Confessions Of An American Bride Page #2

I remember this.

We took a cross-country

road trip when I was 16.

Notice something?

And it only got worse.

All of you worked tirelessly...

Anne, I know that

you'll be valedictorian.

Okay, okay, she didn't really say that.

But it felt like she did.

And, by the way,

Anne was valedictorian.

And it's kind of ridiculous...

...but Anne has more awards

than most girls have shoes.

And although I can't resent her luck

or talent or whatever...

...I can resent my mother

only noticing her.

Hey, Sammy.

- Hi!

- Congratulations, you.

Thank you.

So one guy for the rest

of your life, huh?

That is crazy.

I mean, how do you know?

How does he not get on your nerves?

I don't know. I love him.

- I'll stick with sex for now.

- Paging Dr. Cynic.

- Hi, Mom!

- Hello, darling.

- Sammy, Sammy.

- Hey.

Congratulations. My little girl.

- Do you want a beer?

- Thanks, but no thanks, Dad.

- Champagne at the wedding, I promise.

- All right.

- What is all this stuff?

- Research, dear.

Invitations, programs, menus, favors.

I've been to five weddings

in the last year...

...and I will not allow yours

to be outshone by anyone's.

The Tomlinsons had an awful

chicken parmesan at Wendy's wedding.

- Whatever you do, do not use that caterer.

- Listen to your sister.

You learn from

other people's disasters.

These are not disasters.

They're weddings.

You know, Sammy,

you didn't taste their chicken.

So I thought you guys might wanna hear

about the proposal.

Oh, of course, honey.

But first, wait, wait.

I almost forgot. I got you a present.

It's a comprehensive overview

of everything you'll need to know.

Mom stopped being subtle

a long time ago.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

Because I know you think

you know what you're doing.

You don't.

Look at the dress.

Why'd you screw it up? You had

six months of nookie-liciousness left.

I don't think that way, Alan.

It was just time.

- Don't you remember being single?

- Oh, yeah.

Those are the good old days.

I mean, fun when you're a kid...

...but, man, when I met Sam,

it changed.

I didn't feel the need

to look anymore.

I was suddenly happy staying home

just hanging out with her, you know?

It's nice.

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, my God, it's so beautiful!

He wouldn't show it to me.

Oh, look at it.

- I'm gonna need that back.

- Sorry, sorry.

I had forgotten how heavy

wedding magazines are.

That's okay.

You'll have Jennifer Garner arms.

At least I won't have to hide these things

under my mattress anymore.

And, of course, I would love for you

to be one of my bridesmai...

I'd love to!

Samantha, can I see you for a second?

Of course.

You know what a huddle is, Sam?

Sure.

When the qb is calling his plays,

he's gotta listen to his receivers.

They're the ones reading the eyes

of the other side.

Maybe I was thinking

of a different huddle.

You made a good point the other day.

I want you to be liaison

for Cocoa No-Carbs.

- Thank you! That's amazing!

- We're not done. Sit down.

I heard you're engaged.

I remember my first wedding.

Carly almost drowned

under the weight of it.

Sam, I'm gonna be blunt.

If this getting married thing

will affect your performance...

...now is the time to back out

gracefully.

Trust me, it will not be...

A problem.

Hi, Mom. I tried to call you back

last night, but Daddy said...

Right.

As if that wasn't enough anxiety,

Ben's parents had invited us for dinner.

And my parents would be there too.

Pass the tranquilizers.

You do realize our parents

are in there, together.

- They love each other.

- No, they pretend to love each other.

They're about to be bound

together for all time.

Don't overreact.

Okay, so maybe Thanksgivings will suck,

but that's about it.

Perspective.

We love each other, right?

- Does it really matter what they think?

- Yeah.

Maybe I was overreacting.

It appeared that for moms...

... a wedding can transcend any

cultural or personality differences.

You see? Lovefest.

I can't wait till we're related.

Hi, Daddy.

And for dads, the excitement

of the fourth quarter has the same effect.

- How are you?

- Very well, thank you.

- Samantha.

- Hi, Mom.

Hello, honey. Wonderful news.

The Rosens have very generously offered

to share the cost of the wedding.

We want you to have everything

you've ever dreamed of.

Thank you!

Maybe Ben was right,

and it'd all work out.

St. James Church?

Of course. Sam practically

grew up there.

You never told me she wanted

a church wedding.

I didn't, you know...

We never discussed the...

- Hello? Anybody home?

- Rabbi Kaplan.

Sheila, you look great.

Mazeltov. Benjamin.

This must be the bride.

How do you do? And this is...?

Rabbi, they want the ceremony

at St. James. Will that be a problem?

- Is St. James a church?

- Yes.

Then it's a problem.

But, Rabbi, we do intend

on having an interfaith ceremony.

I know, I'm sorry.

I just don't do that.

Which doesn't mean I don't approve

of interfaith marriage.

I just don't perform the ceremonies.

Most rabbis don't.

I'm on shpilkes.

That's cheddar.

No son of mine is being married

in a church.

Well, Sheila, dear, if it's not

St. James Church, then it's gonna be...

Maybe we should put a pin in this

and talk about something else...

...like, I don't know, the menu.

That sounds like a good idea.

All right, well, I had a thought.

I was thinking, instead of doing

the old grilled fish thing...

...that we'd do coconut shrimp,

Sam's favorite.

Do you think that's a good idea?

Some of our family keep kosher.

We were thinking that lasagna

would be a good main course.

Do you think that's a good idea?

See, Ken's lactose intolerant,

and with all the cheese...

Can you even get good seafood

without flying it in?

- All that cheese, we'll need a paramedic.

- And the cost!

Well, the Wolves won.

Did somebody mention lasagna?

It gives me terrible gas.

Everyone, stop!

That's your second sundae.

- What are you getting at?

- Nothing.

Look, Sam, let's just forget

the rabbi, okay?

We can do it in a church, whatever.

It would solve everything.

I'd lose your mother forever.

She'd never forgive me.

I can't have that.

Okay, well, we'll just have to find

a solution that everyone can live with.

He's so cute, isn't he?

The truth is I wasn't that worried.

These were all minor roadblocks.

The important thing was that I had

a loving and supportive hubby-to-be.

I wasn't finished.

Anyway, if it can't be in a church,

I can live with that.

Even my mom can.

I just have to be organized,

do one thing at a time, prioritize...

...take a measured,

level-headed approach.

An approach that apparently

is unsuited to dress shopping.

The bridal shop's

semi-annual trunk show.

Kind of an ancient Rome vibe, no?

We're too late.

All the best stuff's gone.

Kristin:
Bridesmaid, lifelong friend,

and voice of doom.

That's mine.

Back off, babe. We got dibs.

Does this thing come with an SUV?

No, I don't like the toile.

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