Cooties Page #2

Jason Patric.

Oh, lost boys!

They're not lost.

Kiefer.

They're vampires.

Yeah, they got lost...

All right, let's roll!

Your classroom is actually

right next to mine.

I can walk you if you want.

Oh, um, yeah.

That'd be great.

You are so f***in' ugly.

If my butthole had a butthole,

that's what you'd look like.

Yeah, you look like

my butthole's ass.

You look like you got

chicken pox,

If chicken pox was made

out of hemorrhoids

Yeah, if chicken pox

was made out of my ass.

And here we are, fourth grade.

That's me.

And you're right up there.

Good luck.

Holler if you need anything.

The athletic office

is right down there.

Yeah, what's with that guy?

He seems like a bit of a dick.

He's my boyfriend.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I was helping a friend out.

Eric, what is that?

You put that right down now.

Hey, did somebody order a sub?

Ooh, tough crowd.

My uncle's cancer

Took his stomach.

But his divorce...

took his mind.

Anyhoo, that was my weekend.

Let's begin, class.

Maybe we were created

by an all-Knowing god

Who sent down his only son

to die for us.

Or maybe we were monkey people

who sat around

Crappin' in each other's mouths

until one day we were like,

"I don't like all this hair.

Just on my head and crotch,

please."

Who can say?

I can't

because the state of Illinois

Doesn't allow me to, hank.

I know I'm the substitute,

but I'm also a friend.

It wasn't so long ago

that I was sitting exactly where

You are.

In fact, don't tell

those other teachers,

But I want you to call me

by my first name.

C*nt?

What?

No, you... You can't say...

Okay, no, uh, my name is Clint.

You know what?

Just call me Mr. Hadson.

Now, I'm not really a teacher.

I'm only substituting

to pay the bills.

I'm actually writing

a horror novel.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, real cool, a**hole.

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Patriot.

He got held back.

Shut up!

Your name is patriot?

That's right.

I was born on September 11th.

God sent me on that day.

That's why, on my 18th birthday,

I'm joining the marines, just

To kick some towel-Head ass.

Wow, a lot to unpack there.

First off, could you keep

the language down, please,

Patriot?

Otherwise I'll send you outside.

Yeah, while you were just

talking, I just looked at,

Like, a hundred vaginas.

All right.

Give me that.

Why?

Because you're not allowed

to have it.

Your principal told me.

How about I start crying

and then suggest to my parents

About how you touched me

inappropriately?

You didn't happen to write

something on a Prius

This morning, did you?

So I actually have

the first draft of my new novel

Who would like to come up here

and read the first chapter

And then you guys can give me

some notes.

Great. What's your name?

Douche.

Calvin.

Calvin, come on down.

Go ahead.

Trent always loved boats.

But when he spent his

life savings on the Anna Marie,

He didn't know he just chartered

a course to evil."

"It was an easy money

Transaction"...

you'd be good in a horror novel.

"And didn't ask any

questions"...

hey.

You listening to me?

Ow!

All right,

Everyone, calm down.

I'm gonna take patriot

to the nurse's office.

Come on.

Come on.

Don't be a baby.

Come on, patriot, let me see.

Come on.

This is going to need

There's nothing I can do

about it here.

He's gonna have to go

to the hospital.

That's okay.

Patriot can handle it.

Right, patriot?

You're a marine.

Beautiful, beautiful

'Shrooms.

So one of my students tried

to eat another one's face off.

How's your day going?

I'm... I'm really sorry

about this morning.

What happened?

I... When I called

your boyfriend a dick.

I didn't know you guys were

dating and... And now I feel

Really awkward.

No, in your classroom,

what happened?

Oh, this girl

just went apeshit on this kid.

She was biting him.

I had to send him to the nurse.

Did you send her

to the principal's office?

I wanted to give her

a high five.

That kid was a dick.

Hey!

You bit my friend's face.

What, are you sick or something?

Hey, you b*tch!

I just wanted to say to them,

Like, "guys, I'm a writer who

moved here from new York city.

Like, I'm way cooler

than your regular teacher."

This day could've been

super fun.

Kids are always rough on subs.

Yeah, but this is different

from what we were like

Growing up.

They're, like, not even kids.

Waah!

The f***?

Oh, it can't be that funny.

Ooh la la.

Yeah, I'm such a catch.

Oh, you...

You'll be beating off the women

In fort chicken.

Oh, yeah.

Fort chicken girls.

Yeah, the hottest!

Aah!

What is happening here, kids?

Goddamn it!

What is wrong with me?

Oh, no, you didn't.

Vice principal Simms.

Yeah, you're go for Simms.

I'm under some medication

for a medical condition,

So I may not be seeing things

correctly, but I'm pretty sure

I might be seeing

some of your students

Possibly eating Mr. Pedersen.

Again, it could be

The medication.

Okay, all right.

Show's over!

I may be acting principal,

but you all are acting crazy!

Hey, don't... Don't...

I have bursitis.

Who... Who is your homeroom?

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Oh!

Get... Get out of there!

It's so good to see you, Clint.

It's good to see you, too.

Oh, look, carnage.

Aah!

Some... Somebody call

the police!

Wait! I'm hitting my button!

Ow!

Oh! Ah!

Come on, Johnson!

What the f*** is happening?

What the f*** is happening?

Wait, there's wade.

Wade.

Oh, god.

All right, listen up!

I'd back off if I was you!

I was an all-State

football champion.

Y'all are a bunch of kids.

Oh.

Look, we've all wanted

to do that

To vice principal Simms, okay?

I know I have.

But a...

A line has been crossed.

You can't eat the teachers,

Man!

Hold it right now!

Aah!

Ah!

Fwip! Ha!

Come on, Johnson!

Run, Johnson!

You can do...

No, no.

Aah!

They... They attacked

the vice principal.

And then they started chasing

the...

Hello? Hello?

The phones are dead.

Aah!

Oh, those kids are fast.

I was twice voted

Running back of the year,

Kerry county.

I should have won

a third year...

but it was political.

What the f***

are you trying to say?

Do not go out there!

Those kids...

Aah!

Oh, god!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's Angela.

Angela, it's me, Mr. Lacey.

Ugh.

Oh, there's Dave!

Dave's coming!

See?

Everything's gonna be fine!

Ooh, sh*t, man.

Five-O!

F*** it.

I ain't goin' down!

All right, kids, settle down.

You little guys need to tell me

what's going on.

You guys all eat cherry pie

for lunch or something?

What's going on?

I'm here to help.

Think of me just like batman.

I'm a helper.

Aah!

Aah!

What the f***?

Aah!

Ow!

Oh, my god!

F*** this!

I gotta do something!

No, wade!

You can't go back out there!

No! Let me alone!

Oh, my god.

Wade.

Aah!

Oh, my god!

Aah!

Ow!

What the f***, freak?

Oh, god!

He's gonna bite into your face!

Yes, I can see that!

He'll tear

your goddamn face off!

You'll look like

that chimp woman!

Aah!

You're achieving nothing!

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