Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk Page #4

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Okay.

Bye mom.

[Jasmine] The ring is amazing.

[Girl In Blue] Thank you.

Do you have a date set yet?

As soon as possible, right sweetheart.

[Bobby] Hey Jim.

Bobby, hey.

Honey you've got to meet

this guy, he's a riot.

That's masturbation Bill.

No way, you got that guy yesterday.

I can't even look at

him without thinking...

Hello friends.

This is Bill Anders, he

was baptized yesterday.

Hello Sisters.

[Both] Hi.

Gabe, you should visit my congregation,

we can preach together soon.

Sure.

Let me get your phone number.

Jasmine, you should come with us too.

Why don't you give me your number as well.

(convention participants talking)

(audience clapping)

[Announcer] Sisters, please

welcome Brother Isaac Jenkins.

(audience clapping)

(relaxing music)

[Man] When evening came,

[Man] Joseph arose from

his bed and walked around

the roof of the king's house.

And from the roof he saw a woman bathing.

And the woman was very

beautiful in appearance.

And one said, is this not

Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam.

David sent messenger to take her in.

And when she came to him, he lay with her.

She's looking at you.

Who?

Are you sleeping?

Gabe.

Hmm?

Dude what are sleeping?

[Gabe] No.

[Peter] That girl two rows down,

she's looked at you at least twice.

No, you're kidding.

I'm not kidding, she's beautiful.

[Gabe] Yeah she is.

Well giddy up.

[Announcer] The boy has

lost spiritual and family...

[Girl] Here's my address.

Thanks.

[Girl] You better not forget to mail me.

I won't.

Hi, my name is Gabe.

He's disfellowshipped.

Oh.

You'll still mail me though right?

Of course.

Kaitlyn Freedman.

You know her?

Her dad's disfellowshipped.

He's in the same congregation

as my cousin Isabel.

Yeah I know, she told me.

And do you know why he's disfellowshipped?

No.

He voted in the last presidential election.

They're not as wild as I was.

I was really, when I was in the 10th grade.

I used to supply all the booze

to the rest of the students at school.

(both laughing)

That's why we live in a community.

Because when we stray we

share it, we confess it.

[Uncle Jeff] Jehovah is

gonna kill me at Armageddon.

[Gabe] No he's not.

[TV] Upsy daisy, upsy daisy. (laughs)

Hey!

Water.

(people laughing on TV)

Ooh man, your dad,

your dad was tough.

He was a violent man, it was scary.

He's worked hard to

become a perfect Jehovah.

I'm never gonna be a good Jehovah.

But that, you.

Stay a Jehovah.

Listen to your dad.

You.

Jeff.

(people on TV laughing)

(phone ringing)

Dad phone.

[Dad] Who is it?

[Gabe] It's elder business.

This is Brother Dagsland.

You can hang up Gabe.

[Gabe] Okay.

[Brother Knox] Brother

Dagsland it's Brother Knox.

[Dad] How are you doing brother Knox?

[Brother Knox] Well not so

good, that's why I called.

[Dad] Okay, go ahead.

Oh this is hard to discuss.

I'm not sure that we committed a sin, but.

Brother Knox, Jehovah shows mercy

to those who confess their sins.

You're a good brother in the congregation.

Feel fee to speak as Jehovah

and I are your friend.

We committed sodomy.

This may be hard Brother Knox,

but you're need to give me all the details.

We started to have sex, we

were in missionary position,

we were kissing and in

the heat of the moment,

I stuck my penis in and

started going in and out,

until my wife stopped me.

I didn't know it was in her butt.

And how many times would you

go in and out would you say?

Five I think.

And did your wife enjoy it?

Hold on a sec?

He wants to know if you, if you enjoyed it?

Come talk to him.

Just say something,

just say something honey.

Hello Brother Dagsland.

Sister Knox go ahead and give

me your version of the sin.

Well we were in the heat of the moment

and I didn't even realize

that he was in the wrong area.

I was concentrating on his eyes.

He does have nice eyes.

Did you enjoy it?

I enjoyed the kissing.

All right Sister Knox you can put

Brother Knox back on the phone.

Yes.

Brother Knox, I need to be sure,

did you ejaculate in your wife's anus?

No, like she said we stopped the sex.

Practicing sodomy is against Jehovah,

it's a sin, because it's a homosexual act

and we don't want to have

anything to do with homosexuality.

[Brother Knox] Well we sure don't.

I doubt we'll have to convene a committee

meeting about this but we will

schedule a shepherding call.

Another Elder and myself will come over and

(voice trialing off)

[Brother Knox] Thank you.

[Sister Knox] Thank you.

(glass clanking)

If I can get everyone's attention

for just one quick second.

Jehovah would be honored and proud

of the both of you getting married.

It's an honor to be your best man.

To Allie and Jim.

(everyone clapping)

Thank you, thank you everyone.

And thank you Jasmine, my best friend

and now my bridesmaid.

Hopefully you and John

will get married soon.

That's why we put you guys together

as bridesmaid and best man.

Just give it little bit of time.

Hey, hey Jasmine, cover your ears.

Hey how did he get her?

He's old and he has a job.

Forget about Jasmine.

Hey, at least we can drink now

since we're being supervised by adults.

Why do you memorize that stuff?

(guys laughing)

[Krissy] Hi, I'm Krissy.

Hi Krissy, I'm Gabe.

Hi pleased to meet you.

Nice to meet you too. (upbeat music)

I will collect you and capture you

You are an obsession

You're my obsession

Who do you want me to be

To make you sleep with me

You are an obsession

You're my obsession

Who do you want me to be

To make you sleep with me

I feed you I drink you

My day and my night

I need you I need you

By sun or candlelight

You protest

You want to leave

Why are you looking at me?

Stop it!

Stop looking at me!

I hate you!

[Gabe] I wasn't looking at you.

I hate you!

It's not what it seems

You are an obsession

You're my obsession

[Jasmine] Oh no.

What do you want me to be

To make you sleep with me

You are an obsession

You're my obsession

What do yo want me to be

To make you sleep with me.

Come man, come, forget about it.

[Gabe] Come on, let's go to Uncle Jeff's.

[Kien] Your uncle doesn't have any food.

[Krissy] Hello!

[Gabe] That's because he's a musician.

[Krissy] Hello!

Is anybody home?

(Krissy gagging)

You're a really great guy.

Thanks.

[Krissy] You're a really nice guy.

(Krissy gagging)

Hey I got to get Kien

home, you know his stomach.

[Krissy] Dress.

[Gabe] What?

Off.

(water running)

Hey Jeff.

[Krissy] Is Jeff your roommate?

Oh hey, how are you feeling?

Thanks for taking care of me last night.

I found aspirin so headaches gone.

[Gabe] Do you remember throwing up?

Some of it.

Did you take advantage of me?

No, no, no, you told me

to take your dress off.

Just kidding.

[Gabe] So what congregation are you in?

(breathing heavy)

I'm sorry.

[Krissy] You're no fun.

[Teacher] Okay guys give me

five concise sentences, hey,

on what we just discussed.

Show me that you know it.

[Cheerleader] I, uh...

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