Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk Page #7

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forever on a paradise earth?

[Gabe] Good morning sir.

[Jasmine] We are offering the latest issues

of these Bible based magazines.

Not interest.

Is it the Bible you're not

interested in or is it...

Get the f*** off my property.

Let me assure you, we're not here

to change your religion today.

[Homeowner] Did you f***ing hear me?

Yes.

Do you hate me?

[Jasmine] No.

[Gabe] Then why'd you say it?

[Jasmine] I don't know.

(rain falling) (thunder rolling)

Hey, hey,

it's been more than 20 minutes

and I don't see them in there.

We're gonna wait for them here.

Are you crying?

No.

Come on, let's go to

your car, we missed them.

Hey look, bowling.

I'm bringing you home.

[Gabe] Come on let's have some fun.

No.

It's a family sport, you like those.

[Jasmine] No.

Come on let's go bowling.

I can beat a girl at bowling any day.

Now I can mash potatoes

I can mash potatoes

And I can do the twist

I can do the twist

Tell me, baby, tell me baby

Do you like it like this

Do you like it like this

- Tell me, tell me, tell me

- Not bad, not bad at all.

Do you love me?

Do you love me

Two Diet Cokes.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Sorry, oh no, no, no.

Here you go.

I cry, come on, come on cry with me

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Nothing can be sadder

than a glass of wine

So you went to he library a lot.

When you were disfellowshipped.

Yeah I did.

I was actually, that was the strange

part about being disfellowshipped.

I got to learn about different writers

and I got to read a lot.

I um...

I'm engaged.

I know, I know.

I shouldn't be talking to you like this.

I know.

And nobody calls you on the phone

Oh wait I can't, I can't.

Don't you feel like crying

Don't you feel like crying

Well here I am my honey

Come on, cry with me

When your all alone (horn honking)

In your lonely room

And there's nothing

But the smell of her perfume

Don't you feel like crying

[Jasmine] We shouldn't do this.

[Gabe] It's okay.

Don't you feel like crying

Cry to me

Hey, get your ass up here,

I have a surprise for you.

I'm at Beth's.

[Gabe] Okay.

I'm serious.

(horn honking)

[Karen] Surprise, we're giving you the van.

What?

We're not using it anymore.

We're taking the train to Seattle.

I've got a car up there at my parents.

Really, thanks.

You're moving to Seattle?

- Well we're.

- We're moving to Seattle.

You haven't told him yet.

Angela kicked us out.

She caught us.

But.

[Karen] It's okay, Beth knows we f***ed.

(girls laughing)

[Gabe] It didn't mean anything to you?

[Karen] Gabey, come on.

Wow.

[Karen] Gabey, you'll always be my cousin.

Have fun, I love you.

The steering sticks and the

keys are in the ignition.

(dramatic music)

[Student] Yo where's Peter?

I don't know.

I saw him at lunch.

Magic feet, oh.

(guys laughing)

(solemn music)

Oh my god.

Move, move.

(solemn music)

Move out of my way.

Peter!

(solemn music)

Oh God, oh God!

(solemn music)

Oh God.

(solemn music)

Peter!

Peter, Peter!

Wake up, get up, Peter wake up!

Wake up Peter, wake up!

Somebody help!

F***, f***!

(solemn music)

[Dad] Gabe!

[Gabe] Yeah.

Come on in here please.

Have a seat pal.

(solemn music)

Sweetie you know how

sorry we are about Peter.

If Peter said a prayer

to Jehovah after he hung

himself before he died,

he'll be resurrected.

You don't think he'll be resurrected?

Suicide is murder.

Did you read the letter that

Peter sent, the apostasy letter?

It's full of lies.

What are you talking about?

You know about the Malawi cover up right?

Everybody makes mistakes.

Even the governing body.

But the governing body, they let these

Jehovah Witnesses die.

You know that they knew about it.

That isn't...

[Gabe] They knew.

That is not the point.

The point is, for our

family to stay together

in paradise for eternity, we

need to focus on the future.

(phone ringing)

The Malawi brothers and sisters

will be taken care of

by Jehovah at Armageddon.

- And it's not our business.

- Hello.

[Brother Miller] Gabe it's Brother Miller.

It's been brought to out

attention that you raped Jasmine.

What, who said that?

Well Jasmine told us,

I need you to confirm the situation.

[Gabe] Peter just died.

I know.

What is wrong with everybody?

[Peter] Dear Gabe, don't be mad.

You probably say the letters I sent

to everyone in the congregation

about what we found out in Kien's book.

They're disfellowshipping me.

You probably found the watch already,

please take care of it.

It's a piece of me that's always with you.

Good luck with Jasmine, hope

to see you guys after Armageddon.

I love you.

Hey.

I heard about what

happened, I'm really sorry.

Thanks.

[Cheerleader] Do you want some company?

Sure.

I don't think I can be a

Jehovah's Witness much longer.

I'm sorry, if I can do

anything for you I...

No, I gotta do something.

Wait, I'll come with you.

You shouldn't be alone right now.

(loud knocking)

Where's Jasmine.

What are you doing here?

[Gabe] Peter just hung himself.

Did you read the letter?

[Jasmine] Camille!

[John] Hey, you don't go near her again!

I raped you?

You shouldn't be here.

The elders know everything.

They know you forced yourself on her.

She said don't but you kept going.

Is that true?

Is that what happened?

(Jasmine breathing heavily)

I'm sorry.

It's too late to say sorry to her.

The only reason I'm not breaking your face

is because you're getting

disfellowshipped again.

And because we want want to have

our wedding at Kingdom Hall.

Getting a worldly girl now Gabe?

Yeah, that'll be great

for you committee meeting.

What did you say?

[Cheerleader] Let's go.

[John] I said it would be great

for your committee meeting.

[Cheerleader] Come on, knock it off.

Jesus.

[John] You don't want to do this.

Let's go.

(Jasmine crying)

Sorry this door is always broken.

It's fine.

Well thank you for the ride.

Thank you.

Listen I'm definitely

here for you as a friend.

But, not like that.

[Kien] Hey, you better be careful

so you don't get in trouble.

I don't care if I get in trouble.

You should, Jehovah will help you.

Oh really, how?

You read the book.

What else is there?

I don't know, I don't know.

Yeah you don't, hey.

What?

Lets just be careful.

What the f*** are you talking 'bout?

Hey, hey, we can do this.

Okay, we can do this for

Peter, we'll just be good.

No, don't you say that.

[Kien] Let's just try to be good.

[Gabe] Don't say that.

It's not going to be all that bad!

[Gabe] Don't say that!

(solemn music)

Dad.

Dad.

Not now.

Dad I, I had sex.

(Daddy screaming)

[Gabe] Karen and I got

drunk and it felt amazing.

Karen's breasts are amazing and it's crazy

because she's my cousin, but (sobbing).

Dad.

Dad I masturbate, I

masturbate, I masturbate a lot

and I like it and it feels good.

You need to leave.

Dad no.

You need to leave here, okay.

Go, right now.

Get out, Gabe, go.

Gabe go.

(dramatic music)

(men yelling)

(dramatic music)

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