Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk

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1

What do you see here?

Oh the earth

is a gift to us.

A gift for us to cultivate.

And to reflect on,

you gave it to us.

Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.

(wind chimes ringing)

(soft music) (wind chimes ringing)

(dramatic music)

[Gabe] This all happened

because of a Sear's catalog.

Dad likes it when I do this.

Touch them.

That's better.

Do you have a boner now?

Can you just put it, put

your clothes back on please?

(heavy sighing)

You Jehovah's are no fun.

Do you want to play Stop Time?

I'm smoking.

And since Christ is our

mediator, we conclude prayers

by saying in Jesus name, amen.

[Elder] Thank you Brother Dagsland.

Good job son.

[Elder] Would anyone else like

to comment on that paragraph?

I have to go to the bathroom please.

Come straight back, just there and back.

All right then let's move on

to Matthew chapter five verse 27.

You have heard that it

was said that you shall not

commit adultery, but

I say to you that every

one that looks at a woman with lust for her

has committed adultery

with her in his heart.

If your right eye makes you stumble,

tear it out and throw it away from you.

For it is better to lose one of the parts

of your body than for your whole body

to be thrown into Gehenna.

And witnesses for Jehovah.

(water running)

I'm at Jehovah's place of worship,

I'm on holy ground and

I'm thinking of breasts.

(loud banging)

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

It's because of last night.

She made me drink, she got me drunk,

then she demanded that I touch them.

It's not a sin is it?

It was breast rape, it's her fault.

She breast raped me.

I'm fine with God and I'm gonna

make it through Armageddon.

(heavy breathing)

[Preacher] We have to keep our minds clean.

Because if we dwell on

the filth of this earth,

we're putting ourselves in (baby crying)

a very, very, can you

please take her outside?

(baby crying)

Thank you.

(bells ringing)

And that explains string theory.

Any questions?

No, then it's time for a pop quiz.

(students ahing)

Ah yeah, close your books.

No notes, no talking to your

neighbors, you know the drill.

This is not a team sport.

You guys can do it,

come on, I know, I know.

- We just went over everything.

- Hey.

- So if you don't

- Hey.

[Teacher] Know what it is.

Could I borrow a pencil?

- Yeah.

- You must've been sleeping.

Sure.

[Cheerleader] Thanks.

[Teacher] And voila.

All right, you guys got five minutes.

(students talking)

[Student] Adios guys.

[Student] Adios.

[Peter] Hey.

[Gabe] Hey, what'd they say?

[Student] They're cool.

They said I should get some Brixton

wheels because they're faster.

Cool, my dad says he'll get me a board

after I memorize the books of the Bible.

[Peter] What is this?

[Gabe] Is that from Jennifer?

What's it say?

Peter, tell your stupid

friend Gabe to stop obsessing

over Jasmine when Camille

clearly likes him, love Jennifer.

Okay stop lying, what's it really say?

Seriously, you should ask her out.

She might even let you kiss her.

Besides, people are gonna think you're gay

if you don't have a girlfriend.

[Gabe] What about Kien?

[Peter] Well he's Asian, and Vietnamese

people don't have gays.

[Kien] There are gay Vietnamese you know.

[Peter] First of all I don't know

what (voice trailing off).

[Announcer] In the 1950s,

Khrushchev predicted,

we will bury you.

[Gabe] Joshua, Judges, Ruth.

[Announcer] A free world

that is achieved a level

of prosperity and well being

unprecedented in all of human history.

In the communist world, we see failure,

technological backwardness...

(jazz music) (music drowning out TV)

[Dad] Honey, can you turn up the knob?

(jazz music)

(knocking on door)

How long have you been in there.

Oh almost done.

[Dad] Gabriel is this door locked?

What are you doing with that?

I thought they sold skateboards.

(doorbell ringing)

Hello, we are offering the

latest issue of Truth Magazine.

Can I offer you a copy?

They don't have to be mean and bad,

we're just trying to help them.

I love your attitude.

You really care about worldly people.

[Gabe] Jasmine, do you

love me like I love you?

A wind from God lifts up her dress and lets

me see the small beauty

mark on her lower thigh.

Gabe, why don't you take

the next door with me.

And Jasmine you can go with Sister Sorisho.

[Sister Sorisho] So you

guys getting a new house?

[Elder] Observe your technique.

(knocking on door)

[Lady] Just a second!

Hello there, how are you today?

Have you ever considered that you

could live forever in paradise earth?

In this copy of the latest Truth Magazine,

it shows how we can all

live forever in paradise.

Can we offer you a copy?

Thanks.

Thank you.

Have a great day.

You too.

[Gabe Voice Over] We preach to give people

salvation and to find souls who are

searching for the truth about Jesus.

Do you need more room?

Oh.

My salvation was sitting right next to me.

She emanated the scent

of a fragrant perfume.

The breeze blew her hair onto my shoulder.

(inhaling deeply)

If I could only stop time.

It's called Stop Time.

Touch my fingers and close your eyes,

now we can go anywhere we want.

(horn honking)

Hey Gabe, why don't you come sit up front.

I'll take you to see Bill, my Bible study.

All right.

(loud radio static)

(upbeat music)

Do you see that house there?

Now they told us to never come back again.

But after Armageddon, a Jehovah's Witness

can move right in there.

Can even be your family.

God bless the Lord

Bless the name of the Lord

Be blessed forever more

Did you know that the Bible actually

mentions the sport of tennis?

Moses served in the court of Pharaoh.

You get it.

Right in the court of Pharaoh,

it means different things.

Let's go over last week's study.

What is the world?

[Bill] The world is the people that

are not Jehovah's Witnesses.

[Elder] Very good, and

who's the ruler of the world?

[Bill] Satan.

[Elder] Can you give me a

scripture to back that up.

[Bill] 1 John 5:
19.

That's excellent.

You're on your way to

becoming a Jehovah's Witness.

Now if we aren't for God, who are we for?

We're for Satan, and against God.

That's very good Bill, that's very good.

Now are you for God or are you for Satan?

Bill, are you for God or are you for Satan?

I hate Satan,

but I'm for Satan.

What are you talking about?

I mean I might be for God

now, it's been four days.

Four days since what?

I got drunk.

(heavy sighing)

And have you been praying to Jehovah

to help you quit that dirty habit?

I have been praying but on Tuesday I sinned

and I thought since I'm for

Satan I should do Satan things.

But you asked for Jehovah's

forgiveness in prayer, right?

So you're doing the right thing Bill.

What is it.

- (Bill sobbing)

- I'm for God.

I'm for God, I'm for God! (sobbing loudly)

I'm for God, I'm for God, I

try, I try. (sobbing loudly)

Bill, is there something

more you want to tell us?

It's okay Bill, you can tell us,

you can confess to us right here.

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