Cooties Page #6

Lucy, I love you.

And I'm so sorry

that I was an a**hole today.

Clint's not listening, is he?

No, it's just me.

'Cause look, I know you're not

crazy about your hometown.

Okay, and this is probably not

what you pictured growing up,

That you'd be dating

some P.E. Teacher.

And I guess I just got jealous

that some fancy pants new York

Writer was gonna swoop in and...

no, wait!

To live there, and I just don't

know that that's something

That I can ever...

Wade, it's Clint.

Goddamn it, a**hole!

Put Lucy back on.

I'm not a fancy writer

from new York.

I'm a bad writer

from fort chicken.

I sleep in a bed

I used to pee in.

You're a handsome guy

who Lucy likes.

And if you guys are meant

to be together,

I'm all for it.

I'm sorry I got in the way.

You really think

I'm a handsome guy?

Listen, thanks, Clint.

Just...

can you put Lucy back on,

please?

Wade, I love you, but I...

Lucy, I...

Wade, it's me again.

Goddamn it!

I have an idea.

Listen up.

Oh, dear lord.

Is the coast clear?

If by clear, you mean

filled with terrifying imagery

That will take me

years of therapy to unsee...

hey!

Hey, sweetie!

Put those drugs down.

Look! Drugs!

Are you hungry for some drugs?

You want some Ritalin?

Some adderall?

You remember how

In that movie commando

and every other

'80s action film, there was that

Suiting up montage?

Well, this is that scene.

Yeah.

Now, they've got us

outnumbered, outgunned,

And out...

but there's one thing we have

that they don't...

The drive to win!

They seem very driven to me.

We need to turn this room

Inside out.

Look under every shelf,

inside every box.

Gather anything you

or someone else can use.

We gotta collect everything.

We gotta have bats and tools

and ropes and pointy things,

Anything that has a spike on it,

anything that's serrated.

We're not playing defense

anymore.

Our third and fourth graders,

you can forget about them.

So forget who you think

you're fighting,

'Cause we're going to war!

I used to be a champion!

I'm a little fatter now.

Yeah, I'm a little balder, too,

but I still got that spirit.

And they are not taking that

away from me!

I played dodgeball a million

Times with these little shits.

Go for the face.

It's the weak spot.

Huh.

I guess they really can overdose

on that stuff.

Okay, looks like the adderall

They should be knocked out

for a while.

Remember, when we say "go,"

we rendezvous in the main hall,

Head straight for the back door,

then haul ass for wade's truck.

Are you guys ready?

We are good to go.

We can do this.

Between us, we've got 18

regional championship trophies,

Three MVPs,

and one state championship ring.

Wade, those are all your awards.

Exactly,

and I'm a part of this team.

That makes us all champions!

Now, are we ready?

Ready!

Ready.

I'm gay.

Oh! I f***ing knew it.

Hatachi, you ready?

Yes, Hatachi ready to die.

My father told me story once,

story of frog and caterpillar.

It was winter,

and frog is sitting on

Snow-Covered branch.

The frog looked and saw

the caterpillar and ask him...

Okay, this story is taking

way too long.

Let's play some dodgeball!

Hey, guys.

Okay, I got this.

Uhh!

Come on.

Aah!

F*** yeah! Let's go!

Go! Go!

Move it!

Let's go!

Come on!

Damn it, I'm out of balls!

Oh, sh*t.

Ha!

Ah!

Rock 'n' roll!

Aah!

Lucy! Where's Lucy?

I don't know!

Aah!

Come on! Come on!

Aah!

You motherfuckers!

Clint,

take me to subway sometime.

Aah!

Give her the keys!

Get those kids to the truck!

Move!

Go, go, go, go!

Get out of here!

Get in! Get in!

Hah! Hah!

Hey, Danielle steel!

Take care of her.

Aaaah!

No!

No!

No, Lucy, no!

Wade!

Hah! Ahh!

Wade!

Oh, no! No!

Aah! Aah!

No, we gotta go!

We gotta go! Go!

Get in!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Wade! Oh!

Aah!

No!

Lucy, I'm sorry.

What about these kids' parents?

What about our parents?

Oh, sh*t.

What?

We're almost out of... Aah!

Get him off!

Get him off!

He must have been in the back

Oh, my god, what is he doing?

Ram him!

Eat a cock.

Uhh... eh...

well, that ought to do it.

Guys, up ahead.

It's Danville.

Danville is the worst place

on the planet.

At least it's not fort chicken.

Oh, my god!

Well, I'd feel worse

if all these dead people

Weren't from f***ing Danville.

Well, now we're really

out of gas.

Everybody stay close.

Wait, where's Doug?

There he is.

Doug, come on!

No, you come here.

They're everywhere.

Well, that's Indiana.

That's Ohio.

It's an epidemic.

Actually, the correct term

is pandemic.

A pandemic covers a much wider

geographical...

That's the fort chicken factory.

Is there anything

from that factory served

In the school cafeteria?

The chicken nuggets.

Of course, a foodborne virus.

If I could get a handful

of homing endonucleases,

Each one targeting a different

specific section of the genome...

You're doing it again.

You're doing it again.

Rebekkah, quiet please.

You see, that time

I was actually talking.

If we could isolate the virus

and kill it while preserving

The capsid protein...

Doug, please dumb it down

A little.

If I could find

one of the infected nuggets,

Maybe I could make a vaccine...

for... For the...

Aah!

Everybody look for an open door!

Guys, hurry up! Get in here!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Hurry!

Everyone okay?

Okay, we're here.

We made it, right?

Oh, I f***ing hate Danville

so much.

Everyone stick together.

Okay.

I can't see anything.

Someone find a light.

Aah!

It's me.

These things are great.

It's like...

Let's go this way.

Oh, my god,

those are the nuggets.

You'll come in

handy, little one.

Nugget out of here.

Nugget out...

Nugget out of here.

Come on.

Come on.

Where are we?

I hate to say it, guys,

but, oh, sh*t.

Aah!

Aah!

Hah! Somebody

order a badass?

Wade!

Aah!

Now, Hatachi.

Now the time for the

frog to f*** the caterpillar?

Whatever, Hatachi.

Aah!

Wait, they're coming!

Let's go!

Get in the van! Let's go!

Move! Move! Move!

I-I thought you were dead.

It was just halftime, baby.

Go to the van!

Run! Run! Run!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Hurry!

Let's go! We can make it!

Help me wedge this in here.

Clint, go! Get out of here!

Aah!

Kids, kids, go, go, go!

Oh my god!

Is this one of those really

intense drug interventions?

I'm givin' you kids an "F"

For f*** you!

Get up! Come on, let's go!

Go! Go, go, go!

What are you doing?

Water won't hold them off.

It ain't water.

Nap time, motherfuckers.

Let's roll.

Where are we going?

Someplace kids don't wanna go.

Wade, how did you find us?

I always know where to

find my dual weeow...

Weeow... My do

wea... My do weeow...

And the frog f***ed

the caterpillar!

Ha!

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