Conversations with My Gardener Page #4

Once I'd ruffled his feathers,

the Italian did a fairjob.

Not Deruzeau-quality, but fair.

See that?

This T-splitter means

I can use three hoses.

It was a feat getting it

plumbed in the right spot.

But...

I got enough rockets on the railways

to know how to dish them out.

Come and see.

It'll look smashing.

I like it sharp.

- You could hang some paintings.

- You'd spoil it.

Can't I hang mine?

Of course. It's your house.

But...

Good morning.

Ma'am.

It smells of fresh paint.

- Are the bedrooms up there?

- Yes, they are.

You've patched things up.

That's not my wife. At her age?

I invited her for a few days.

We'll see.

Yes. We'll see.

- Fancy a beer?

- No, water.

Yes, you're right.

The pilgrimage to Royan?

We were caught

in such a downpour...

- And the sea?

- Don't worry, it's still there.

You couldn't see it for fog,

but you could smell it.

Salt, shells, seaweed...

you breathe them all in.

Then we got back on the bus,

did a head count and came home.

That's good.

I know, I'm late.

At least 3 hours late.

I wanted to hoe the spuds early doors

but the surs high now.

- Who's criticising you?

- Me. I am.

Me. It's my son-in-law.

The jerk or the other?

Be nice, he's family too.

Now he's unemployed.

That's why I'm late.

My daughter called in tears,

"Guy's lost his job!"

Great start to the day.

He'll find another.

Do you never watch telly?

Jobs are like tigers.

An endangered species.

If he's willing and able

to turn his hand...

He's totally unwilling and unable.

Supermarket guard was his zenith.

Have a drink to perk you up.

He only just made guard.

There was an exam...

That's a low trick!

You may laugh...

This is wine.

- You're giving me wine.

- No. Very good wine.

An Angelus '82

from the cellar.

My father liked to live.

It is good.

Oh, after all...

You paint outdoors now.

Well?

I've problems enough.

A painter needs the honest eye

and opinion of the public,

of friends...

I know nothing.

It's a matter of taste.

Seeing the work you put in,

it must be good

but don't ask me why.

Know anyone in supermarkets?

Just the odd checkout girl.

Be serious, please.

Off the top of my head,

no one comes to mind.

But I'll think about it.

Don't worry,

if there's an opening...

Thank you.

It's very good.

But you can't see anything

you're looking at,

apart from the irises, maybe.

The rest...

When I paint outdoors, I paint

what I see, what I imagine,

drawing inspiration

from what's around me.

Yes...

when you look at it.

But it's odd, coming out

to paint what you can't see.

Not at all.

You know Grme?

The painter Grme.

Oh, no.

He came to Barbizon...

- Barbizon?

- It's near Fontainebleau.

Oh yes, Fontainebleau!

Napoleon.

That's right.

Well, just next door in Barbizon,

before the Great War,

this painters' circle

would set up their easels

in the woods.

They were painting trees, rocks,

daubs of light...

But Grme, great specialist

of the Far East and the Middle Ages,

even under the trees,

he painted Moorish palaces,

fountains and mosaics

with great precision.

Why outdoors, then?

He wanted to be with his mates.

I'm the same.

It's to be nearer to you.

It's too late for spuds.

I'll water the courgettes.

You did say your son-in-law

was a guard?

- Yes.

- A big lad, then.

Aye! And he never gives in.

Why sack him?

It's notjust him,

they're closing down.

He'll get a handshake.

Nothing.

A tiny one.

How long will that last?

It's a mania.

Closing down all over

and chucking people out.

In my day, finding a job

was as easy as losing one.

These days

if you chuck youngsters out,

they're out for a long time.

Out of everything.

Is he big on sport?

Football!

Never misses a game.

On his arse in front of the telly

with his pastis and cigarettes.

He even supports a club.

- PSG?

- No. OM.

Marseille, his roots.

Born there. Stefanini.

Guy Stefanini.

His only beef is Zidane.

He's obviously a case.

He says, "I'm not convinced

by Zizou's pace."

Now for the courgettes!

Could you fetch my cigarettes?

I left them with my lighter.

- Next to the plates.

- OK, Boss.

Hello.

Jacques-Henri?

Guess.

You've a good ear,

you flashy sod.

Very well.

You too, I hope.

Do you still look after

the Parc des Princes?

Excuse me.

His cigarettes.

Take them.

Hey, Gardener.

Tell Dauber he smokes too much.

Tell him what he needs is a pool.

You can help me persuade him.

OK?

I'll tell him.

Gardener, she said.

And?

- You told her.

- It was the name you chose.

Just between us.

- I'll ask her to forget it.

- Don't ask her anything.

Don't get angry.

- Was that all?

- No.

- Stop smoking and buy a pool.

- A pool?

Gardener!

I have some news for you.

Your son-in-law has to report to

my pal in 2 days' time at 5 o'clock.

What for?

Ajob.

- Parc des Princes security.

- I don't believe it.

Right up his street!

"Public order's my game," he says.

Smack dab in the middle.

Oh, I'll never forget this, old son.

It only took a phone call.

Now he has to play it smart.

There's one simple principle.

PSG rule, OM don't!

I'll tell him.

Along with the good news.

Tomorrow I'll bring a cauliflower,

a pampered, pest-free cauliflower.

My personal cauliflower.

I'll bring you photos too.

I'll water the courgettes tomorrow.

They can wait.

The son-in-law.

Guy, the one you saved.

With my daughter.

She's pretty.

That's the other son-in-law

with their camper.

He fitted it out himself.

Inside there's a kitchen, beds,

electricity, bottled gas...

There's even a loo.

It's incredible.

It's tiny but it's a little home.

What's the sign?

- Akileine.

- What's that?

It curbs foot odour!

He could have chosen better.

He knows someone from the brand.

They signed a contract

to have their advertisement

on the van.

He gets taken for a rep.

That way he saves on camping fees.

He's a sharp one.

That's Padirac.

The caves with the big stalactite.

The wife felt cold

at the bottom of the cave.

We were shivering.

That old dear was ill

on the way back.

We thought she was dead.

- Thought?

- She wasrt moving.

Reboutot listened to her heart...

Nothing.

Reboutot's no clown,

he's got his first-aid badge.

Did she pull through?

I don't know.

On these excursions,

they don't say

or they'd lose custom.

There.

I'll let you watch the rest.

All Royan, as you'll see.

It starts in the coach.

The firemen are all there.

They sleep and they sing.

Sometimes they get drunk.

And the beach.

Never-ending!

You press this button for the next

and this to go back.

I'll be going.

- Gardener's great.

- Don't call him that.

You again!

Run along home, you idiot.

Go on!

Batavia for Miss Magda.

Call her Magda.

On the estate,

I call everyone Mr or Miss.

Except the railwaymen.

That's not bad.

It's a pleasure to behold.

All it needs is folk.

Cats, dogs, birds...

Can't you paint folk?

Don't get me worked up!

I can paint anything... in my way.

Yes, in your way.

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