Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk Page #6

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Is it all right with Allen?

[Gabe] Dad doesn't really

care too much anymore.

He's been acting weird.

That works out well for you.

Hey dad can I have a beer?

[Dad] Is your Uncle Jeff up there?

He's right here.

[Dad] Okay, one.

Thank you.

I'm gonna go see some bands with Karen.

They found Karen?

Don't tell anyone, she's in San Francisco.

[Uncle Jeff] Fun money.

[Gabe] Thanks.

[Uncle Jeff] Make it last.

[Gabe Voiceover] She was

right, I did need to grow up.

To do something for myself.

Go somewhere that kind of scares me.

And what did I have left to lose?

My world was in shambles,

I was sneaking poems

into girls lockers and I'm not

even allowed to talk to my friends.

Really, I was going a little nuts.

I mean I'm almost 17, why not head

for the city of milk and honey.

Or, as my dad calls it, Sodom Francisco.

(jazz music)

Hey.

Hi.

Hey, I wouldn't have recognized you.

Yeah you look like a cool

Jehovah or skooter boy.

Thanks.

Come on let's go inside.

Karen, who hit you?

Slam pits.

Did you run away because

your dad was molesting you?

Hey, you're the guy who

grabbed his cousin's tits.

Come on I'm hungry, let's eat.

(upbeat music)

Ooh it's good.

[Gabe] Aw sh*t.

[Karen] What?

[Gabe] It's Jasmine and that's her fiance

and some other Jehovah...

Which is Jasmine?

The darker one with the long hair.

[Karen] The green sweater?

[Gabe] Yeah, next to hot white guy.

Come on let's go get coffee.

Show them you're having a good time.

F*** this.

Hey guys.

I'm a Jehovah's Witness too.

I'm going to the Fab

Mab tonight to meet some

of my Jehovah Witness friends.

You guys should all come.

F*** them, let's go.

(dramatic music)

My father couldn't read or write,

he'd gone to work in the coal mines

when he was six years old.

My mother was very smart but she

was very heavy on the north end.

When she was married to him it was not

a loving relationship but she was very kind

and she made it work for her.

But they loved us, they

loved my sister and me.

(dramatic music)

I wanted to read the Bible so my friend

told me to get in touch

with Jehovah Witnesses

and they'll come teach you the Bible,

and give you a Bible.

[Peter] And did they?

Yeah.

[Peter] And did you read that Bible?

[Interviewee] Yes I did.

Faith is not an easy thing.

We make that choice and why would

you choose to walk with the devil?

(Karen laughing)

[Gabe] This is the 17th hill.

Here, over here.

(dramatic music)

[Girl] Even better than

ketchup is hot sauce.

- Hi.

- You eat hot sauce?

[Girl] Yeah.

I'm Angela.

Oh hi, good morning.

Breakfast is on the table.

[Karen] A little hungover?

[Gabe] Nah, I'm just thirsty.

Karen says you're a Jehovah's witness?

It's cool, cuz.

You get to have like 12 wives?

(Gabe chuckling)

Use electricity?

[Gabe] Yes we do.

It's a big world out here Gabey.

I know.

[Announcer] Good afternoon boys and girls,

the baking club which usually

meets Friday at 4:00 p.m.

Is now meeting on Monday at 3:30.

[Kien] Are you ready for today?

[Peter] Are you ready for today?

[Kien] I'm always ready for school.

Hey.

[Peter] What are you doing?

Why'd you shave your head?

Dad said my hair was getting too long.

Wait, wait your dad knows.

He knows about that?

Yeah he knows.

[Gabe] I mean is that okay?

No, it's great.

[Gabe] What are the elders gonna say?

[Peter] I couldn't care less.

[Elder] Well it's been six months.

[Peter] I couldn't care less.

[Elder] And we have received

your letter for reinstatement.

We need to ask you a few questions.

Okay.

Do you have worldly girlfriend?

No.

Gabe, lying to us is not

- going to get you reinstated.

- I'm not lying.

You were observed in the city with a woman,

she had her arm around you.

She had a ring in her nose and some

sort of punk rock colored hair.

(Gabe laughing)

We don't find this funny?

[Elder] No.

It's my cousin.

Your cousin puts her arm around

you and you hold her hand?

Yeah we'll we're close,

we're just being friendly.

Your cousin.

[Elder] Yeah.

That's it.

Have you been communicating with any

Jehovah's Witnesses at school?

Maybe leaving letters in their lockers?

No.

Poems.

No, poem, nothing.

Have you spent the night alone with anyone

of the opposite sex or committed any sins

since our last meeting?

Have you?

No.

All right then, we can now

welcome you back to the congregation.

Thank you.

[Elder] Welcome brother.

[Elder] You did well Gabe.

(Elder chuckling)

(Dad sobbing)

- Good job son.

- Thanks, Dad.

We're ready for you brother.

(phone ringing)

[Gabe] Hello.

[Jasmine] Hi.

[Gabe] Jasmine?

How have you been?

I can talk to you now so I'm great.

[Jasmine] So who was that

girl that you were dating?

[Gabe] That's my cousin.

You're dating your cousin?

(chuckles) No, she was

just messing with you.

[Jasmine] Well she's a b*tch.

How's John?

He's fine.

He keeps changing the date of the wedding,

keeps pushing it forward.

That's fine.

Yeah well I shouldn't even

be talking to him about you.

Or I shouldn't be talking to you about him.

You know since I've been disfellowshipped,

it's pretty important for me to not

talk about the little things

and just get to the point.

I really miss talking to you.

(doorbell ringing)

I've got to go.

Bye.

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

[Mom] What?

What happened?

There's holes in the doors.

Your father got angry, it's funny.

[Gabe] Are you okay?

Of course.

You hungry?

How was school?

They found the book,

I'm in deep sh*t.

How long are you grounded for?

I've got to go see the elders and then

my dad will decide if the

elders decide if I'm apostic.

Whoa, whoa, they think you're apostic?

[Peter] Yeah.

No.

[Peter] Yeah.

You know the worst part of it?

They called Kien, he lied about the book.

I don't know what I'm supposed to think.

Is he my friend?

That's messed up.

My dad punched a hole in our door.

I'm glad me and you are friends.

(knocking on door)

[Terry] Who are you talking to in there?

Just a minute.

[Terry] Who are you talking to, Peter, hey?

Hey.

(knocking frantically)

Okay good night.

[Karen] Good night.

Hey, come in here.

No, in my bed.

What?

I told Beth you were my

cousin through marriage

and we've been f***ing for a while.

[Gabe] Why?

Because she keeps hitting on me.

Get in.

Get in.

Oh sorry.

Don't leave, it's okay.

It's okay, I can feel it.

Stay.

(heavy breathing)

Aww, aww.

Sorry.

[Karen] It's okay.

(heavy breathing and moaning)

(Karen chuckling)

[Gabe] You're lying to the elders,

now Peter's getting grounded.

[Kien] I've never been in trouble before.

You know I figure why should

both of us get in trouble?

[Gabe] You better think of your friends.

[Gabe] Jasmine wants me to be

her partner in preaching tomorrow.

[Kien] You know she's still engaged.

Yeah, I know.

(guys laughing)

(doorbell ringing)

Good morning, we're here to discuss

an encouraging scripture

from the Bible with you.

Have you ever thought about living

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