Couples Retreat Page #13

my sleeve because that's who I am.

And I got a lot of friends that like me

just because I'm the way I am.

But it really doesn't

matter because I like me.

Well, I don't like you.

Whatever. I love you.

I can't stand picking out tiles.

It drives me nuts to try

to redo the fricking house.

I know it does.

But, you know, the one thing

that we can and should always do

is just kind of have

fun with each other.

And truthfully, sweetheart, that

should be the easiest thing to do

because before there was the kids

or the house or the job or any of it,

there was just you.

And I love you, Ronnie.

I love you, too, Dave.

Hey, now, all you naughty boys and

girls, gather 'round, gather 'round.

The hell's she doing here?

Who?

That's my wife. She

must be looking for me.

I don't think so. She looks fine.

You should just relax.

Son of a...

Excuse me!

Hey!

Peacock!

Please, I don't want to hurt you.

"Encouragement!" Joey!

Baby, remember when we first met

and I told you that you were

the only man I'd ever been with?

You lied? No, no, no, no, no.

I was... I was completely inexperienced,

and, honey, I didn't

know what I had in you.

I've been cheating on you!

I've been cheating on

you every chance I got!

Yeah? For years, I've

been cheating on you.

Well, I cheated on you

with more than one guy!

With two... You had a

three-way with two dudes?

No, no! But I would have!

I totally would have!

Well, I would've, too!

Not with two dudes! You

know what I'm talking about!

I thought I needed to know what it

was like out there, in a real way,

not like I read it in Cosmo. So

I went out there and I lived it.

I've had one-night stands!

Okay.

I've woken up in beds with men

whose names I didn't even remember!

I was like, "'How did

l get this T-shirt on?,'

Jennifer, I get it. Land your plane.

Just deal with it! You deal with it.

You deal... You deal with

going to Applebee's alone.

What? If you don't put in effort,

you're gonna be the one who

ends up at Applebee's alone.

Are you asking me to go

to Applebee's with you?

The bottom line is that none of them

made me feel the love that you did.

And I had to go out into the world

in order for me to come back

and say that I belong home.

Now I'm gonna keep on

spinning these fly tunes

until somebody gets something going on!

I'm not saying I wouldn't

go to Applebee's with you!

Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't

go to Applebee's with you!

All right, well, I would try

to go to Applebee's with you.

Well, I would try to go

to Applebee's with you!

So let's try. I want

to try! Well, let's try!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry that it took all of that.

But you know what? Now I can

honestly say, with love in my heart'

that you are my man.

Could you ever love me again?

Well, you're my wife.

And I never stopped loving you.

Now come here and give me a kiss.

This next jam goes out to all

you party people in the house!

And that time that you got sick,

you didn't want me to see you,

so you locked me out of the bathroom?

No! Then I passed out!

Yeah.

And you called the ambulance.

Well, because, before you passed out,

it sounded like you were dying in there.

You know? I thought I was dying. I did.

Yeah, well, what was I supposed to do?

I should have broken down the door.

You've been a really good friend.

You have been the best

friend in the world to me.

Now don't stop dancing, y'all!

Party ain't over! It's far from over!

Silence, please! Silence!

I made a program for you and

you decided not to follow it.

You defied my instructions

and you went off course.

Why are we being held to a

different standard, Marcel?

You weren't here on time this morning.

I was here before

sunrise, sadly, by myself.

Therefore, I chose not to wait.

Marcel, I've got to be honest with you.

You know... Silence!

No, you silence! Please, just...

I don't need some speech

about moments, okay?

No more, okay?

I'm sorry that we kept

you waiting this morning

and that we didn't respect your program,

but last night my wife and l,

we spent some real time together,

and for the first time in a long time,

we woke up actually very, very happy.

So, with all due respect, sir,

I don't need you, or

anyone else for that matter,

to, you know, say anything, really.

I know.

Sorry?

You do?

Yes.

That is why I am giving you this.

I don't understand.

I could never reveal your

true inner animal spirit.

It was always up to you.

Cynthia, Jason, your

spirit is the rabbit.

No matter what obstacles

are put in front of him,

the rabbit will scrape and burrow

and find a way to create his home.

Thank you. Thank you.

Lucy, Joseph.

For you,

the wolf.

The wolf is by nature a pack animal

and one of the few proud members

of the animal kingdom

that mates for life.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Hello, Jen. Welcome, Jennifer.

Thank you.

For you,

the noble honeybee.

The honeybee is committed.

And though it may fly

from flower to flower,

collecting the sweet, sticky nectar'

it has no choice but

to return to the hive.

Congratulations.

Thank you. That's a big-ass bee.

Finally, Ronnie and David.

I have thought long and hard about this.

I could not decide with my mind.

I had to open my soul

to the animal spirits.

And, finally...

Okay, the build-up's killing me.

What do we got here? Two cheetahs?

Couple of eagles? You got two lions?

The ass.

You are the ass.

Stubborn and immovable.

The mighty ass tirelessly bears

the heavy burden of others.

But when the ass is on the

move, nothing can stop the ass.

Be an ass for your marriage.

Be an ass for your children.

Be an ass for love.

Thank you, Marcel.

I'm gonna be the biggest

ass you've ever seen.

And now, you may spend the rest

of your trip enjoying the island.

Please feel free to make Eden

into your own, personal Sandals.

Yes.

And now, jet skis!

Yes, yes! Yes!

Hey, hey, what's happening?

I sure miss you guys.

I miss you so much.

And Grandpa Jim Jim let us watch Jaws!

We get to eat all the candy we want!

Hey, guys, the jet skis are ready!

Come on! We're waiting on you!

Give us one second with the

kids. We'll be there in a minute.

Go ahead and start. Well, listen,

when we get back next weekend,

we'll go to Medieval Times

and we'll get some big drumsticks

and lots of meat.

- Yes!

And we're gonna be doing a lot

more of that fun stuff, guys,

so get ready, okay? I'm gonna take you

to the school parking

lot, we'll do some donuts.

Yeah! Donuts!

All right, I love you.

Love you, too. Here's Grandpa Jim Jim.

All right. Enjoy your last few days.

Hey, Dad, could you do me a favor

and not give them candy

every time they ask?

You ought to be thanking me.

I'm here at this home store

returning some of the stuff

that you had on that house list.

Okay, thanks so much. When you..

- When you look at the coating,

will you beat that guy up on the price?

Kevin! That is not a real toilet.

Dad, what's going on?

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