Convict 99

And don't you show your face

in St Michael's again!

And if your brother Benjamin

thinks he can live here

while he's out of work, he's mistaken.

Mummy, is Uncle Ben going to get it

in the neck again?

Shut up! Go and do your homework.

Alfie, put your slippers on.

If you've got an idea you're going

on a pub crawl tonight you're wrong.

Hello, Mabel. Hello, Alfred.

- Hello, Ben.

- Hello, kids, guess what I've got.

- The sack!

- Er... Oh.

No, I've brought you some sweets.

How long are you going to live on us

this time? Our lease runs out in 1945.

Oh, I shan't be here long, I'm in the

running for one or two appointments.

You'd better try and catch one,

or out you go.

We can't turn him out.

Yes, we can, then Freddie and me can

have the bed to ourselves.

Quiet, Jimmy.

- Read that.

- Oh, for me?

Found me already?

"In reply to your application"?

I didn't apply for this.

Some nosy parker been interfering?

- I applied for it.

- Oh, you did?

Oh. Oh, thank you very much, Mabel.

Well, 75 a year?

Do they know who they're writing to?

They can't do,

or they wouldn't have offered so much.

Well, at St Michael's I got 80 a year

and they threw my laundry in.

Benjamin Twist, either you apply for that

job or you don't sleep here tonight.

Oh. Oh, very well.

In that case, I'd better be going.

- Going? Where to?

- To bed.

That means our bed!

Mabel, if I didn't know you better...

Go away! ..I should be inclined to form

the opinion that I wasn't welcome here!

Wait, boys, it's my turn for the middle!

I had the broken spring last night. Hey!

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Sorry you ought to be.

Are you an applicant

for this backward boys' school?

Do I look sap enough

to be a schoolmaster?

Oh, no.

You haven't seen

the prisons commission?

No, I've been fortunate.

Oh, on the board? No, I haven't.

You look down that side for mine

and I'll look here for yours.

Two eyes are better than one.

- Sorry, guvnor.

- Just a minute, just a minute.

Here, you can't take property like that!

- Recognise it?

- Yeah, it's like mine.

It is mine! What are you doing with it?

- He just picked your pocket!

- Oh, did he?

No, I found it, I was taking it

to the police.

Ah, I knew he had an honest face.

I've seen honest faces like that

in Australian prisons for 17 years.

- My, what a long sentence.

- Sentence? I was prison governor.

- Watch him while I fetch a policeman.

- Yes.

I say, don't be long!

Good day, gentlemen, good day.

Good day.

It's a waste of time seeing all these

people. Benjamin's the one we want.

That last applicant seemed charming.

We don't want charm in prison,

we want discipline.

We're getting low on the list.

I want to see Benjamin. He's done

wonderful work in Australian prisons.

(Laughs)

I say, this is rather embarrassing.

Would you mind pretending

we know each other? I'm Twist.

- Twister!

- Eh?

I didn't know you

without your mortar board.

Remember me?

I'm Bates, Bates minor, of St Michael's.

Bates! Of course it is!

- Glad to see you!

- Haven't seen you for ages.

- How are you?

- Very well.

How's your father?

Eight o'clock, last Tuesday morning.

Tuesday? Well, he had a nice day for it.

Mr Benjamin? Mr Benjamin?

- Mr Benjamin?

- Did you say Benjamin?

- Are you Benjamin?

- Yes, Dr Benjamin T...

Could you step this way?

The board are waiting.

Well, Twister, I won't keep you.

I gotta go too.

- Ta-ta.

- So long.

- I say, Bates!

- Please, Mr Benjamin, you're late.

- He's got my...

- Mr Benjamin, they're waiting.

- I'm told he's rather harsh.

- That's what we want.

- Mr Benjamin, sir.

- Ah, glad they found you.

Good morning, gentlemen. Miss.

I'm Sir Cyril Blakeney Burke.

How do you do, Benjamin?

Very well, thank you...Cyril.

- Miss Humphreys, Mr Salter, Mr Jones.

- Pleased to meet you.

- Won't you sit down?

- Yes, thank you.

So you're from down under?

Er, yes, yes, I came up in the lift.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Very good.

I've just been examining your records.

Oh. Well, you must make allowances

for a certain amount of prejudice.

You qualified in a pretty tough school.

Oh, not tough. Playful, perhaps.

Blackdown is no kindergarten.

It's a long-term establishment.

I don't care how long terms are,

as long as I get Christmas off.

Holidays won't be your worry -

these fellows are a difficult bunch.

- Some have been there 20 years.

- My, they must be backward.

I'm sure you can

knock some sense into them.

Do you believe in corporal punishment?

What, thrashings? Not 'arf. Er, yes.

Was there much of it at your last place?

On the average, about five a day.

I take it you all feel as I do

about Benjamin.

I'm afraid we're unanimous.

Well, can't be helped.

Good morning, gentlemen, miss.

One moment. We want your signature.

- Signature?

- Agreeing to our terms.

- I've got the job?

- Of course!

- Smith, get the agreement.

- Yes, sir.

Hey, you, I've been delayed downstairs.

I'm sorry but the vacancy has been filled.

- I came from Australia for this!

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry be hanged!

- What about that...

- I demand to see the board.

- The vacancy has been filled.

- I want to see them!

- Constable!

- What's this?

- Mind your own business.

We don't want no disturbance. Outside!

If that's how they treat people

I shall go back on the first boat.

Sign here, Benjamin.

- (Sir Cyril) Oh.

- I always do it like that,

makes it hard to forge.

- Splendid.

- Wait, I haven't put the Twist on.

- What twist?

- The Twist on the end.

- Do you always put a twist on?

- Invariably, yes. Benjamin Twist.

- Is it necessary?

- I never sign without the Twist.

How amusing! In future, I shall always

think of you as Mr Benjamin Twist!

(All laugh)

What's so funny about that?

(All roar with laughter)

Here it is, Blackdown.

Good heavens, it's in Devon!

That's 200 miles.

Oh, we'll have to stop and fill up.

I know the very place,

down the road here.

(Both sing drunkenly) # In Devonshire

county they haven't a care!

# All along, down along, out along lee

# For I want to go to Widecombe Fair

# With Bill Brewer, Peter Gurney

# Jan Stewer

# Peter Gurney, Peter Davy

# Jan Stewer

# And Uncle Tom Cobley and all!

# And Uncle Tom Cobley and all! #

We're here.

- Blackdown.

- Where's Blackdown?

- It's in Devon.

- Wrong! Next boy.

No, this is the place where you get out.

Oh, oh, oh.

- Is this the school?

- Yes.

Oh.

Ahh.

- Well-built place, innit?

- Yes.

I must get this bell attended to.

- Well, good night, old boy.

- Good night.

Hey, hey, you can't undress here.

I'm headmaster, I can do what I like.

Oh, well. Good night.

Ah.

(Clatter)

(Car engine)

Hey!

Hey.

Hurry up there, hurry up. That way.

Oh, pardon me, could you direct me to...

- Come on, follow me!

- Thank you very much.

- Good evening.

- Sit down!

Thank you.

(Alarm bell rings)

(Shouting)

Now, boys, boys, stop this noise!

I won't have any noise.

Boys!

Boys, behave yourselves! Behave!

Hey, stop this rowdy-ism!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes