Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber Page #3

Spare me the Sylvia Plath.

The oven's electric.

Lemme guess. Hans?

Listen to me, he's a no-good|German cheapskate!

You need a boyfriend|who's going to love you...

no matter how much you cost!

Now am I right or am I right?

Smile.

Do it.

Do it.

Since ninth grade, when|I took you under my wing...

have I ever steered|you wrong?

-Well...|-Other than the home perm thing?

Good. Then let's not|cry over spilled German.

-Come on.|-What?

Now on to more|pressing issues...

I need you to call Dove Greenstein|and pretend to be my assistant.

Don't you have an assistant?

But not with your wit, or your|charm, or unique flair.

I get it, I get it.

You need your gay assistant|to call, I understand.

Dial the number.|Watch the magic, baby.

This is why we're friends.

Okay, it's ringing.

Greenstein residence.

Hi. This is Ferguson from|Katya Livingston's office.

-With whom am I speaking?|-This is Laurie.

-Hi Laurie, how are you?|-Fine, and you?

I'm doing fine|thank you very much.

Laurie look, we were just|going over Katya's schedule...

we were wondering, she didn't|get an invite to the Royal Ball...

-We're hoping it was some sort of...|-Probably was some sort of oversight.

Probably some sort of oversight.|That's what we were thinking.

-Will you please hold?|-I will absolutely hold.

You want to thank me now?

Hi, Fergie is it?|This is Dove Greenstein.

Miss Greenstein,|how are you?

Just so you hear it from the horse's|mouth. There's been no oversight.

There's been no oversight?

Dove, darling?|Hi, it's Katya.

I just caught the tail end of your|conversation with my assistant.

What seems to be the trouble?

Katya, darling.|There's no trouble.

I was just explaining how we didn't|include you on our guest list.

You know how|these things are, dear.

We had to|cut it off somewhere...

so we cut it off at those|who'd slept with our husbands.

But you made so much money|off the infidelity clause!

I know, but when you leaked|my real age to the Gazette...

-Dove, no one's 29.|-I am!

Anyways, now that the Sultan of|Brunei is bringing his harem...

well, we're absolutely|at capacity.

But take care dear.|Good to chat.

Are you okay?

No! The Sultan of Brunai|is bringing his hoes...

and I'm not invited!

So what are you going to do?

Sweetie...

it's electric. Remember?

Oh my God. I'm going|to get a huge fine.

I'll fix it for you.

Here, hold this.

-Alright. Thanks.|-Thank you.

Going up?

You're so uncool!

Met Thor the love God|in elevator today.

Electric Smile teeth whitener|thirty five dollars.

And quit smoking|again.

,Hoping he works|in the building.

Got to get Eliza to help me|hunt him down.

Please God, don't|let him be married.

Darling, can you get me|a list of every man under 35...

on the fourth floor?

My future husband works there.

You found someone who lives|up to your expectations?

At least in the looks|department he's very leading man.

Katya. Forget about|a fantasy guy.

What if I set you up|with my attorney?

You want me to go out with somebody|who specializes in personal injury?

He's at the top|of his field.

Trust me,|he's a catch.

Then why don't you|date him?

I forgot,|Curse of Namambo.

And the fact|that he eats meat.

You don't want to go out with him|because he's not a vegetarian...

and I don't want to go out|with him because I'm engaged.

Fourth floor, remember?

Come on.

Look who's late.

Is that a mirage, or are|you really wearing a parka?

I was trying|to dress 'accordingly.'

-Igloo's so last week.|-The ice age is so over.

So, how was your|grovel-fest with Dove?

It was a disaster.

I should've known that|b*tch would hold a grudge.

She retains everything else.

Do I smell|something burning?

Is something burning?

-It was me.|-It was you.

The only way I'm going to get into this|ball is to be someone's 'plus one?'

Sorry. My ex won|the 'plus one' in the divorce.

Hey, guys.

Teddy, darling, since when|did you start working here?

Since I got frost bite|at Igloo.

So, have you|read my opus yet?

I did. Yeah.

In fact, I mailed it|to the NEA.

No, but I wanted to proof it!|It's a $25,000 grant.

No need.

Thanks, I guess.

No thanks necessary,|just Sand-tinis.

Coming right up.

His book was terrible.

So I just chucked it and|submitted my tax journal instead.

You did what?

At least someone has a chance|to win the twenty-five grand.

Now believe me, I did him|and the NEA a favor.

-So now he owes you one?|-Precisely.

It's too bad he didn't get|invited to the Royal Ball.

Of course not.|He's a nobody.

-Oh my God!|-What?

You just thought of a 'nobody'|who might actually be invited.

Who?

Bobby, my ex. He was|Dove and Fawn's dealer.

-Art?|-Drug.

Don't you have a restraining|order against him, sweetie?

Didn't he tattoo 'I Love|Katya' on his back?

He lasered that off|I think.

You know he's crazy for you.|Like literally crazy for you.

You're no one in this town,|unless you have a stalker.

Bobby,|my actor ex-boyfriend...

played Ewok 4 in Return of|the Jedi with such promise.

Now he's a rabbit.

Want to come to my place|and hump like bunnies?

You big silly rabbit...

that's right,|tricks are for Katya.

Somebody's excited to|see me, Bobby.

Who's Bobby?

-What?|-Who's Bobby?

You're not Bobby?|Get out!

Why does this always|happen to me?

Bobby, darling,|guess who?

Want to come over tonight?

Looks like Cinderella was finally|getting closer to her Ball.

My shrink said|I shouldn't see you.

-You're bad for my mental well being.|-He just wants your money.

-You're not gonna call the cops...|-I invited you here.

So how's the acting|thing going?

Real good. I got|the bunny character down.

In rehab, they said sex might not|be the same without the drugs.

-But with you, it's still magic.|-Rehab?

Six months at Healing Horizons.|I'm clean as a whistle.

-So, you don't deal anymore?|-No. I'm a changed man.

So, you don't see|Dove and Fawn anymore?

Those girls are bad news.

So, you're not invited|to the Royal Ball?

No. What's with|the inquisition, honey?

Nothing.

I just have a quick|phone call to make.

But I love you, Katya,|I love you!

-Thank you, officer.|-But you promised!

Must find a new way|into Ball...

as chariot just turned|into pumpkin.

No expenses worth reporting,|except for the cost of my dignity.

-Could you shut the door?|-We'll always be together, forever.

Knit, one. Pearl, two.

-Good morning.|-Good morning.

Wait! Organic prunes.

-Organic prunes.|-That'll keep me regular.

How was your date last night?

It ended in handcuffs|as usual. Yours?

He broke his ankle, but|at least he's not suing.

Look! You got|a postcard from Sabelo!

-Who?|-Your adopted son!

I was wondering when he was|going to ask for more money.

Listen, I'll be|in my other office.

You are not allowed in|Mr. Cosgrove's office!

I need a moment alone|with my son!

Dear Katya, thank you|for adopting me...

and sending me|your wonderful letter.

You sound fun.

Is it true that if I stopped|listening to the missionaries...

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