Cooties Page #5

Oh, seaweed.

Oh.

I'm afraid that won't work.

No.

Oh.

Oh, the microwave.

This is the activation of

The emergency broadcast system

for the township

Of fort chicken, Illinois.

Effective immediately,

the mayor of fort chicken

Has announced mandatory

evacuations of neighborhoods

East of Winslow avenue.

Authorities are reporting

the spread

Of a highly contagious virus.

Reports say...

We're alone.

We're all gonna die, aren't we?

No. No, we're not.

There's a snack machine

in the teachers lounge, right?

Wade, how many people can fit

in your truck?

I told you,

it's a dual reow weeow...

Dual reow...

It's a dual rear wee...

Probably eight, max.

Where are the keys?

Up with my jacket.

Back in the teachers lounge,

which is impossible to get to.

Where does that lead?

Conditioning of air.

So this duct takes us

to the teachers lounge.

Guys, we take the duct

to the lounge.

We... We get Calvin something

from the vending machine,

We get back here, fix Calvin up,

and take the duct as close to

If we're near the office, we

should grab our cell phones too.

Right.

Yeah, but who's going up

into that thing?

Who's teensy-Weensy enough

to fit up...

me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I... No, I-I definitely don't

do brave stuff.

Like, I've never even been

camping.

Look, I-I have a blog.

I-I get excited about

apple products.

That's what I'm comfortable

with.

Here we go.

By letting you guard this,

I'm trusting you

With my entire life.

Circle, circle, dot, dot.

Now you have a cooties shot.

It'll protect you.

Thanks, Tamra.

Remember, Clint, if you fail,

we're all gonna die.

I appreciate the update, Doug.

You're doing great.

Just trust yourself.

Yeah, and your cock is

Girthy, too.

Oh, f*** off, wade.

You f*** off.

Both of you cut it...

Both of you cut it out.

You know who you sound like?

You sound like your students.

I don't have students.

I'm not a teacher, I'm a writer.

Yeah, a self-Published

writer.

Guess what, I'm self-Published,

too.

Doug, do you wanna buy my book?

There are no words on this.

You know what?

I'm going, too.

Lucy, what are you doing?

You can't...

No! No, you are not!

You can't do anything

to stop me!

If I wanna go in the f***ing

air-Conditioning duct, I'll go!

I'm just gonna die anyway,

just like the rest of you

A**holes, so maybe I'm gonna try

and do something brave

As a final pointless gesture

of kindness in this cruel,

Shitty world

that likes taking gestures

Of kindness and shitting

and peeing on them!

Since you're all gonna be dead

soon anyway, I should tell you,

I hate every single one of you.

Aah!

I'm coming with you whether you

like it or not, so shut up.

Okay.

This makes me so nervous.

He paces like this late at night

When he's on the phone, too.

It's so ridiculous.

How do you know that?

You better not let anything

happen to her, a**hole.

That's funny, because I was

thinking of letting

Really bad things happen to her.

I will squeeze up in there

and slap your dick off.

Thanks for coming to help me.

No problem.

I think this is it.

Careful...

oh, um...

do you have a dollar?

Yeah.

There's wade's keys.

I'm gonna go check and see

if there's a phone.

No, no, no, wait for me.

No, we don't have time.

You get the candy bar.

I'm gonna get a phone.

Okay, be... Be careful.

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Sh*t!

Did you get it?

Did you get it?

I'm working on it!

Hurry up!

We're not gonna make it!

Go left!

Guys, heads up!

They did it.

Hey, look what we got for you.

The desk! The desk!

I don't know how much longer

I can hold this.

Aah!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Miss Hanford!

Oh!

After the fifth

half-Eaten corpse you see,

It's... still horrifying

but somehow slightly less

Horrifying.

Sh*t!

Guys, look out!

They're in the vents!

They're heading your way!

I'll get the locks.

More stuff, come on.

Here!

Here.

Let's go!

They're coming!

Straps!

Come on!

Got it!

Why do they pound?

What does all the pounding

accomplish?

Are you guys okay?

Yeah, we're all good.

Thanks for the heads up.

We are not all good!

We are trapped in here.

Oh, god, those kids are gonna

come in here.

They're gonna rip us to shreds.

Tracy, we get it.

You've got to calm down

right now!

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm...

Calm!

I'm fine.

I'm calm.

Okay.

Thank you.

Calm down!

I'm calm!

I already said I was calm.

This is, like,

the worst Monday ever.

This probably isn't

The greatest timing,

but I have a confession to make.

When I saw you this morning,

I was only pretending

To be surprised.

I knew you taught here.

Wait, really?

I've been

pretty depressed lately,

And I just wanted to see you.

It... It's stupid.

I mean, we... We haven't had

a conversation in,

I guess I kinda missed you

somehow.

Sorry, that's... That's so creepy.

No.

It's not creepy.

I heard you were in new York

following your dream

Of being a writer.

Oh, well, I have

another confession to make.

Remember when I-I said

I-I wasn't a teacher?

That was a lie, too.

That's what I was doing

in new York.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been teaching

first grade for two years.

I mean, I thought

I would have free time to write,

On my free time,

but as it turns out,

There is no free time.

Teaching's the hardest job

In the world.

And I would look out at the kids

In my class,

and I-I found myself getting

Jealous of them.

They have the whole world

ahead of them.

Their whole lives ahead of them.

They have all these

opportunities

That have already passed me by.

Mm...

What?

Nothing, I was... gonna tell

you you were wrong,

But you sort of have a point.

Oh.

That's super comforting.

Thanks.

Oh!

I prob... I probably shouldn't

have done that.

I-I can't just barge into

your life like that.

Even if I do kind of hate

your boyfriend.

Just need a bottle of wine.

Right?

One of those backpacks

must have some beer in it.

Definitely Ritalin,

probably adderall, too.

Wait.

There's still so much

I haven't done.

Like... Like I've always wanted

to fire an Uzi.

I don't know.

I wanted a bunny.

I always wanted a bunny

growing up

And never got one.

You know what I want?

I wanna know why

my brother-In-Law

Makes tens times what I do.

And you know what he does

for a living?

He makes giant foam fingers

for football games.

Like, you tell people

you're a teacher,

And they look at you like,

"oh, you must have wanted to do

Something else and you couldn't

get anything going."

And it's like, "f*** you, man.

I'm raising your kids."

I love my job,

and teachers deserve respect.

Yeah.

I'm sorry that it took me

till today to realize this,

But...

I really actually like you guys.

I always wanted to have sex

with a prostitute

Who was nonwhite.

Is anybody there?

Wade?

Hey.

You okay?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, Lucy,

about today...

Wade, we can talk about this

another time.

Let's not talk about this

right now.

No, I wanna talk about it.

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