Confessions Of An American Bride Page #3

This seems like a lot of trouble

to go to for some party.

This isn't just some party.

No, it's the most important day

of your life.

It has to be perfect, like mine was.

Maybe because you didn't have to wear

those hideous bridesmaid dresses.

So was the parental meeting

really that bad?

No. Yes.

I don't know.

Sorry, didn't see the back fat.

- What was the crux of the problem?

- What wasn't?

His parents, my parents,

they all had their own ideas.

Hello?

Mom, please.

No. I promise.

You will get to see it bef...

No, it's the only time I had free.

I'm not avoiding you, okay?

I love you too.

Oh, come on, Sammy, is it really worth

getting this worked up over?

Oh, to be young and single again.

Oh, yeah, because my life's just tequila

shooters and flashing my b*obs in Cabo.

Sam, the most important thing

is that you don't compromise.

No, the most important thing

is you don't drive yourself crazy.

This is gonna work itself out.

You just have to trust him,

and trust yourself.

- Well?

- Phenomenal.

I don't know.

And then it hit me.

I love them all, but there's only

one voice I can listen to: Mine.

And right now, it's telling me I look like

I just stepped out of an '80s metal video.

Samantha.

- Is this a bad time?

- No, no, no.

Well, FYI, Standard's fourth-quarter

results came in and they blew.

Word is they're gonna push up

the launch a month.

Right before...

... the wedding.

No, no, please. Go ahead, answer it.

Mom, now is not...

Yes, I sent the save-the-date

to the printers.

I didn't consult you because...

I didn't pick out a dress,

I just tried on a few.

Look, Mom, can we talk about this later?

L...

Stone has no idea

what I'm going through.

Finding a dress, a band, a rabbi...

- How's that going, anyway?

- I'm on it.

You are? Because we need that ASAP.

It's one of about a million details.

The clock is ticking, Ben.

Hey, how about we elope?

Okay, so we won't elope.

Look, Sam, it's gonna be fine.

We'll work it out.

Red flag. Isn't that different

than, "Everything will be perfect"?

- Where's the restaurant?

- Change of plan.

Is this one of the places your company

is trying to lease?

No. We do commercial real estate.

This is residential.

You know, like a place a young,

engaged couple might live in, for example.

Ben, we always said we wouldn't

move in together until we were married.

Which you've reminded me repeatedly

is less than six months away.

Come on.

I haven't shown you the best part.

Ben, it's perfect.

How could I not love him?

And did you see that apartment?

I can't wait!

And I know some say

moving in together is stressful...

...but if anyone can

do this with me, it's Ben.

- Besides, this isn't a sitcom on...

- Television. Big. Plasma.

Maybe get one of those

satellite thingies.

I have it all planned out.

I'm so excited!

Okay, so I see a canopy bed here

and maybe a decorative chest at the foot.

A recliner here, like my dad's.

An armoire here

and throw pillows everywhere.

Ben, antique decorative chest?

Most guys think there's only

one kind of chest...

...the kind you feel up.

A fish tank.

Oh, sweet optimism,

the nectar of delusion.

- It's gonna be great.

- Great.

Welcome to William Ashley.

The guidebook divides the showroom floor

into 17 convenient departments.

This UPC reader makes bridal registry

simply a breeze.

Just point it at the bar code

of the item, squeeze...

...and instantly it's in your registry.

- I'm all over that.

- Most grooms are.

Let's start simple. China.

Do you really wanna look at something

like that for the next 30 years?

- Oh, how about this?

- Actually...

- I think that's kind of busy.

- Stylish.

What about something like this?

- There are quails on it.

- Yes?

- But Sheila...

- Your point?

- I wanna keep it simple...

- It's a country pattern.

- It's timeless.

- You don't care.

- Traditional.

- Absolutely.

Where's Ben?

Help.

- Ladies. Ladies! Ladies!

- Honey, what's the matter?

We're gonna do this by ourselves.

So why don't you go next door

and get a latte...

...and we'll meet you when we're done.

There he was, my prince charming.

- It's okay.

- You'd have to serve...

Without the distraction

of bombarding voices...

- ... it was much easier.

- What...? But...?

However, the one voice I wanted to hear

was missing.

You just registered

for an oyster-shucking mitt.

- And only a right one at that.

- You want the left one?

It would really help if I knew

your opinions on stuff.

Well, I don't have an opinion on stuff.

Ben, please. We have less than

five months. It's crunch time.

You must have some thoughts.

Well...

I like this.

I had opened Pandora's box.

- I mean, you could...

- You're like five.

Try this one.

- You didn't try this.

- I did try that!

- That was the same thing.

- You know what?

Move-in day.

Of course, by the time all

our stuff was in the place...

... it was move-in night.

What did you think

of the caterer's cakes?

If we get an outside vendor,

it costs an extra dollar a slice.

Well, that's kind of

a loaded question, then.

Up and over.

Back that way.

Not vertically, horizontally.

Okay, okay. Don't talk to me in code.

I can't read your mind.

- Oh, perfect! Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Okay, mark it. Mark it.

- Perfect. Right there.

So the cake.

It was cake.

It all kind of tastes the same.

Cool. So then we can do

chocolate.

- I kind of like white cake.

- What happened to, "Cake is cake"?

Okay, whatever. Chocolate.

Down a little on the right.

Down, down, over.

- A little bit more. Over to the right.

- Over.

No, no, a little too far.

- Go back up just, like, a hair.

- What?

Hey, what do you think

of fondant frosting?

- I like buttercream.

- Yeah, but fondant looks nicer.

Sam, we've been at this all day.

- Down on the right a little bit.

- Fine. Okay?

Just... Look, Sam...

...I just wanna brush my teeth,

get in bed and watch Sportscenter.

- I don't wanna debate frosting.

- Do you like meringue?

- Sam...

- I don't think it even works in here.

- Sam!

- What if we move it to the living room?

That's it.

Ben?

I couldn't believe it.

For the first time in our entire relationship,

we had a real fight.

No backtracking apologies and hugs.

A real one.

For the first time,

we were going to go to bed angry.

Mom, the O'Shaunesseys have five kids.

Yeah, but what if they do come?

I don't care if they give me a gift.

Of course I still want your help, Mom.

Look, I gotta go. Bye.

Welcome to Big Bride,

and welcome to Brenda.

Brenda, how can we help?

Before you say anything,

these are baked potato chips.

Is it wrong of me to take pleasure

in another girl's failure?

Wait a second, that girl's not fat!

She wants to lose 16 pounds and 6 percent

body fat in the next six weeks.

How, by cutting off her arm?

But if Samantha Hoyt keeps

eating those potato chips...

... she's going to experience

a significant butt explosion.

Sam?

- So, hey, look...

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