Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk Page #5

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(teacher shushing students)

I read that magazine, the Bible one.

Oh did you?

[Cheerleader] Yeah.

It's kind of, it's kind of cool.

Yeah.

My family's episcopalian so we

just kind of love everyone.

[Teacher] No talking please, this isn't

an oral exam guys, come on people.

(girl whispering)

Zip it up.

(upbeat music)

We need to ask you a couple of questions.

Okay, I admit it, I felt my cousins breast.

B*obs are awesome.

It has been brought to our attention

that you stayed the night with a girl.

What?

Krissy from...

Vacaville Congregation.

You spent the night with her.

No, I

she slept on the bed

and I slept on the couch.

We only kissed.

You sound like you're proud of that.

No.

According to the witness who

brought this to out attention,

your Uncle Jeff wasn't home and you

spent the night alone with Krissy.

Yeah, no.

I slept on the couch and

she slept on Jeff's bed.

She was sick.

She was probably ate something

at the engagement party.

I let her use the bathroom and puke

and then she went to bed.

It's a sin when a man and

a woman spend the night

alone together alone in house

if they're aren't married.

I slept on the couch.

She slept on the bed, she was sick.

It doesn't matter how

you twist these words.

It is explained very clearly in the 1983

Truth Magazine that

spending the night together

is misconduct and from we understand,

you and Krissy spent the night together.

She slept on Jeff's bed.

If your mom stayed the night in my house

alone, your dad could divorce her

because it would seem obvious

that he cheated on him.

You understand that this

is a sin against Jehovah.

Krissy said that you took off her dress.

She admitted that she was drinking.

But you said that she had food poisoning.

Why would you lie to us?

I didn't want to get her in trouble.

Did you know that she's engaged?

Why did you take her dress off?

She asked me too.

It had puke on it.

According to her, she doesn't remember

asking you or what happened

after her dress was off.

Did you take your clothes off

before you got into bed with her.

I didn't get into bed with her.

I told you that.

Did you insert your tongue into her mouth.

Yes.

Did you touch her breast?

No.

After you took her dress

off when she was drink,

did you look under her clothes

to see her vagina or breasts?

No, I didn't see her vagina or breasts?

Did any arousal occur

when you kissed Krissy?

No.

Do you understand that this

is a sin against Jehovah?

Spending the night

together is loose conduct.

I didn't get into bed with her.

This is your opportunity

to be honest with us.

Did any arousal occur when you

kissed Krissy with your tongue?

No, I said no.

I don't get it.

She was drunk and puking.

I picked up her puke, I pulled

her hair out of the toilet,

I did the right thing.

It's what Jesus would have done.

- Oh my god.

- How dare you?

I'm afraid I don't see any alternative.

Acting under Jehovah's direction,

we've decided to disfellowship you.

You can write us a letter after

six months to be reinstated.

You can't speak to any Jehovah's

witness during that time.

Since you're still underage,

you can live with your parents.

What happened?

He's being disfellowshipped.

What did you do?

Give me the keys to the shop.

I don't have the keys.

(loud smacking)

I'm glad he's on tour so he

won't be stumbled by your actions.

Lynn get in the f***ing car!

(Gabe crying) (dramatic music)

Get in the f***ing car, shut him up!

(dramatic music)

[Peter] Magic feet, hit me.

[Guy With Long Hair] Oh, man down.

[Peter] Hey Gabe.

Hey, I have to go.

[Guy With Long Hair]

Peter what's his problem?

[Peter] He's cool, he's just

going through some stuff.

[Guy With Long Hair] Yeah but he

doesn't have to ignore us like that.

(dramatic music)

Gabe,

Gabe.

Hey Gabe.

[Gabe] Leave me alone!

[Teacher] All right guys, get back to work.

(dramatic music)

Hey Gabe.

[Gabe] Hey.

That's my book.

[Gabe] Oh, I'm sorry.

No, you should read it.

Really?

[Girl] Yeah, I think you'll like it.

Thanks.

(solemn music)

The damned one moves through the crowd.

The elders have brought

down their judgements.

Hi.

(solemn music)

[Gabe Voiceover] Sometimes it's harder

to shun than be shunned.

(solemn music)

One minute looking at

you is days of sunshine.

Defy gravity, swim out.

The tide comes in, fish smile with no hook.

(solemn music)

Hi.

[Gabe] Hey.

(solemn music)

I like Kerook, does he have other books?

Kerook?

[Gabe] Yeah.

Oh Kerouac, oh yes.

Kerouac.

Yes he's written lots of books

but unfortunately we don't

carry any of them here.

It's at the public library though.

Do you have a library card?

No.

No, well if you like him, you might

like one of my other favorites.

He's part of the Beat Generation.

Try him.

[Gabe] Henry Miller.

Mm-hmm(affirmative).

Thanks Mrs. Eagen.

Get that card.

[Gabe] Okay I will.

Psst, psst,

were you crying in class?

Why are you sitting with

your friends at lunch?

I got disfellowshipped so

they can't really talk to me.

Did you do something wrong?

I thought you liked

being a Jehovah's Witness.

[Teacher] No talking in detention please.

Now as he was saying these things,

a woman called out to him.

Happy is the womb that carried him

and the breast that nursed him.

Gabe, it'll all be over soon.

[Elder] He redirected her praise to happy

are those hearing the

word of God and keeping it.

What we do for Jehovah,

we don't do for glory

or to show our brothers

and sisters our faith.

Jehovah gave us the gift of life.

What we give him is nothing in comparison.

[Kien] It's all in there.

Crisis of faith.

Malawi was just, it was awful.

Jehovah Witnesses do

not even salute the flag.

As far as we're concerned that's showing

allegiance to a country.

There were supposed to

torture say, a political call

Malawi was a one party country,

but we dot get involved in politics.

Witnesses have been murdered, imprisoned,

just because they are Jehovah's Witnesses.

It is because of our standard, thousands

of witnesses were

brutally raped and killed.

I don't get this, this is really weird.

They had us right

letters to the politicians

in Malawi to stop the slaughter

of our brothers and sisters

when they could have stopped it all along.

I need to read this book.

No, I'm keeping it for a while.

This is bullshit.

Aren't you guys scared you'll get

in trouble for talking to me?

Yeah, we better go.

(phone ringing)

[Gabe] Hello.

[Karen] Hey dork.

Karen, where are you?

[Karen] I heard you got

disfellowed or something.

[Gabe] Yeah, right away you went away.

This town's a sh*t hole.

I'm in San Francisco come meet me.

I can't use dad's car so.

Take a train or a bus,

I don't know grow up.

Okay.

Don't tell anyone I'm here.

Okay.

I wouldn't tell anybody, no.

See you on Monday.

- Hey!

- Hey!

[Gabe] How was Paris?

[Uncle Jeff] Amazing, I'm moving there.

[Gabe] Can I stay here tonight?

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