Craig Ferguson: Does This Need to Be Said?

It's a great day for america,

everybody!

I'm always

delighted to be in nashville.

I'm always happy

to be in the south.

I feel this great affinity

with people in the south,

Because i share your pain.

I know what it's like

To have everyone in the world

Think they can do your accent

better than you can do.

Right?

And then they want to do

your accent to you

To help you!

"You from the south?

Hickity dickity dickity."

Listen, i'm gonna try

something tonight.

Because we're doing the special

and the cameras are here,

And because i'm in the south

And i feel a little more

comfortable here,

I wanna try something

i don't normally do.

Um, i'm gonna try

and tell you a joke.

I know what you're thinkin'.

"Oh, craig, come on.

"Not a joke!

"Not from you, craig!

"There's professional

comedians

"For that kind of thing.

"Not a joke from you, craig.

"From you, we want tales

of the old country, craig.

"Tell us about the time you

lived in the swamp with shrek.

"Tell us about that!

What was that like, craig?"

Oh, we found

a blue-Haired donkey, all right!

That's right!

No, i wanna tell you

this joke.

It's important for me,

Because it's a dirty joke.

Steady.

No, it's a dirty joke,

And i can't tell it

on my tv show,

'Cause it's such

a dirty joke.

And there's cuss words

in it too.

Oh, yeah.

I...listen, i will

be cussing tonight.

And just so's you know...

no, i will.

I will.

Don't f***in' "ohh" me."

I'll be cussin'.

Now, don't wave your finger

at me.

You knew when you got here

there'd be cussin'.

If you thought you were

comin' here tonight,

And every time i cussed,

a little flag was goin' up here,

And someone's going,

"tootsy fruitsy," or somethin'.

"Ooh la la."

I swear it's gonna be a long

f***in' night for you

If you thought

i was gonna do that.

I can't cuss on tv,

and it bothers me.

No, it does.

I...yeah!

It does.

It does bother me.

'Cause when i was

a young man,

I was in punk rock groups

and everything.

And i was like,

"f*** you, man!

"F*** you! You'll never

get me wearing a suit

And sittin' behind a desk!"

And now, every night...

Wearin' a suit,

sittin' behind a desk.

Can't even say "f***."

"Ah, your movie sounds great,

ya f***in' a**hole."

No, i don't wanna give you

the wrong impression, all right?

I wasn't just in punk rock

bands, by the way.

I was also

in a heavy metal band once.

One...one heavy metal band.

- Whoo!

- Oh, yeah.

Ah, you know,

if you'd have heard us,

You wouldn't be

making that noise.

You'd be like, "aah!"

And running out.

We were ter...we were the worst

heavy meal band.

We were terrible.

I was 15 years old

When i was in this band.

We were called stag.

We used to wear spandex pants

and no underwear.

Yeah, we looked like

marble smugglers.

Yeah!

We were terrible!

15-Year-Old heavy metal band.

And you know your heavy metal

band's gonna suck

When you've got

a clarinet player.

get your motor runnin'

But we had to have

the clarinet player,

'Cause his dad had a car,

And he was willing

to drive us around,

So we had to have

the f***in' clarinet player.

But the clarinet player

was an artist,

And he said,

"i'll do the bass drum skin.

It'll be f***in' awesome."

We were like, "really?"

He went, "yeah.

"It'll be a picture

of a stag.

"But get this, a stag

with its antlers

On fire."

We were like,

"F***, yeah!"

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

But no, see,

It didn't work out

like that,

'Cause he wasn't

that talented, this kid.

So it didn't look like a stag

with his antlers on fire.

It looked a badger

with red hair.

I was the clarinet player.

Yeah, that's right.

But no more!

Now i sit on tv

and i can't say "f***."

It bothers me, you know?

It bothers me

that i can't cuss on tv.

'Cause i'm a very cussy man.

I am a very cussy man.

Not an angry cusser.

I'm not one of them "f*** you"

cussers, like that.

Like a, "f*** you!

F***! F***!" Like that.

Like, "f***!"

I don't have to do that.

I just like doing that.

But i'm not one of them, "f***!

F***! F***! F***!" Guys,

Like that,

like a dog.

That's what dogs are saying,

"f***."

They are saying it.

Not in, uh,

Adorable dog language.

They're saying it in english.

"F***! F***!

"F***! F***! F***! F***!

"F***! F***! F***!

"F***!

F***!"

F***. F***!

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***,

f***, f***!

F***, f***, f***, f***,

f***, f***, f***!

Dogs are saying "f***."

Cats don't say "f***,"

but they're thinking it.

They're thinkin', "f*** you."

No, i like to cuss.

I'm not an angry cusser.

I'm not a "f*** you" guy.

I'm not...i'm more

kind of like,

"Shut the f*** up."

Like that.

Like friendly cussin', like,

"No f***in' way!"

Sh*t, f***, no!"

Like, that helps me be

more adorable to people.

I know, i've heard all

the arguments against cussing.

You know,

"oh, craig, come on.

Cussing just shows a lack

of vocabulary."

And i think,

"oh, shut the f*** up!"

No, it does not.

Some of the greatest

minds in history love to cuss.

Shakespeare cussed

all the time.

But he did it in that fancy

ren fair language,

So nobody knew

he was cussing.

And like,

"to be or not to be?

F*** if i know."

I'm paraphrasing,

but that's what he meant.

Uh...

What i'm saying is,

i like to cuss.

It helps me be

friendly to people.

It emphasizes

my friendliness.

Like if you see...if you see

a friend of yours, right,

And they've got new pants on,

and you go,

"Oh, those are nice,

new pants."

They'll go,

"oh, thanks very much."

But if you go, "whoa!

Great f***ing pants!"

They're like, "i know!

Aren't they?

"Man! I saw them

in the store!

I was just like, 'f***'!"

I understand

you gotta be appropriate.

You can't walk up to the pope

and say,

"Great f***in' pants,

your holiness."

You couldn't do that.

Well, that doesn't

work anyway,

'Cause, well, the pope

doesn't wear pants.

He wears that big dress.

He wears these...

he's got a big ol' dress.

And the...and the hat.

Actually, two hats.

He's got the big hat

and then the little hat

For windy days.

"Hey, what's

the weather like today?"

"It's a little bit

windy, pope."

"Okay, i'll wear

the little hat."

I'll get to this joke

in a minute,

But you see, the...

Do you know the pope...

this is true.

I will get to the joke.

But you know the pope actually

has special slippers

Designed for him by the italian

fashion designer prada.

This is true...they make 'em

just for the pope.

It's not like you can

go and buy a line of them.

You can't go

to the gap and go,

"Give me some pope slippers."

It's just for the pope.

And they've got, you know,

special designs

And a little crest

and writing on them and stuff

That says p.O. On one

and p.E. On the other.

"Ah, read-A my slippers here.

I'm-A the pope."

"And-A my name is-A pepo."

i'm-A pepo,

i'm-A the pope

i'm pepo, i'm-A the pope

All right, you're right,

you're right.

You're right.

That's too much.

Lay off.

You can go too far, craig.

You're right.

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