Confessions Of An American Bride Page #8

into telling you.

Can you really go through life

always wondering?

Stop making sense, okay? It scares me.

Look, you're still young, good-looking...

And I mean that totally platonically.

There's tons of women out there.

Work it out that way. Videotape it.

- Why do you think I got you that camera?

- That's the Alan I know and put up with.

This called-off-wedding thing is gold.

Do you have any idea how much

sympathy action you can get?

You do think life

is like a beer commercial.

Don't kill my dreams, man.

I mean, do you know how lucky you are

that Becky married you?

Do you know how lucky you are...

...that someone doesn't hire a hit woman

to pop a cap in your ass?

I'm just trying to be your friend.

Then stop trying to live vicariously

through me.

Sensitive.

It's kind of like Christmas in reverse.

Oh, honey, honey, we're not

returning these.

We're just organizing them

for easier thank you note writing...

...after the wedding,

which will still happen, happens.

- Hey.

- Hi.

How's it going?

- You know...

- Yeah.

So?

Sam, I don't know

if I can go through with this.

Tell him you love him.

Tell him you can't be without him.

Tell him you can't imagine

life without him.

Wait a minute.

What if he can imagine life without me?

What if that's what he's about to say?

I can't hear that.

Yeah, I can't go through with this, either.

You can't?

I mean, the kiss and the lying...

...it's all symptomatic

of something, right?

Of me being a total jerk.

I never meant to hurt you, Ben.

No, I know.

He so doesn't wanna be here.

Make it easy for him.

All you've done is make it hard.

Just do him this one favor.

I was wrong to try

to force things to work.

Only made everything worse.

So that's it, then?

I don't think we should go on

hurting each other.

Do you?

No. No, no, you're right about that.

I was gonna say almost the same thing.

Yeah, I thought so.

So, what are you gonna do?

You know, I'll take some vacation time,

go to Europe.

Maybe do that backpacking thing.

Yeah, you should.

You've always wanted to do that.

- Well, what are you gonna do?

- I don't know.

Well, I guess...

- I don't know what to say.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

And that's how the man of my dreams

walked out of my life.

Tonight we're celebrating

the success of Cocoa No-Carbs.

I wasn't really in the mood, but at least

I could get drunk on the company's time.

In the next couple of days

you're going to get a set of martini glasses.

- Oh, Nancy.

- I bought them just before.

You can keep them.

Well, your Hail Mary paid off, Hoyt.

We're in the end zone.

Mr. Stone, I don't watch ESPN...

...and it hurts me to pretend

that I do anymore.

- What does that mean?

- I'm getting promoted.

- Well, congratulations, I guess.

- Thanks.

I'm bringing you up with me.

I'm not sure into what position yet,

but we'll find it.

You're being nice?

What can I say,

you did great work, Sam. Congrats.

See? The sun does come out tomorrow.

Excuse me.

You look great.

Do I? Because I don't feel like I do.

I mean, I guess I should, but...

It doesn't matter.

We should go on a real date, do this right.

What do you think?

With no dress to fit into,

what was the point of depriving myself?

I know it's soon, but, Nancy,

wouldn't that be the fairy tale...

...if prince charming came riding in

at the last moment to rescue me from...?

Rescue you from Ben...

...who made you happier

than I've ever seen you in your life?

That would be quite a fairy tale.

Have you called Ben

or talked to him at all?

No, but he hasn't called me, either.

Normally I don't eat this much,

but this doesn't feel like a first date...

...since we've known each other for years,

not counting seven or eight after college.

But clearly you don't have any problem

talking a lot on a first date.

- Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, I guess.

- You don't have to be.

Big Box was a nightmare.

They wouldn't let me return this.

Mom, you've met Luke.

Yes. Hard night to forget.

- Hey, great to see you again.

- Yes.

They wouldn't let me return it.

They said it was open and used.

I'm looking for your father. Excuse me.

- Ken? Ken!

- What?

The camera? I don't remember using this.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three.

What's he doing?

Oh, jeez.

He was practicing.

He could use it.

I think we should call it a night.

Wait. It's early.

What?

I thought you were ready, Sam.

I thought this...

Tonight meant you were ready.

So did I, but I guess I was wrong.

Let me ask you something, Sam.

- Are you ever gonna be ready?

- What does that mean?

It means I've waited

a long time, Sam.

I thought that when

you broke things off with Ben...

Look, I broke things off with Ben

because I thought he wasn't right for me...

...not because of you.

Okay.

Then where does that leave us?

- Luke, I'm sorry.

- You're sorry?

You trying to tell me that you didn't want to

from the first time we met?

That you still don't want to?

- Look, don't.

- Oh, Sam.

Luke...

Your loss. Night, Sam.

I think I made a huge mistake.

Sure, Ben and I had

our moments of conflict...

...but at least I always knew

where I stood.

Maybe Ben was the right guy for me,

and maybe letting him get away...

...was the biggest mistake

I've ever made...

- Honey, who are you talking to?

- No one.

Honey, go get him.

Oh, just to make things clear,

I'm talking about the nice Jewish boy.

Ben?

Ben?

He was gone, but where?

The movies? A ball game?

Out with some other wom... ?

- Hello?

- Alan, it's Sam.

Well, if it isn't

Trampy Tramperson herself.

Please, where's Ben?

Right to voice mail. He's unreal.

I had to force Alan to tell me.

Unluckily for him, I knew where he lived.

Come on, Alan, I know you're in there,

I see your car.

He told me not to tell anyone,

and I'm pretty sure "anyone" meant you.

Wait, wait, wait. Please, hear me out.

I've made a horrible,

terrible mistake, Alan.

Please help me. Show mercy, please.

Alan!

Alan!

- Here, clean yourself up, woman.

- Thank you so much.

That's it, weasel.

I've been listening to your crap for years.

It's payback time.

What are you gonna do?

If you don't tell me what I wanna know,

I will leave you dead in the street.

Ben went to the airport.

He's gone backpacking.

Now, like one of those fools in the movies,

I was gonna race to the airport...

... to try to stop my beloved

from leaving the country.

Of course, in real life when you

park illegally, you get towed.

Sam, don't hurt me,

but Ben's plane left an hour ago.

And the hits just keep on coming.

I was too late.

Go into the living room.

I've got something for you.

Mom, if this is about pie,

I don't need to be depressed and fat.

Alan said you left.

That was the plan.

I was originally gonna go next month...

...but the other night I was showering

and the drain stopped up.

And this time...

...the cause was your hair.

So while the plumber guy

was lecturing me again...

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