Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen Page #2

other as soon as their eyes met.

Dad was like a rock star.

Mom was a babe.

The rest was destiny.

They got married.

And then they camped in the

desert and counted the stars.

One million and three.

One million and four.

Jeez. My parents went

on a cruise to Bermuda,

but they were afraid

to get off the boat.

Mine were in love.

Deeply, movingly.

The only thing that could have

made their lives better

was having me.

Even as an infant

I aspired to have a relationship

just like theirs.

And then the twins

were conceived,

and we couldn't have been

more thrilled.

Upon hearing the news,

my father mounted

his really cool motorcycle

to buy the mother of his child

and future children

her favorite flowers.

Suddenly...

Aah!

They found him strewn

across 9th Avenue.

And 10th.

Lola, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

Ironic, isn't it?

Your parents think my mother

is the destroyer

of our social order.

She's merely a victim of fate.

What?

Nothing.

I like the chopsticks

in your hair.

Because Carla Santini

thinks she's Julia Roberts

and the universe is interested

in everything she says,

you can't help overhearing her.

So I had this really long talk

with Miss Baggoli yesterday

about the drama club's

production of "Pygmalion."

I told her I think it's really

rigid to stick to the original.

Not stick to the original?

Not stick to the exquisite words

of Mr. George Bernard Shaw?

We're not English,

and this isn't the 19th century,

so I think we should adapt the

classics to reflect our times.

They're classics

because they're classic.

Then I told her about my idea

to move the location

to present-day New York

and make Eliza a checkout girl.

You're gonna be playing Eliza?

Well, of course.

I've already got the part.

When I moved to Deadwood,

I really felt that a legend

was about to be born.

Was Carla Santini going to

stand in the way of that birth?

Miss Baggoli, Miss Baggoli!

I didn't know "Pygmalion"

had already been cast.

I would have loved to be

Eliza Doolittle.

Maybe if I could

just prove it to you now.

Oh, no, no, Lola.

I just put the notice up

on the board.

Auditions are not until Friday.

Thank you, Miss Baggoli.

George Bernard Shaw

is a great playwright.

And he's also a vegetarian.

You're just in time, Lola.

Quickly.

I'm telling all the others

about this idea that I have had

for our production

of "Pygmalion."

Now, as you know,

"Pygmalion" is a play

which takes place

in old-timey London.

My idea is that we will set

our production of "Pygmalion"

in modern-day New York.

And Eliza will be a checkout

girl at a supermarket,

And Professor Higgins will be

a professor at NYU.

That is such a brilliant idea.

That's gonna give

the play new resonance

and immediacy for today.

You mean it was your idea?

Yes, Lola, it's my idea.

I know I'm just a teacher,

but I am capable of thought.

Now, since we're going hip

and modern,

I have also added

contemporary songs.

And I am calling it

"Eliza Rocks"!

Now, each of you will be singing

a song for me of your choice,

and then you'll be reading

a scene for me.

But I haven't rehearsed

a song or anything.

I'm simply not prepared.

That's fine.

You can just wing it.

But acting is my chosen career.

I mean,

I intend to be in theater.

I don't want anyone remembering

a substandard audition.

Then how are we to proceed?

I guess I'll try, of course.

Perhaps you could try now.

You could go first.

Okay.

Take a spot on the stage.

Anywhere you're comfortable.

Maybe if we're lucky,

she'll fall.

I'd like to sing a song

by my favorite band,

Sidarthur.

Self-doubt didn't kick in

until the morning

when I woke up with a heart as

cold and heavy as Mt. Everest.

It was the day

the cast list went up.

Why had I been so certain

I was going to get the lead?

Miss Baggoli didn't say

anything encouraging.

Carla smiled.

Well, look what the wind

blew in.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Ladies.

After you.

Right.

After me.

Unh!

Ow.

Well, once again,

I got the part that I wanted.

-Oh!

-Oh!

There are no small parts,

only small actors.

You can quote me.

I'm your new Eliza!

Aah!

Amazing!

I didn't think I'd get it,

but I did.

I didn't think that,

because I knew you'd get it.

No, 'cause I was...

Actually, my part,

the one of Mrs. Higgins,

is much more interesting

than Eliza's in many ways.

I mean, even though

she's not the female lead,

it's a part with depth

and true contemporary resonance.

It's the one that I wanted.

Good, 'cause that's

the one you got.

I'll show you what it's like

to be in my school.

Is that a threat?

Absolutely.

To "Eliza Rocks"!

To "Eliza Rocks"!

Oh, man.

-Congratulations.

-This is the best day.

I can't imagine that

Carla got beat out!

Hey, Sidarthur

fans, how about some big news?

You heard it here first.

The band is breaking up.

-What?

-Yep, Sidarthur is no more.

I repeat, no more.

Stu Wolff is moving on

and saying,

"Never, never, will I work

with them again."

So, in memory of the band,

Iet's hear a track

from "Always Morning."

No!

It can't be!

It just can't be!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

What?

What's the matter?

I can't breathe.

Mom, I can't breathe.

I heard.

Thanks for being here

at a time like this.

I don't want to believe it.

I made these flyers to hand out

to fans urging them to protest.

As these balloons

go to the heavens,

so do the stars of our Sidarthur

mix among the stars

of our universe.

Symbolically, of course.

Can you believe this?

One of the most

catastrophic events

in the history of the universe

has occurred,

and everyone's acting

as if nothing has happened.

Great.

Me again, of course.

So, who's next?

Me.

Are you crazy?

Carla's the all-time champion.

So? There's gonna be

a new all-time champion.

I think you've peaked.

Hop on.

Round one.

My father, who, as you know,

is the lawyer for Sidarthur,

just called me to tell me what

he found out about the band.

Oh, really?

What he told me isn't available

to the public yet.

Sidarthur's having a farewell

concert in New York next month.

Daddy already has V.I.P. seats,

but that's not the best part.

I didn't think it would be.

There's gonna be a party

afterwards at Stu's loft

for all of Sidarthur's

closest friends.

So I've heard.

And guess who already

has an invitation?

It just so happens

that Ella and I do.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, really.

How'd you manage that?

Same way you did.

Through parental connections.

What connections do you have

other than the phone?

Winner.

Me again.

Loser.

Game's not over yet.

Round two.

Actually, my mother

has the connections.

Marsh Warner bought a piece

from her last summer.

And Marshie, as I call him,

is their manager.

I know who he is.

He remembered I was crazy about

Sidarthur, so he got us invited.

Wow, your mom

must be some potter.

Winner.

Me, Lola Steppe.

Remember that name.

Loser.

Awesome!

Why did you tell Carla that

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