Confessions Of A Shopaholic Page #6

And Fluke would love you in that dress.

Don't talk about Fluke.

Why? What happened?

Alicia B*tch Longlegs is what happened.

I hate her. Who is she?

She's the girl with

the perfect everything.

Well, well, Luke is a raging moron.

He's gonna be so bummed

when you show up

at the ball looking like

a total knockout in that dress.

You're gonna be a total hottie.

It's perfect. All I have to do now

is buy a new bag.

Oh, my God. Bex, there has to be

a bag somewhere in this room.

Suze, do not open that closet!

Oh, Suze! Suze!

Suze, are you there?

Oh. Oh, my God.

You didn't throw anything away, did you?

I'm sorry.

OK. I know what you need.

My name is Joyce,

and I'm a shopaholic.

My name is Joyce,

and I'm a shopaholic.

- Hi, Joyce.

- How's it going?

Thank you. I'm the wife

of a textile importer.

My husband found my secret stash

in the linen closet.

Yeah, he found all of my cruisewear,

and now he says that

there won't be a cruise!

- Oh.

- OK, hang in there, Joyce.

What about you, Ryuichi?

How was your week?

My name is Ryuichi,

and I'm shopaholic.

Hi, Ryuichi.

It is six months, three weeks

and four days since

I last used my credit card.

- Oh!

- Ryuichi!

That is just wonderful.

You're an inspiration to all of us.

Did you hear that, Joyce?

What about you, Mr. Freak?

My name is D. Freak.

Uh, I'm a shopaholic.

- Hi, Freak.

- Welcome.

I'm also a former NBA player.

We'll get back to that.

Um, I cracked at Cartier today.

How many did you buy this time?

Uh... I got seven.

One for every different day of the week.

See, I got the Santos.

And I got...

Keep comin' back, OK? Give him

some support. Keep comin' back.

Which store?

Rebecca, why don't you share your story.

Um... Hello, everybody.

Uh, I'm Rebecca Bloomwood.

Hi, Rebecca.

I just actually came here

as a favor to a friend.

Uh, I mean, I like shopping.

Is there anything so wrong with that?

I mean, stores are put there to enjoy.

Uh, the experience is enjoyable.

Well, more than enjoyable.

It's... It's beautiful.

The sheen of silk,

draped across a mannequin.

Oh, the smell of

new Italian leather shoes.

Italian leather shoes, that's the best.

Oh... The rush you feel

when you swipe your card.

And it's approved.

And it all belongs to you!

OK, Rebecca.

Thank you for sharing.

The joy you feel when

you've bought something,

and it's just you and the shopping.

- You and shopping.

- Ryuichi!

All you have to do

is hand over a little card.

- Yes!

- Pull it together!

Isn't that the best feeling

in the world?

- Yeah.

- Don't you wanna

- shout it from the mountaintops?

- That's real talk.

And you feel so...

confident and alive...

- And happy?

- And happy!

- And warm.

- And warm!

- What's going on here?

- I need to buy a new bag.

- I have to impress Alette Naylor.

- Get a watch to go with that bag.

Oh, there's a sale at

Catherine Malandrino.

- You're like my soul sister.

- Don't let her...

I have to go. Good luck, everybody.

They have shoe?

- You sit down.

- My will is strong.

My wallet is closed.

I do not want to shop.

Ah!

Oh, what's in this box?

Have I seen absolutely everything?

Sparkles.

Oh, I love sparkles.

Do you have any more in the back?

You. You! Oh!

I'm sorry.

Get it away from me!

Get it all away from me!

Not those! Oh, my God.

Alicia! Mmm. You look stunning.

Hey. I want you to meet Luke Brandon.

- From Successful Saving.

- The magazine looks great now.

There she is.

OK, do not panic.

Hello, Alette.

Since I was 14 I wanted

to work at your magazine...

Rebecca. You look so cute.

- You're unraveling.

- What?

- What?

- Tsk. Shame.

Hi.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

Oh, please.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Isn't she adorable?

- Uh, yes. Adorable.

Oh, oh, oh!

Woo!

Now, dear. I need a glass

of champagne right now.

- Coming right up.

- And I'll have a gin and tonic.

Absolutely.

I'm intrigued to meet

this Girl in the Green Scarf.

- Potential TV star, I hear.

- That's right, yes.

They want her

on the Morning Coffee show.

I think Rebecca

would be great on television.

She's... She's hard to ignore.

- Excuse me!

- Are those plates presentable?

- Plates are beautiful.

- Do not talk back! Take it and go!

Bus your tables,

come right back! Move it!

I should read this Green Scarf Girl.

It seems she's very la mode, hmm?

- Real poise.

- Hey!

What are you?

What are you doing?

Oh. I need a gin and tonic

and some champagne, please.

What are you, a drunk?

Put that back!

On your feet, Goldilocks.

Do you know how short-staffed we are?

- I need food on tables now. Go!

- No, no, no. I need to get...

- Six more, please!

- Oh! I'm not a waitress.

I know you're not, honey.

You're an actress. I get it.

I do. Now go, go,

go, go, go!

What are you doing?

Go out there and serve the fish!

- Oh!

- You! Serve this table. Do it.

- Ms. Bloomwood.

- Yes.

- I'll have the trout, please.

- I'll have the salmon.

- Do you have low-fat dressing?

- I'm not a waitress.

- Ms. Bloomwood!

- OK. Salmon here.

- This is the famous Ms. Bloomwood?

- The waitress?

Ms. Bloomwood!

Just put it down and sit!

Sit. Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Sorry. Oh!

- Sit down, Rebecca.

- Jacket!

Right, uh, ladies and gentlemen,

tonight we will be serving...

...the, uh, brook trout

and wild smoked salmon.

Mrs. West, you'll be pleased

to hear that the fish from this region

is a particularly powerful aphrodisiac.

- Oh.

- Mmm. Give her two.

Oh, Mr. Brandon, you serve

as if you've served all your life.

Oh, paid my way

through college waiting tables.

Coincidentally,

that fish weighs the same

- as the girl on your last cover.

- Ooh!

Oh, Alicia, remind me.

Were you a salmon or a trout?

You were a trout.

Oh... Thanks for saving me in there.

So have you filled

your photo frames yet?

No. Not yet.

You could put a picture

of Alicia in one.

Except there probably

wouldn't be room

for her spidery long legs.

You know, I've always felt that

spidery long legs were vastly overrated.

I thought she was your girlfriend.

No. She's not my girlfriend.

She's not you.

Erica, you get her on the phone,

you pretend she's your

best friend in the world.

You find out how she got

in this terrible situation.

How did she get so far behind?

Then you take that information

and you use it against her.

What are her motivators? Pride?

Integrity? Honor? Fear?

Tell her she'll lose everything.

Slap a lien on her house.

Tell her we'll print it in the papers.

Gotta take her

to the edge of the cliff.

Let her think you're gonna push

her over and at the last minute,

pull her back and get

what you want out of her.

That, Erica, is how you earn

a commission.

Lesson over.

I need Successful Saving.

Lesson over.

I need Successful Saving.

Excuse me.

Derek Smeath. Hello? Hello...

Elevators. Thank goodness for redial.

Do not answer

this call, it's Derek Smeath.

Do not answer this call,

it's Derek Smeath.

Do not answer this call,

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