Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk Page #2

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We're all brothers here you can talk to us.

Masturbation.

I masturbated.

(jazz music)

Gabe, Gabe, how do you deal

with your sexual desire?

I pray to Jehovah.

[Brother Miller] And

does Jehovah direct you?

Yes, trust in Jehovah.

Have trust in Jehovah.

(soft music)

[Gabe Voiceover] Uncle

Jeff told dad he wanted

to come back to the Kingdom Hall.

He's a musician so he tours a lot.

He also smokes a lot and drinks a lot.

And does a lot of other things.

And if he keeps having sex with girls,

he's gonna die at Armageddon.

(guitar music)

[Gabe] Can I take a sip?

[Uncle Jeff] Help yourself.

[Gabe] Thanks.

[Uncle Jeff] Warms you up huh?

[Gabe] Yeah.

(guitar music)

[Uncle Jeff] Puts hair on your chest.

Oh sh*t man sorry.

It's okay.

It's easier to quit

women than it is smoking.

Yeah I have girl problems too.

Tell me 'bout it kiddo.

Well her name's Jasmine.

She doesn't like me but, her sister does.

Peter says I should go with Camille

because she might kiss me, but

what if Jasmine likes me too?

Would she get mad if I kiss Camille?

Relax, in a few years

they'll all be begging

to hang out with you and

you'll forget all about Jasmine.

Don't tell Dad.

It's between us.

[Gabe] What's it like being a rock star?

[Uncle Jeff] It's fun.

First, everything get a

little bit blurry on the road.

Do you have lots of sex?

(Uncle Jeff laughing)

I'm not drunk enough to tell you that.

Worldly girls,

some of them have diseases.

They tested me for Syphilis twice man.

Getting that tube up my

piss hole was not worth it.

Basically that's my motto in life.

Do all that you can unless it gets you

a tube up your piss hole.

It's three chords and the truth they say.

Time on my hands

can't wash it off

Could if I go

All the way

Up on a plane

Flying over the sea

Just you and me

Up on a plane

(Gabe clapping)

(bell ringing)

Did you tell her you love her?

It just says I want to go with her.

She's gonna love you.

Oh there's Tony and Tom.

[Kien] Yeah.

Hey Fiddie, hey.

How's goofy foot coming along?

[Gabe] Hey come on.

Hey man how come you're always

wearing that old man's watch?

It's cool, it was my grandpa's.

Next time tell him to get you a Swatch.

He died in Vietnam.

Did he live there?

He jumped on a grenade,

he saved like 50 people.

He died protecting his squad, he's a hero.

[Student] Yeah dude.

He was a real hero.

That's so cool.

(water splashing)

Let's bash cars.

Cool.

It was Nerf football terrorism.

Peter and I had to do crazy things

like this so we could have stories

for our wives in the future.

My Sharona

[Gabe Voiceover] We're gonna have barbecues

in between having sex with our wives.

When you gonna give

me some time Sharona

(guys laughing)

All right, dude I have to

ask, have you touched it?

You just gave it to me?

No, it.

Your dick.

No.

I've played with it.

What's it like?

I know you've played with it.

You won't tell on me?

No, I'm not gonna tell on you.

But, look I was thinking.

Isn't like as long as we try not to do it

then it's enough right.

Yeah because we can always stop.

Can we stop talking 'bout this now?

I hear cars, come on.

[Peter] Ready, go.

(tires screeching) (horn honking)

[Gabe] Oh!

[Camille] Hi.

Hey.

(Camille laughing)

(bell ringing)

[Gabe] I, I should go.

Okay.

[Gabe] I have class.

See you tomorrow?

Yeah, see ya.

(banging on locker)

Hey, hey.

What's wrong man?

[Peter] Jennifer.

[Gabe] Wait.

Why is she gonna tell her dad?

I would do anything for her,

why would she want to get me in trouble?

What'd you do?

We kissed.

Hey Dad.

We need it talk.

To Camille, from Gabe.

Will you go out with me?

Did you touch this girl?

Gabe, let me explain something to you.

If you tell me the

truth, right now, Jehovah

and the elders will

consider it a confession

and it will be much better for you.

Did you touch this girl?

(Dad yelling)

Five, four, three, two, one.

Did you touch her?

Yes, yes.

[Dad] Yes what?

I touched her.

You know that I can lose

my position as an elder?

Where did you touch her?

Where did you touch her?

I touched her on the bench near the gym.

No, did you touch her vagina,

did you touch her breasts?

No.

[Dad] Gabe do not lie to me.

No, no, we held hands, we just held hands.

[Dad] Please!

We held hands that's all we did.

Are you telling the truth?

[Gabe] Yes.

If I call Camille on the

phone what will she say to me?

[Gabe] Call here.

What will she say to me?

Dad we just held hands, that's all we did.

[Dad] Did you kiss her mouth?

No.

[Dad] Did you touch her breasts?

No!

[Dad] Did she touch you?

No!

Gabe, I need to know.

I just...

This is a confession.

I just touched her hand dad.

Promise me?

Yes.

Look at me.

Yes.

I needed to know, I needed to know.

I do it because I love you Gabe.

I love this family.

You know all we have to do

is follow a few basic rules.

Abide by a few basic

rules that Jehovah gives us

and we can live together

forever as a family.

Don't you want that?

You do.

[Gabe] Yeah.

[Dad] I want to see you thrive, okay kiddo?

Okay, I'll get there.

Okay so, why don't you read

to me out of the youth book

and then we'll go outside

and you can teach me

how to use one of those skateboards.

I'm not, I'm not in

trouble with the elders?

No, not for holding hands, no.

But holding hands, that leads to kissing,

that leads to fondling, fornication,

and you do those things

before you're married

and you'll be disfellowshipped

and Jehovah will kill you at Armageddon

and your mother and I will

be in a different place

and you'll be gone forever.

Can you control yourself?

Yeah.

[Dad] You know Jehovah's watching you.

I know.

Stay with us.

Every serious statistical

study that we have

shows clearly that at least

95% of boys and young men

between 13 and 25 years of

age, pass through periods

of habitual masturbation

of varying lengths.

Some people say that

these figure prove normalcy

and that the absence of masturbation

in a healthy youth is a matter of concern.

Now what do you think?

Before I was baptized, I

had absolutely no morals.

I smoked, I drank,

I masturbated, a lot.

[Gabe] Now was there

anything that you were not

allowed to do as a child?

Oh well, a normal thing

is that, it would be

a little embarrassing to talk about.

Masturbate.

When I became a Jehovah's witness,

I began to lead a healthy life.

A life free of disease, free

of any of the evil things

that disappear when you

accept Jehovah as your God.

[Gabe] How long are you grounded for?

[Peter] Thursday.

Do you think you'll ever

get back together with her?

Not really, she's not really interested.

It sucks but we can find more

girls at assembly I guess.

Yeah, it's cool.

When we're 18 we'll both be married

and we'll have barbecues.

And sex.

Lots of sex.

[Peter] Lots of barbecues.

Lots of barbecues.

[Peter] Barbecue sex.

Barbecue sex.

[Peter] Barbecue sex.

[Terry] Peter who are

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