSON, IF I CAME UP TO

SEE YOU NOW, WOULD YOU BE ALONE?

WHAT'S THAT?

GERMANY WHAT?

YOU DON'T SAY!

TANKS, HUH?

WHEN?

I SEE.

HMM!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND...

YOU'RE SURPRISED?

I'M KNOCKED FLAT!

HOLY IKE!

THANKS.

WHAT IS IT?

GERMANY JUS DECLARED WAR ON RUSSIA.

10 TANK DIVISIONS JUS MOVED INTO THE UKRAINE,

AND SCHNITZEL PUSS THERE

NEVER TOLD US A WORD ABOUT IT.

WHO WAS THA SPEAKING?

AMERICAN EMBASSY.

LIEBER HIMMEL.

GERMAN DOG!

OUT!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME,

YOU RUSSIAN DOG!

OUTSIDE, BEFORE

I KILL YOU!

I THOUGH YOU MIGHT NEED ME.

YOU THOUGHT RIGHT.

COME OVER HERE.

IT'S NICE OF YOU TO TAKE

SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME.

YOU'RE, UH... NOT A

BAD-LOOKING GIRL, ARE YOU?

LET'S GE A BETTER LOOK AT YOU.

MY GLASSES! PLEASE,

MR. THOMPSON.

YOU WON'T NEED

GLASSES FOR THIS.

HOW ABOUT A DRINK TO CEMEN A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP?

I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

PLEASE, MR. THOMPSON.

COME HERE.

I DO NOT WISH TO BE

A SILLY BOURGEOIS GIRL,

BUT YOU'RE GOING A LITTLE BI TOO FAST FOR ME, MR. THOMPSON.

THE 5-YEAR PLAN IS ALL

RIGHT FOR CERTAIN THINGS,

BUT NOT FOR THIS.

IS THIS GLASS FULL?

YEAH. THAT'S THE WAY

YOU DRINK IT.

IT'S GO CUCUMBERS IN IT.

LIKE BORSCHT!

AMERICAN BORSCHT.

I MADE IT MYSELF.

MAYBE YOU'RE

PLAYING JOKES ON ME.

LET'S CHANGE GLASSES.

DO YOU MIND?

I'VE NEVER SEEN A RUSSIAN

YET THAT WASN'T SUSPICIOUS.

IT'S PATHETIC.

IT'S BETTER

THAN BORSCHT.

I LIKE IT.

I CAN'T SEE

ANY CUCUMBERS.

YOU'LL SEE THEM

IN A MINUTE.

I LOVE:

AMERICANS BEST.

YEAH. YEAH. THAT'S ONE THING

YOU GOT TO HAND AMERICANS-

THEY'RE PERFECT.

PERFECT!

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,

PERFECT? NOTHING.

AMERICA IS PERFECT,

BUT RUSSIA IS BETTER.

WHY? YOU ASK.

BECAUSE RUSSIA:

HAS A SOUL.

AND WHA IS THIS SOUL?

IT IS SUFFERING:

AND BEAUTY.

YOU DON' UNDERSTAND.

YOU'VE

NEVER SUFFERED.

COMRADE, I WAN SOME MORE BORSCHT.

HELP YOURSELF.

EXCUSE ME.

HANG IT UP,

WILL YOU?

OH, MR. THOMPSON!

PLEASE, MR. THOMPSON. I'D LIKE

TO TALK TO YOU ALONE, IN PRIVATE.

OK, VANYA.

I LIKE:

AMERICANS BEST.

HA HA! HEE HEE!

AHH!

HA HA HA!

EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T WANT HER TO HEAR

WHAT I GOT TO SAY.

SHE'S A SPY.

YEAH, I KNOW.

EVERYBODY'S A SPY.

THAT'S WHY

I LIKE YOU, VANYA.

YOU'RE TOO DUMB

TO BE A SPY.

THANK YOU.

MR. THOMPSON, YOU NEVER MET MY DAUGHTER?

NO. I NEVER HAD

THE PLEASURE, VANYA.

OH, I LOVE HER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IN TROUBLE?

SHE IS:

IN TERRIBLE DANGER.

I'M SORRY

TO HEAR THAT.

WHAT'S SHE DONE?

SHE IS A COMMUNIST.

YOU DON'T SAY.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE

ALLOWED IN RUSSIA.

OH, THE WORST THING

YOU CAN BE.

AT FIRST,

THEY WERE VERY POPULAR.

THEY KILLED EVERYBODY.

BUT NOW WE HAVE IN RUSSIA

A DOUBLE SITUATION.

THE COMMUNISTS HAVE IDEALS, BUT THEY

FOUND OUT YOU CAN'T RUN A GOVERNMEN WITH EVERYBODY

GOING AROUND HAVING IDEALS.

SO WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THE COMMUNISTS ARE BEING EXECUTED

SO THAT COMMUNISM SHOULD SUCCEED.

YEAH. I KNOW.

THEY KEEP IT UP LONG ENOUGH,

IT'LL BE A GREAT COUNTRY.

MY DAUGHTER REFUSES

TO GIVE UP HER IDEALS.

ANY DAY, SHE MIGH BE DEAD, MR. THOMPSON-

HER AND HER IDEALS TOGETHER.

I WOULDN'T WORRY

TOO MUCH, VANYA.

THERE ARE LOTS OF RUSSIANS

THAT HAVEN'T BEEN SHOT.

OH, NOT MY GOLUBKA.

THE MINUTE THEY:

ASK HER QUESTIONS,

SHE WILL MAKE A SPEECH,

AND THEY SHOOT HER.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME

TO DO, MUZZLE HER?

NO.

YOU MUST TAKE HER OU OF RUSSIA, MR. THOMPSON.

THAT IS THE ONLY WAY

TO SAVE HER LIFE.

WELL, I'M SORRY, PAL, BUT I

DON'T HAPPEN TO BE LEAVING RUSSIA.

YES, YOU DO.

THAT'S WHA I'M TELLING YOU.

YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE HER

OUT OF RUSSIA TONIGHT.

YOU'RE CUCKOO, VANYA.

MR. THOMPSON, YOU ARE FORCING

ME TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

WITH THAT RADIO, VANYA?

CAMERAS ARE FORBIDDEN

IN MOSCOW.

SO WHAT?

SO THIS IS A CAMERA.

OK.

WHAT ELSE YOU GO ON YOUR MIND?

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I'LL BITE, VANYA.

WHO AM I?

MR. THOMPSON,

YOU ARE COMRADE X.

YOU DON'T SAY.

WHO PUT THIS HORRIBLE

IDEA IN YOUR HEAD, VANYA?

KILL ME, MR. THOMPSON.

IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD,

BECAUSE IF YOU KILL ME,

YOU HAVE STILL GOT MITKA.

MITKA?

WHO IS MITKA?

HE'S MY FRIEND.

HE'S WAITING

BY THE TELEPHONE NOW.

WE ARRANGED THAT IF I

DON'T CALL HIM UP BY 9:00

AND TELL HIM YOU ARE

GOING TO DO WHAT WE WANT,

HE'LL GO TO

THE POLICE QUICK.

AND WHAT WILL THIS STOOGE PAL

OF YOURS TELL THE POLICE, VANYA?

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