Comrade X Page #3

EVERYTHING.

ABOUT THE THINGS I FIND IN YOUR

POCKETS WHEN I AM PRESSING YOUR PANTS

AND ABOU THAT HANDKERCHIEF.

WHAT HANDKERCHIEF?

HE WILL SHOW THEM

YOUR HANDKERCHIEF,

THE ONE THAT HAS ALWAYS INK

ON IT AND THAT HAS HOLES IN IT,

AND HE WILL SHOW THEM HOW,

IF YOU PUT THAT HANDKERCHIEF

OVER THE STORIES

YOU SEND TO AMERICA,

COMES OU SOMETHING DIFFERENT-

COMES OUT STORIES

BY COMRADE X.

THAT'S WHY YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE

MY DAUGHTER OUT OF RUSSIA TONIGHT,

MR. COMRADE X!

OK, FLEA FACE.

HOW MUCH FOR YOU,

AND HOW MUCH FOR MITKA?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I DON'T WANT MONEY.

I WANT YOU:

TO SAVE MY DAUGHTER.

MR. THOMPSON, I DON'T WAN YOU TO DIE, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

I'M A FATHER.

WHERE IS THIS MITKA?

HE'S WAITING

BY THE TELEPHONE NOW.

WHAT TELEPHONE?

NO, NO,

MR. THOMPSON.

DO WHAT YOU WANT.

I WILL NEVER TELL.

LISTEN, VANYA, IF I'M

GOING TO DO THIS THING,

I'VE GOT TO KNOW

WHO THIS MITKA IS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

TELL HIM TO COME OVER HERE,

AND WE'LL ALL HAVE A CONFERENCE.

THIS IS A BIG JOB.

I NEED HIS HELP.

HE SOUNDS LIKE:

A BRIGHT FELLA.

NO, MR. THOMPSON.

WHAT DO:

YOU MEAN, NO?

IN 10 MINUTES,

ALL WILL BE OVER.

WHAT WILL BE OVER?

YOU, ME, GOLUBKA-

EVERYTHING.

IN 10 MINUTES, MITKA

WILL BE BY THE POLICE.

YOU BUMBLE-HEAD MANIAC.

WELL, OK. YOU WIN.

IF I TAKE HER OUT, YOU'LL CALL IT QUITS

- YOU AND MITKA?

YES.

DOES SHE WAN TO GET OUT?

OH, NO!

SHE LOVES RUSSIA.

THAT'S FINE.

WHERE IS SHE NOW?

SHE IS ON THE STREETCAR.

TELL HER TO COME

AND SEE ME.

SHE CAN'T LEAVE THE CAR.

WHY NOT?

SHE IS A MOTORMAN.

SO THE DEAL IS, I GET AN

OBSTINATE LADY MOTORMAN

OUT OF A COUNTRY SHE

DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE.

YES.

WELL, OK.

CALL HIM UP.

WHAT SHALL:

I TELL MITKA?

YOU CAN TELL HIM

THAT McKINLEY B. THOMPSON

IS THE BIGGEST HORSE'S NECK THA EVER HAD A CAN TIED TO HIS TAIL.

HOLY IKE.

AFTER OUTWITTING

THE WHOLE RUSSIAN POLICE,

I END UP TAKING ORDERS FROM TWO

OF THE DUMBEST MUSCOVITES ON EARTH.

THERE SHE IS.

STOP!

SHE'LL ONLY STOP

FOR A SECOND.

HELLO, BABY.

I DON'T LIKE TO STAND HERE

BOTHERING YOU LIKE THIS

WHEN YOU'RE SO BUSY, GOLUBKA,

BUT I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

MY NAME IS THEODORE.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE

THEODORE TO ME.

I WAS NAMED:

AT THE WORKERS' COUNCIL.

SOMEBODY DIDN'T HAVE

HIS GLASSES ON.

IT IS NOT GLASSES.

IT IS THE LAW.

STREETCARS MUST BE

DRIVEN BY MALES.

THAT'S WHY

THEY CHANGED ME.

I'M GLAD THEY DIDN' GRAFT A BEARD ON YOU.

OK. IF YOU WAN TO BE THEODORE.

YOU WERE:

WITH MY FATHER?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

HE THINKS BECAUSE I'M RUNNING

A STREETCAR HE CAN RIDE FREE-

HE AND HIS FRIENDS.

YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY.

20 KOPECKS, PLEASE.

PUT IN HERE.

AH, RUSSIA.

WHAT IS THE MATTER

WITH IT?

I'M SAYING

GOOD-BYE TO IT.

IT'S LIKE SAYING GOOD-BYE

TO A WOMAN YOU LOVE,

NEVER GOING TO:

SEE AGAIN.

YOU LOVE RUSSIA?

OH, IT'S MY WHOLE LIFE.

YOU KNOW, I SAID

TO YOUR FATHER,

"VANYA, I WANT TO SPEND

MY LAST NIGHT IN RUSSIA

ON A STREETCAR:

AMONG THE MASSES."

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

YOU'RE AN AMERICAN.

PLEASE. PLEASE. I DON' WANT TO THINK OF THAT NOW.

I READ IN THE PRAVDA

10 MILLION PEOPLE

STARVED TO DEATH LAS WINTER IN THE UNITED STATES,

AND THERE WAS NOBODY

TO BURY THEM.

BURY THEM?

THEY DON'T BURY PEOPLE IN THE

UNITED STATES. THEY BURN THEM.

NATION OF THIEVES.

YES. YES. THAT'S WHA I'M GOING BACK TO.

EVER HEAR OF:

THE BROOKLYN DODGERS?

NO.

THEY GET MURDERED

EVERY DAY.

MURDERED? WHAT FOR?

FOR MAKING:

SOME LITTLE ERRORS.

THERE MUST BE A:

REVOLUTION SOON IN AMERICA.

NO. YOU CAN' HAVE A REVOLUTION

WITH PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN

HOT DOGS AND BOOGIE-WOOGIE.

EXCUSE, PLEASE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING OF, COMRADE.

YOU'RE THINKING YOU WILL

NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN.

NEVER.

IT IS:

A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.

YOU LIKE NATURE?

DO YOU HAVE TO:

TAKE IT BACK RIGHT AWAY?

WHO?

THE STREETCAR.

OH, HIM. RUBICK

TAKES HIM BACK.

YOU ARE:

IN A HURRY?

WELL, I GOT TO LEAVE

IN THE MORNING.

COME. WE'LL WAI FOR RUBICK TOGETHER.

COMRADE,

PLEASE DON'T BE SAD.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO LIVE

FOR, EVEN IN AMERICA.

CAREFUL, PLEASE!

IT IS FULL OF HOLES.

THE PROBLEM OF TAKING AWAY THE MASSES

FROM BOOGIE-WOOGIE

IS A DIFFICULT ONE.

YES, IT IS.

YOU'RE THINKING

OF THAT?

WHAT I WAS:

THINKING IS, UH...

WHY DON'T YOU COME

TO AMERICA WITH ME?

YES. I WAS THINKING

OF THAT, TOO.

YOU WERE?

I FEEL SORRY:

FOR AMERICA.

I WOULD LIKE:

TO HELP IT.

YOU COULD.

YES. I COULD HELP THOSE

PEOPLE IN BROOKLYN.

WHAT IS THEIR NAME?

THE-THE DODGERS.

AH.

I COULD HELP THEM.

THEODORE,

I MADE UP MY MIND.

YOU'D DO MORE GOOD FOR COMMUNISM IN

AMERICA THAN ANYONE SINCE COLUMBUS.

NO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?

I CANNO LEAVE RUSSIA.

KARL MARX LEFT RUSSIA.

HE WAS NEVER:

IN RUSSIA.

AHEM.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

OH, I SEE.

YOU'D BE BETTER THAN KARL

MARX. YOU'RE PRETTIER.

OH, YOU'RE-YOU'RE

MAKING FUN OF ME.

NO. I'M JUST SPEAKING FROM

A PRACTICAL POINT OF VIEW.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEEN WRONG WITH

COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA IN AMERICA?

WHAT CAN BE WRONG

WITH IT?

TOO MANY CROSS-EYED PEOPLE

WITH WHISKERS PEDDLING IT.

OH, YOU MEAN

INTELLECTUALS.

THAT'S RIGHT. COMRADE,

IT'S AN INSPIRATION.

WHAT IS?

ONE BEAUTIFUL GIRL WITH THE SMILE OF

AN ANGEL WHISPERING "I LOVE RUSSIA"

IS WORTH A WHOLE WAGONLOAD

OF INTELLECTUALS.

BEAUTY IS NOTHING.

YES, YES. I AGREE

WITH YOU, COMRADE.

I HAVE NO USE FOR BEAUTY IN

A WOMAN... UH, TO SPEAK OF...

UNLESS SHE IS:

FULL OF IDEALS.

WHY, A WOMAN LIKE YOU

COULD USE HER BEAUTY-

NOT TO ENSLAVE FOOLS,

BUT TO SET MEN FREE.

WHAT IS:

YOUR PROPOSITION?

WELL, I SAY WE GO TOGETHER

AND WORK FOR THE CAUSE.

WOULD YOU WANT ME TO

GO AS A MOTORMAN?

NO. AS A WOMAN.

THERE.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

THAT'S WHAT THE CAUSE

IN AMERICA NEEDS,

JUST WHAT YOU'RE

DOING RIGHT NOW.

WHAT AM I DOING?

SMILING.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULDN' SELL WITH A SMILE LIKE THAT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YOU ARE THE FIRST AMERICAN

I'VE EVER MET WITH A SOUL.

IT HAS A STRANGE

EFFECT ON ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

AMERICAN MEN:

ARE USUALLY ALL ALIKE,

ALL INTERESTED:

IN ONLY ONE THING.

MONEY.

WORSE THAN THAT.

AHEM. THE, UH...

THE RIGHTS OF THE MASSES

MEAN NOTHING TO THEM.

LIKE ANIMALS:

WITHOUT SOULS.

YES. WHY, OVER THERE,

MEN LOOK ON WOMEN AS...

AS JUST TOYS TO HAVE

FUN WITH, NOTHING MORE-

NOT TO EXCHANGE VIEWS ON ECONOMICS

WITH AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

THAT'S AWFUL.

MAKES ME FEEL SAD.

ME, TOO.

THE BLUE FAIRY.

AHEM. WHERE WERE WE?

I WAS JUST SAYING I COULD

DO A LOT OF GOOD IN AMERICA.

YES. SO YOU WERE.

HEY! WAIT A

MINUTE! TELL HIM TO STOP.

HEY!

WHY?

SO WE CAN:

RIDE BACK WITH HIM.

BUT OFFICIALS ARE NO ALLOWED TO RIDE IN STREETCARS.

THAT'S WHA MAKES GRAFT.

WHAT?

WE WILL WALK.

TO MOSCOW?

THAT'S 7 MILES!

WHAT DOES IT MATTER? WE

HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

AH, I'M SO HAPPY.

COMRADE, HAVE YOU

READ BASAROFF'S BOOK

THE IRON LAW:

OF OVERPRODUCTION?

NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M GLAD.

I WILL RECITE IT TO YOU SO

YOU WON'T HAVE TO READ IT.

THE FIRST CHAPTER

OF BASAROFF'S BOOK

IS CALLED:

"DARK CLOUDS."

IT BEGINS LIKE THIS.

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