Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk Page #3

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you talking to in there?

[Peter] No one Terry, I was

just memorizing Bible scriptures.

I'm coming in.

You're memorizing Bible verses.

Yeah.

Okay well that's a good way

to spend your time grounded.

What do you say we make it one day

grounded instead of five all right?

Okay.

Call me, call me dad.

Thanks Dad.

[Peter] Close one.

[Gabe] Good job.

That was close.

[Gabe] That was very close.

You better go.

[Gabe] Yeah, why does he

want you calling him dad?

'Cause my real dad's getting out of prison.

[Gabe] You think you're gonna see him?

No, I don't want to.

[Gabe] I'll see you later.

(upbeat music)

[Dad] Hi.

Hey.

Where are your Bible study books.

Under there.

Put 'em up on the shelf.

We're the illuminators of God's word,

you want to set a good example right,

for your aunt, for your cousin.

Yeah, but Karen's always making fun of me.

We don't want her to die,

do we want her to live?

[Gabe] Yeah.

Well it's just it says in the truth,

we set examples to those worldly people

and then they can have salvation like us.

(upbeat music)

Thank you, button your shirt up please.

(upbeat music)

So my friend had the coolest

birthday party last week.

Oh, I forgot, you don't

go to parties, why not?

'Cause it says it in the Bible.

Hey, you like Journey?

- Yeah.

- They're from San Francisco.

Mom bought me their record.

I play it on the record player

she gave me for Christmas.

Oh, right, you don't celebrate Christmas.

That must suck.

Yeah but I'm doing what God

wants me to do, you're not.

So you better watch out for Armageddon.

How do you know what God wants you to do?

Because I read it in the Bible.

Well where does it say you

can't celebrate Christmas?

[Little Gabe] I don't

know, but I'll ask dad.

Mom says he gives too much money

to the Jehovah people so he stays poor.

Mom says Aunt Lynn is a Jehovah

because she has voids in her life.

My mom doesn't have voids.

[Dad] Guys dinner's ready!

Hi, we made it, hi how are you, oh my gosh.

Hey Uncle Allen.

Oh you first, we made it, hi

Gabe we made it.

Hi Aunt Lynn.

Look at you, you're so big.

You remember Karen.

Hey.

What's up.

You guys hug or something, you haven't

seen each other in five years.

Awkward teenagers.

You got anything to drink?

Where's the TV?

Dad, he put it away, he

says I watch it too much.

That's gay.

I'm getting a drink.

Auntie Lynn.

[Lynn] Yes sweetie.

Where do you keep your glasses?

[Lynn] In the cabinet next to the sink.

Hey.

What's that?

(Karen shushing Gabe)

Just take it.

[Lynn] Yeah, did you find everything?

[Karen] Yeah, I'm just getting some water.

[Lynn] Okay good.

Did you taste it?

Did you get that from

my dad's liquor cabinet?

It's nothing.

No, you don't understand.

It's fine.

No.

I'm not, I'm an expert at this.

Mom always draws lines on the vodka bottles

whenever she remembers and

I just pour a little out

and fill it back up with some water.

I do this all the time, drink.

Is it good?

Do you want it?

(Gabe mumbling) (both laughing)

Go ahead, just kidding. (laughs)

It's good right?

Yeah.

[Auntie] Hey Gabe, where's the bathroom?

Just go down to the hall and make a right.

[Auntie] Okay, thanks.

(both laugh)

Hey mom.

[Aunt ] Yeah!

Gabe and I are gonna go for a walk.

[Aunt] Alright, don't be too late.

[Dad] Go around the block Gabe.

Okay.

Look, look, look, see that?

No.

(both laugh)

I see it.

I don't see anything.

Oh I see a star.

[Peter] Does your dad know?

[Boy] Look.

I got it.

[Gabe] Hey where were

you the other night man?

[Peter] Terry made me

study the Bible, again.

[Gabe] Aw dude.

[Peter] It's all dry.

[Friend] Oh dude.

[Gabe] How are we gonna wet the ball?

(guys laughing and yelling)

Nice.

Okay, you boys ready to

stand up for your county.

So whoever we throw this

at gets a free beer right?

(guys laughing)

[Peter] It's heavy.

[Guy in red Jacket] Perfect,

let's make some magic, babies.

[Guy With Long Hair] Hey

Kien, you don't want any?

You're not gonna drink?

The Watchtower says we can't drink

unless we're being supervised by adults.

Here.

You're not, you're not

gonna tell on us are you?

Nah.

[Peter] We got you back.

Hey, what's he gonna do?

Oh got some.

[Guy In Red Jacket] Here we go, soldier up.

[Gabe] I didn't know he

could climb that high.

(guys laughing )

[Boy] Seriously?

Give me the ball.

[Peter] Ready?

(dramatic music)

[Boys] Oh!

[Man] Did you lose your ball, little boy?

Lose your football?

Hey, I see you in the tree, f***er!

That is a classic car and

you f***ed up my car you f***!

Come on, you want to f*** around?

You f***ed with my f***ing car, f***er!

Come on down!

Come on f***er!

Hey, hey, it was me, it was me.

- I threw the ball not him.

- It hit my car.

I threw it, I'm sorry.

We were just being stupid.

I'm sorry believe me, I never

would have thrown the ball

if I knew it was gonna hit your car.

I'm really sorry.

You're sorry.

You're not gonna do that again?

Never I swear to God.

Hey, hey what are you doing?

You f***ing punk.

What are you doing man?

[Guys] Hey, hey, hey relax.

[Man] Oh it was four of you.

Hey, hey.

[Man] You can take me on, faggots.

I'm taking this, taking your little toy.

You better be glad I got sh*t to do.

F***er!

You're all faggots!

[Gabe] Come on Kien.

[Peter] Yeah.

Got you Kien, yeah!

(guys laughing)

You guys should have come

to that dance last week.

Totally, totally hooked up with Tonya.

Oh she's hot.

And she has a nice car too.

Yeah, her dad's some rich dude.

How'd you hook up with her.

We were drinking in the back of her car.

[Guy With Long Hair] Tony

says she's a key maker.

What's that?

(guys laughing)

She used her teeth way too much down there.

My f***ing dick still hurts.

(guys laughing)

[Guy With Long Hair] That's hilarious.

Can I have a beer?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

(guys laughing)

(dramatic music)

[Announcer] Let's see

how this is demonstrated

with Brother Dagsland and Brother Nguyen

from the Valley congregation.

[Kien] I'm not interested.

[Gabe] Is it the Bible you're not

interested in or is it religion in general?

[Announcer] I'm gonna stop you there.

You see what brother Dagsland just did.

He took an objection and turned

it into a conversation starter.

Let's look back in on them.

It's religion, I'm not a religious person.

Let me assure you we're not

here to change your religion

today but to give you

encouragement from the Bible.

Brother Dagsland, have you been using

questions when people have been

giving you conversation

stoppers out in the field.

Yes.

And have you been able

to get Bible readings?

No.

(audience laughing)

Well Jehovah blessed your efforts,

while you are in service with him.

Thank you for your example.

(audience clapping)

[Dad] You did great, you did great son.

[Gabe] I was so nervous.

[Mom] You looked like a natural.

Jehovah answered your prayers.

We'll meet you here after the services.

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